Worried my DD will be lonely

[willmyddbelonely]

I am hoping someone can ease my fears here. We have one DD who is 10 months and my partner definitely doesn't want another baby. This is due to our age (he is 40) and previous miscarriage troubles. Anyway, I completely respect his decision and I am ok to a point of knowing DD will be our only although I do worry she will be lonely.

Just recently a girl I know is pregnant again and her sister is also due around the same time she is. It has really upset me, probably stupidly, that our DD will have no siblings or cousins. My brother lives in Australia and has no children and won't be doing and my DH has an estranged brother,who has no children anyway, even if he was in contact.

It has just really got me down thinking she is going to grow up with no siblings and no wider family either (other than grandparents although they are getting on in age themselves).

Please tell me she will be ok and I'm just overthinking this.

The thing is no one can tell you she won't be. She may well be. Maybe if she had a sibling, or cousins they wouldn't get on anyway and she'd still be 'alone'. Maybe they'd be best friends. Maybe she'll struggle having all the responsibility of her parents old age solely on her. Maybe if she had a sibling they wouldn't pull their weight and she'd have all the work plus resentment and stress towards them. Maybe it would be a load shared. There are so many hypotheticals. You can't make this decision based on someone telling you what you want to hear and guaranteeing she won't be lonely when no one can confirm that. You make the decision that is best for you all, that is best for you as a family, for your mental health, for your financial situation, for your health and you accept that you can't control how she will feel about it. Make the decision based on the whole picture, including the possibility of her being lonely, but know that you're making it because it is the right decision for you all in the long run and absolve yourself of any guilt.

You are overthinking it. And being melodramatic.

One child is dead common now. It means that only children are more common and as such there are loads of parents who want to make more of an effort for that reason and as they grow up the kids will look for those relationships themselves too.

Who is to say you will have two or more and they will get on. Its widespread that siblings have incredibly fractious and difficult relationships (or no relationship at all) with their siblings. Family relationships can be the very source of trauma.

You can't manufacture your child's world to be perfect.

Enjoy what you have and don't lament what you can't have. The grass isn't always greener.

Your daughter will have your undistracted attention. You will be able to facilitate more opportunities for her. You will be able able to make her financially more secure.

This is about you mourning a vision of the life you fantasied about not something that automatically dooms your child to misery and loneliness.

It's hard to say at this stage if she will be lonely, and also if she will be lonely all the time. I have a DD11 and she has gone through so many different phases of being lonely and then grateful she doesn't have any siblings getting in the way that I can't keep up!

I would say that, particularly as she gets older, you need to really work on facilitating play dates with friends, maybe doing a bit more than your share of hosting, as friends become very important.

Also, do you have any close friends with children the same age? Other families that you might go on holiday with? We have found they are almost as good as cousins and can develop into quite special relationships.

Don't feel sorry for her, or guilty about her being an only. She will benefit in so many other ways that children with siblings can't. It is what it is, make the absolute best of it!

You are overthinking it. There are plenty of people who are NC with family. Friends are better IMO.

I’m an only child and I don’t think I have missed out at all. I am really confident and have got a really supportive group of friends.
My Mam and Dad were always really encouraging regarding having friends over, and always got me involved in kids clubs, activities etc when we were on holiday.
I think you are over thinking it! I’m really glad I don’t have any siblings to be honest and loads of people I know don’t have close relationships with their siblings.

Remember the saying that you can be alone in a crowded room...

... theres no guarentees that having lots of children means you are immune to loneliness.

I was very lonely growing up as an only child BUT my parents made no effort to help me build friendships. They actively avoided play dates or doing things with other families. Holidays were based around their interests rather than kids clubs. No cousins. No pets. Extra curricular was things like piano rather than brownies where I might have met other children. Lived on a street with mainly retired people. Just left me to my own devices largely.
My DP has an only child. Completely different story. Lots of play dates. Friends with families with similar age children. A dog. Lives near other kids. So it can work just fine.
So I'd say, it depends on how you manage it.
It was / is hard being the only one with older parents but as others have said, having siblings doesn't always help with this anyway.

DD is an only and has a great group of friends and is very self-sufficient.

I was incredibly lonely with a brother because he was absolutely horrible to me.

I'm an only child. It was a very mixed experience.
I was incredibly lonely during my young childhood. In fact, when I think back to my childhood, the most visceral feelings conjured are lonliness and boredom. There were so many days that I wanted to do stuff - go to the park, play a board game, go swimming, go bike riding - but I didn't have anyone to do them with. The things that I could/would do alone, I did alone. I think I developed a really vivid imagination through this which has served me well into adulthood in terms of creative writing which I love to do.

But, as a teenager, I came to see the benefits of being an only child. I didn't have to compromise. I didn't have to share my time, my space, my things, my parents etc. And as an adult, life is a lot less complicated without siblings and their children to factor in.

My DP, though, had two siblings. They weren't close as children and he describes similar feelings of loneliness despite him having a brother and a sister. He also had to share a room throughout his childhood and adolescence which he hated and still resents his parents for. As an adult, he has no relationship with his siblings or their children at all.

One child families are very common. Whether a child has a sibling or not is only one of many factors which contribute to a happy and balanced childhood. Your own husband doesn't speak to his brother so siblings aren't always a great thing!

Can you have regular video calls with your brother in Oz so that baby gets to know him? It makes no difference that he doesn't have kids, he's an uncle and could be a great influence especially if you visit each other every year or so. What about friends and neighbours and their children? Grandparents, although you say are getting old, can be wonderful and making a lasting impression. As long as your child has friendships, extended family and play dates there's no reason they should be lonely.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, it has really helped me.

We will be making sure our DD has plenty of opportunities to meet and socialise with other children so hopefully this will help.

Agree with what has been said as well regarding having siblings but that not meaning an automatic friendship throughout life.

I really empathise with this and my son will probably be an only and this is something I worry about. I know logically he will be OK as I have cousins who are only children (cousins the same age as me who are so happy being only children, they not need to rely on us as surrogate siblings!) and I know lots of friends who had only children and have friends with kids of similar ages.

I grew up with an older and twin brother and you would think as a twin we would be the best of friends, grew up with a special bond and have been permanent play mates. Nothing could be further from the truth, we've always been very different with nothing in common and I did mostly (quite happily) play by myself as a child as my brothers tended to play together. I don't speak to either of them now so I know from my own experience sibling relationships aren't everything! Yet I still have this nagging feeling.

And the comment above about the perso saying they wanted to go swimming, park and on bikes. I did those things as a child but my main memory is doing them with friends. I have very little memories of actually doing things with my brothers!