OAD by choice

[toodledo]

.... can I ask whether you always knew you wanted one, or changed your mind after having a baby? I'm the latter. It's just so hard being a mum, it's relentless and often thankless repetitive and monotonous, although were still in the baby stage at 11.5 months.

Just looking for some solidarity I suppose - that it's "ok" to accept you don't want to do this again, even if you thought you'd want more than one child pre-pregnancy.

I might add that lots of mums have the urge around this time (1year PP) to get pregnant with another and I could not be further from wanting this in any way! That makes me feel like I've failed in some way as a mum I think but I just couldn't put myself through this again...

I’m 99% OAD by choice and my baby is coming up to 11 months too. Before having her I wanted two as that was the ‘normal’ thing to do but like you I can’t imagine doing this again! You haven’t failed at all. I think I will be better suited to a life with one child and a more patient, kinder parent. There’s no shame in that. It’s so hard nowadays when in the majority of couples both parents work, we live away from extended family support, cost of living etc. There is a growing number of people choosing to have one child due to these reasons and more. Enjoy the parts you can and think of all the lovely things you can do with dc when they’re older - that’s what helps me get through the bad days!

I think we will be one by choice. I did actually fall pregnant when my son was six months old and had awful hypermesis. The pregnancy didn't continue and if it had I would have had a 4 week old (roughly) along with my now 15 month old and the thought fills me with absolute horror as for me personally I wouldn't have coped.

I love my son but have struggled with the demands of it, constant nursery illness, relentless and I had severe PND and PNA. I still have this nagging feeling I should have a second one and I've been having counselling for this alongside other things. My counsellor asked me to put all my doubts aside and asked if I wanted another one and my answer was no. I just couldn't bear to go through it all again and my own personal limitations couldn't cope with 2 children. Yet its still something I wrestle with!

Like PP I do have the nagging feeling as well. And I see 2 more siblings all around (even myself and my DH). But the PND, thought of the next to none aftercare post delivery (we had our DS in the middle of the pandemic) and literally no help from either set of grandparents or extended family gives me reassurance that it’ll be more difficult to handle a baby and a child and all the other things. DS is 2.5 years now.

I was OAD until DD was 3. I just couldn’t face it all again - the lack of sleep, the screaming, the nursery illness, endless bedtime routine. Now I have 5 month old DS. And I’m in the thick of it again. Right now I’m exhausted and fed up. Overall I think I made the right decision. I didn’t quite feel done, and the thought of never having a baby again made me sad. I also thought, even if they didn’t get along in future, just the experience of living with a sibling would be good for DD, she was becoming a bit spoiled and expecting everything INSTANTLY because she knew we didn’t have any other priorities. Plus I wanted to give them the opportunity to have a close family member that wasn’t just parents when they get older. If they don’t get along, fine, but without her brother she wouldn’t even have the opportunity IYSWIM. I also found being a full time playmate for her hard - I tried but I knew she needed another child to be silly with, I couldn’t quite fit the bill as an adult.

So those are my reasons, I just wish I had done it when she was about 18 months - 2, and got it out the way rather than started again 3.5 years later. Hopefully another year or so and things will be easier.

6.5 years on I am still definitely OAD. I do have days where I think oh I would love another, but life is so so easy now I just can’t imagine going all the back to the start.

11 years in and it's great. I love having one. Before dd and a whole host of fertility issues I assumed I'd have 2 but couldn't face starting again once she was here.

It's all fine but you have to embrace it as a decision as you only get one set of firsts and they grow up quickly!

I love the freedom. We can book cheaper holidays, eat out regularly and if dd is out we're completely free!

I also like giving her a say in how we run our family eg. She chose the holiday this year and some new games to take (within a clear budget). If we had 2 we couldn't do this. She gets to do a lot of hobbies (more than we could manage with 2). She also loves the dog more than most people so is super happy!

I'm very happy with our life. It's calm and dd can have friends over whenever she likes if she's bored/lonely. It's worked out well

Originally I wanted another and DH and I had so many discussions about it until DS was about 4. Then DH agrees to try again but nothing happened and we were both relieved, which said a lot about our true feelings. Then around that time, DS's additional needs became more obvious and pronounced, so I'm really glad we can focus on him and his needs. E.g. he needs a lot of predictability and calm at home, which would be hard to provide with siblings. It is hard being his.playmate all the time, but also its fantastic fun. He's 8 now and it's so liberating to feel done with all the baby and toddler things. But it's true that they grow up fast, so savour all those firsts. I used to feel guilty for not wanting more but actually I think now that it's a good choice for lots of families.

Thanks for everyone's replies - interesting how many people with PPA/PND understandably don't feel like they could cope with another. I have horrible PPA with intrusive thoughts that haunt me every single day on top of it all, which were at its worst during the newborn stage. I have a lot of childhood trauma which hugely resurfaced once I became a mum.

I still feel on the fence a tiny bit, but in my heart of hearts, I think I'd be miserable doing it all over again for all of these reasons. I already now miss enjoying my life as the reality is there's no freedom to do what you want. At the same time I know I need to cherish everything I can right now but it's not so easy when the days are long and repetitive!

I've got an 11mo and I know 100% I don't want any more. You haven't failed because you don't have the urge for another. Frankly I don't know how people do it with such a short gap in ages. 1 is more than enough to be dealing with. Though I hadine at 36 so maybe I'm just getting too old for all the running around 😜

I am OAD through circumstance not choice, and I’m finding it a battle to keep my child entertained and not lonely every weekend and holiday. He’s 6 now. It’s just the two of us and I’m facing the prospect of how we’re going to manage holidays for the next ten years. I’d have loved another but perimenopausal now and do recognise it’s bloody hard work!

Of course it's Ok to not want another one. Why wouldn't it be. I know lots of happy one-child (by choice) families. I have two, but it took me 3 years to start thinking of having the second one when things got easier with the first one. If I ever get pregnant again (by mistake), I'm going straight for an abortion.

Just to add that some babies are much easier than others. One of mine was relentless work as a baby (easy-going child though), the other was a breeze. I hadn't realised how huge the difference could be until my second was born. If you see other mothers not struggling, they may well just have a much easier baby!! I know a few people that were in shock when they had their second as they hadn't realised how much work babies can be. Even heard people saying that if their first baby was like their second, they would never have had a second one.
So don't beat yourself up. One child is more than enough if you don't feel like having a second one.

I had no PND etc and still never felt willing to do it a second time. DC now 6, it was a brilliant decision to stick to one for us.

I’m finding it a battle to keep my child entertained and not lonely every weekend and holiday

He won't be lonely because he's not got a sibling. Or bored. Just do normal, every day activities together - baking, shopping, park, watching telly, board games, making pizza, swimming but also give each other space. Don't feel as though you've got to pack every hour with activity. If he sees you relaxing with a book, he's more likely to pick one up or get stuck into some Lego.

I'm coming out the other side with a lovely 18 year old who's off to uni next month. She's never been spoilt but is good at entertaining herself and great at friendships.

Enjoy your onlies 🙂