Struggling to enjoy my child

[SaltedPotato]

Been with DH for 20 years, we were both on the fence about having children but realised it was now or never and decided to give it a go.

Didn't have an easy time to be honest, multiple miscarriages equating to 40 weeks of pregnancy before finally being successful and having a boy at the end of last year. After the panic of the first pregnancy and the loss it made us realise so much more that we wanted kids. I didn't enjoy pregnancy at the time, I was sick and found it really anxiety provoking and stressful due to our past experiences. A difficult end of pregnancy and traumatic labour seems to have affected DH more than me.

I miss my baby bump, I'm gutted and yearn to do it all over again (I think I will be stressed still). I'm so sad that my boy won't have a sibling and I feel for him growing up alone (no cousins and not likely to have any). The newborn phase was not fun, lots of colic, reflux and a CMPA diagnosis. But I'm so sad that I will never have a newborn again. My husband has said no way and he will leave if I end up pregnant because he can't deal with it all again.

I just feel sad that I'm soon to go back to work and that I won't experience this all again.
I know I'm fortunate to have one child, I really really know that. So why can't I just snap out of it and enjoy and appreciate what I've got.
Is this a phase? Will it pass?

Thanks x

It will pass.
I hope your DH is having a vasectomy as he doesn’t want any more children.

That's not very helpful @DustyLee123.

It is completely normal to feel what you feel. It sounds like you have got some kind of ptsd over it all, or at the very least your husband has. I wish you all the best

Would your husband consider counselling?
I also echo the vasectomy comment- to say he’d leave as if he has no say over his reproductive organs is awful.

I think whilst you may always wonder what if re: another baby- you will, in time, learn to love and embrace the positives of 1 child.

Once they become toddlers they become a lot more cute and entertaining and fun in my opinion! They things they come out with and you can do more with them in terms of activities. You might enjoy that stage more than the current one. It also keeps you very busy (as does going back to work) so you may start to appreciate only having one to deal with.

Thank you for your replies. I didn't know anyone had commented as didn't have any notifications.
My husband didn't want a vasectomy but is now considering it. It's strange If he's going to do it I'd rather him just do it and I can get on with loving my son. I don't have a problem with just having one, I feel extremely grateful to be blessed with a child as it is. It's the decision and not knowing that's hard. Saying that who's to say we would be lucky if we did try. Both of us are getting older.
My husband won't talk to anyone, he has spoken with me about it. My love for my husband is greater than the want of another child, I do know that.

Thank you all x