Dealing with depression now my DS has started school

[KittenCamile]

Hi, DS is 5 and has just started school, we deferred his school start for a year due to being a summer born. He has settled brilliantly, couldn’t have asked for a better start to school. He’s happy to go and having fun. Delaying him has just ment he’s coped and isn’t too tired, all great.

except I hate it, I am so depressed, I drop him off and once I’m home I just cry and honestly could just go back to bed till it’s time to pick him up. I miss him so much and all the things I think I could go and do, I end up thinking they would be so much more fun with him.

everyone In my life thinks I’m mad to be so down, they are all so excited ‘I have my life back and time for me’ but I do t really care about that, I love spending time with my son, he’s amazing fun and we are happy together. He has lots of friends who are home educated and this last year we have been on so many adventures with them, it’s just been brilliant and I don’t want that to be over.

anyone else? I really can’t be the only one but very much feels like it today

Definitely start looking for part time work. You need something to focus on.
I'm an only child who had a SAHM and I don't think it did either of us any good in terms of our mental health, short and long term.

You need a job !

I think home-schooling just so you won't be lonely is a terrible thing to do, if you genuinely can't cope with him being at school seek professional help

There's a woman on our class WhatsApp group like this, it's not good for you to focus your entire life around a child. Look for work or volunteering or even a hobby that will take up your time.

I don't think it's unusual to feel a bit bereft once your child goes to school - it sounds like you have a lovely bond with him and have fostered good self esteem and confidence in him - hence settling well at school.
But you do have to rethink things a bit now. Perhaps you need a bit of structure to your day? A part time job or voluntary work might be useful.
It will pass and it will be half term before long.
My DD is a teenager and I still enjoy her being at home more than at school!

It’s really understandable to feel like this and I am sure that you are not the only one.

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

When you are ready, start exploring options for other meaning and passion in your life that can grow as your son does so you have a range of things in your life as he continues to (as is right) grow gradually more independent.

I must be the only one who dropped my DC off and legged it! Couldn't wait to get some peace and quiet until they got back from school! Agree with Pps above- get a job or a hobby.

You're definitely not the only mum to feel like this, it's like grieving a loss in a way. However, like others have said, you need to find something else to focus on. A P/T job will give you a sense of purpose and then yiu can plan lots of fun things to do with DS at the weekend and you'll both really look forward to and enjoy those times together. It's great that he's loving school, this is his new adventure. Go and find yous x

Get a job

Could you meet friends or other mums for coffee or maybe do something you’re interest in. Any hobbies you’d like to take up again? Gym classes? Even volunteering? Having something to focus on will be so good for you, especially if you’re not ready to return to work just yet. You could work towards this by doing some online courses.

My youngest has just started nursery and once I’ve dropped my eldest off to school and the youngest at nursery I use the time to do things for myself. I’m looking to return to work next year so I’m updating skills and I also do a lot of crafting and make things to sell which I can now do in peace and quiet.

Good of luck in whatever you choose to do. Going back to bed upset will only bring you down more.

All the best 🤗

thanks. I do have a job, I work 2 days a week when my husband is working from home and can do pick ups.

it’s getting in to a new groove I guess, my son has been my world for 5 yrs, most of my friends work so aren’t around during the day or they home Ed so are out with their children. You are right though I need new focuses in my life, I’m not very use to thinking about me I guess

I think you deferred him for your benefit, not his if I'm honest.

It's a terrible thing to do to a child to make them your reason for being.

As you already have a job, you need another kid.

Do you not find the day goes by quickly op? I always found the school day flew past. Join a gym...do a exercise class, do your shopping and chores, read, watch TV, bake a cake, study something new. There are so many school hols...it will be half term before you know it!

I think your reaction is quite unhealthy and to be so reliant on your son for company is a bit unfair on him (not so much now but if it’s the same when he’s a bit older) I strongly suggest you seek some psychological help and also look for some activities you can do such as volunteering or taking up a hobby to give you some purpose.

This is not true or helpful. The fact my DS has settled perfectly and is doing great at school is because we deferred him and didn’t except a small just turned 4yr old to cope with 5 days at school. We made the choice that was right for his development

I can’t get my head around this weird new thing of stopping summer children from going to school. My birthday is in late July, I was always the youngest in every school I went to, it was a complete non issue. I’m assuming parents think it’ll give them some sort of advantage being older than the rest of the class, when in reality all it’s done is hold them back an entire year

I was just like this when my youngest started school! I couldn’t BELIEVE my reaction as I had thought I was really looking forward to having some child free time. I cried every single day (not in front of him) it was weird AF.

It’s a big change and I truly felt like I’d lose a big piece of my identity. He (and his siblings) were also tired in the evenings so I also felt our time together wasn’t that much fun.

Like you I work PT so that was good. I focused on that and took on a couple of projects which although I did them in my own time helped me not to think too much of my DC and was also great for career progression.

I had a BIG clear out and did a couple of small DIY things like painted the kitchen.

Ultimately it just took a bit of time and adjustment. I make sure that I plan loads of fun stuff for the holidays.

I’m not even very into children so I was REALLY shocked at my reaction!

Sending you love

(And I’m with you on deferring - my sister did this and it was 100% the right thing)

The reason people defer is because we are one of the few countries in the world that start school at age 4 and we across the board do pretty terribly compared to countries that start education at age 6-7.

our school system is set up to support a capitalist society,so we can go back to work, pay tax and spend money. It is not set up for our children’s benefit.

You have no idea whether that's true or if he would have done well last year.

In any event, it's irrelevant. Great that he's so happy and thriving. But you need to find an identity for yourself rather than moping around waiting for him to come home. Go and volunteer. Do a class. Get another part time job.

If you’re genuinely depressed, see your GP. If you’re a bit down about a perfectly natural change, that’s fine but you need to make an effort to get out of that mode of thinking!
As others have said, it really isn’t normal to dote on your DC like this and make them your one reason for being. It isn’t fair on them at all.

Ok, thanks to those who supported and gave good suggestions, I appreciate your time and experience.

this post got quite harsh for me as I am struggling and needed support rather than people being so critical and judgmental so I am leaving now.

if someone says their depressed maybe telling them they are messed up and doing it all wrong isn’t the best way to deal with them 😀

OP I am sorry you are so sad. I find many of these transitions to be a little grief. I am excited for the next stage and sad to see one stage where end. The years when they are little are to be cherished. One of mine is in Year 13 and I am struggling a bit because on one level I wish he needed me a bit more even though I know that is daft. We all have feeling we don’t act upon.

But, the comparison to countries that start school late is a bit daft too. Do you mean Scandinavia? They tend to simply have a lot less poverty. People like to cherry pick that data to suit their ideology (looking at you, curriculum for Wales) but when you strip it all away it is poverty that predicts outcomes, not age they started, phonics or not, play based vs teacher led.

I’ve had Sept and August born kids. They’ve all been fine.