One and Done

[ConfusedMummaJ]

Hi,

My DD is almost 2 and a half, I come from a large family with lots of children and have always been very open and honest with DH about wanting more than one child. I have also said that for financial stability I would want to wait until DD starts school full time (I'm a teacher so school holiday child care isn't an issue) before our DD was born my DH was happy to consider having more than one child however in the early days we struggled with colic and to establish a routine that worked for both of us - I'm a firm believer in hindsight and feel like I'd have more of an idea on how to get things done with a 2nd baby.

Last night DH told me that I'm selfish for not respecting his views on not wanting any more children and that I can't force or convince him to change his mind.

Now I'm stuck, do I just accept it or should we go our separate ways. I do love him but am struggling to see where we go from here.

Don't get me wrong I absolutely adore my DD she's my absolute world and I wouldn't be without her so this isn't me wanting to replace her or anything like that.

Has anyone been in this situation before who would mind sharing their experiences and how you got through it please? TIA 😊

I haven’t been in this situation but I understand that this must be very painful for you both.

It sounds like your dp has been expressing his feelings about a second dc for a while but maybe yesterday was the first time you really heard it. If you had this discussion last night I think it’s too soon to start considering a split. You love him I’m sure that a split would be very hard on you before you even consider the impact on anyone else.

Good luck. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time right now but it will likely get better.

This is a big shock to you and you need time to process the grief at the life you expected. Take some time to talk through with your husband to see where his points are coming from. If you leave, best case scenario is you go on to have more child/ren and your current husband has your daughter some of the time. Worst case is that you don't go on to have another for whatever reason and he has 50% custody. That is quite a lot to lose, especially if your daughter finds out why. You are the knly person who can make the decision on what is right, but please don't rush into it.

I’d say you need to start by accepting you can’t force or persuade your DH to have a child he doesn’t want. He seems to have made his position clear. Getting hung up on this will likely lead to resentment on both sides. No good for either of you and definitely not for your existing child.

No one is entitled to a child but a child is entitled to be wanted and cherished by both parents. I speak as someone whose DM browbeat my DF into having what they called a band aid baby. He cowardly gave in to shut her up (his words). I felt resentment from my father during a miserable childhood and went NC when I was in my late teens.

The person who doesn’t want another child trumps the one who does, as reproductive coercion is wrong on every level. It is difficult, but you either need to accept it and the status quo, or break up your existing home and family to seek a new partner who actively wants another child. In doing so, you may lose half the time with your existing child.

Thank you all for the replies. I'm still clinging on to a tiny bit of hope that one day he'll change his mind but for now I'm just taking each day as it comes and treasuring the time I have with my DD before she grows up and becomes more independent.

My friends husband did this- eventually changed his mind but now there’s a 7YR age gap- it’s like raising two only children.