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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Heartbroken

22 replies

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 19:55

Hi all

I'm absolutely heartbroken.

Had my first (incredible and amazing) DS via IVF when I was 32

Wasn't sure about having a second child... always questioned it and put it off

I'm now 36 and my ivf has failed and it just doesn't make financial sense to carry on because it is would effect us too badly

I feel so guilty that DS will be an only 😢😢

Don't really know why im posting to be honest 💔

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 01/07/2023 20:01

It's swings and roundabouts OP. There are bad things about being an only child, but good things too. They get all the attention, all the available money spent on them, and from your pov, no one to fight with. And anyway, it might not be too late to conceive naturally (sorry, I don't know anything of your circumstances). You're only 36 and women are getting pregnant well into their 40s these days.

MargotDeWitt · 01/07/2023 20:04

This may not help, but there is no point feeling guilty, because it's not your fault! You have done everything you could, you haven't made a conscious decision for him to be an only.

LessonLearnedOrLearnt · 01/07/2023 20:05

There are bad things about being an only child

Depends on the child. My DD(18) loves it. There's a really nice thread, OP, about being a happy gang of 3. Hang on, I'll try to find it ...

XelaM · 01/07/2023 20:06

My daughter loves being an only child. All the money and attention is on her and she has a large group of friends anyway.

I have a brother but I'm much closer to my best childhood friend 🤷‍♀️

WilkinsonM · 01/07/2023 20:07

My DS is nearly 15 and although he has a toddler 1/2 sibling he barely sees them and is an only. He's perfectly happy with it! He has step siblings so knows what having other kids around is like and still prefers being an only.

XelaM · 01/07/2023 20:09

If my daughter had siblings I would never be able to afford for her to pursue her dream of becoming an equestrian show jumper or send her to private school. She much prefers having our dog than a sibling. She would not be happy if I got pregnant now.

We are super close and a real "team" 😃

Pemba · 01/07/2023 20:11

Just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you'll be best friends for life, sadly.

Just encourage friendships and make sure they have a good social life, they'll be fine. Easier financially with only one to help through uni etc., too.

Muddygreenfingers · 01/07/2023 20:15

You should never feel guilty for not being able to give your child a sibling.
It's not a terrible thing really, is it?
Plenty of happy only children out there.

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 20:18

I hate a drip feed yet I feel I forgot something which is part of the reason why I'm upset and that's because I'm an only child and I've always wanted a sibling and now I'm doing it to my own child 😢 I have nothing to compare too but yes there has been positives to it I guess as I've had lots of help from my parents and I have lots of friends and now a family of my own but I can't help but feel I missed out!

Thank you for all your kind comments!!

OP posts:

LessonLearnedOrLearnt · 01/07/2023 20:22

I was going to suggest you scroll down this topic for thread called "those with older only children" but you seem to have made up your mind that it's a negative thing.

gogomoto · 01/07/2023 20:25

Yes you need to adjust to your new reality, it's tough, but there's other ways to have a family, I've acquired 2 dsd's, i have friends who foster, other friends adopted siblings with additional needs (I'm in awe of them actually it's tough). There's nothing wrong with an only either but i understand you always wanting a sister, I know that feeling

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 20:35

LessonLearnedOrLearnt · 01/07/2023 20:22

I was going to suggest you scroll down this topic for thread called "those with older only children" but you seem to have made up your mind that it's a negative thing.

It's very raw but thank you for the suggestion I will look at that thread

OP posts:

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 20:42

XelaM · 01/07/2023 20:09

We are super close and a real "team" 😃

Love this!! Sounds exactly like me and mum
Growing up!! (I went to private school and had a horse) I wouldn't have gone this if there was 2 of us for sure!

OP posts:

XelaM · 01/07/2023 20:51

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 20:42

Love this!! Sounds exactly like me and mum
Growing up!! (I went to private school and had a horse) I wouldn't have gone this if there was 2 of us for sure!

Show quote history

See 😃 Honestly, my daughter is a teen now and is very confident and popular with loads of friends (many of whom are also only children). Her best friend used to practically live at our house. It's like a sister that she actually chose and likes rather than a sibling who was forced on her.

She has cousins and younger half-siblings on my ex-husband's side but she almost never sees them and doesn't particularly like them. Much prefers her friends 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 20:55

Don't project all of your issues about being an only child onto your child. I'm an only and my childhood, and adult life, has been amazing. I didn't "miss out" on anything.

LessonLearnedOrLearnt · 01/07/2023 21:20

My dd had neither a private school education or a horse!

AlphaAlpha · 01/07/2023 21:32

Please don't beat yourself up. There are no guarantees in this life.

I am not an only child but I class myself as one due to my siblings severe disabilities. I had an exceptionally lonely childhood, awful really, for various reasons.

I had my child and through fear of history repeating, despite the fact my sibling's disabilities are not genetic, I decided quite early on that I just couldn't do that to them. I couldn't have another child in case something happened. Sounds completely crazy, but for as much control that I have over my life, I could control that to some degree.

I've made my peace with that.

You have what you have and that is to be celebrated.

Edwardandtubbs · 01/07/2023 21:38

I've been there - IVF worked perfectly first time and had a beautiful DC and thought subsequent ones would be a walk in the park. 2nd IVF round failed and then I had some major health problems that meant I very reluctantly decided against trying again. It is hard. I just try as hard as I possibly can to focus on how lucky we are to have one DC and put all my effort into them. I still wonder what might have been 6 years later...it is natural to be disappointed, don't be too hard on yourself.

AProlificNameChanger · 01/07/2023 21:52

I know that it’s quite raw at the moment. But is there a possibility to adopt or foster? If not, as PPs have said, think of the things you can offer your child and consider the possibility that if you had more, would you be able to afford all those things? Perhaps, your child isn’t missing out, but you’re just projecting your own fears and anxieties from your personal experience?

Pip1402 · 01/07/2023 22:31

Your desire isn't for 'a' sibling though, it's for a sibling you have a good relationship with and sadly there's no guarantee of that.

I would also love a sister I have a good relationship with and feel jealous of friends who do have that. The reality is I have a sister who ruined my childhood, had a lasting negative impact on me throughout my life and continues to cause difficulties for my parents. I'd choose to have been an only child if I could, as awful as that may sound.

I'm not meaning to diminish how you're feeling though op, I'm sorry you've struggled with fertility. I just hoped to add another perspective which may help you not to feel bad for your dc.

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/07/2023 22:47

Thank you for all your comments. They have really helped me 🥰

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 01/07/2023 22:52

I've got two siblings, they are close but I've never been close to either of them and age wise I am in the middle. I can't remember the last time I saw them but it was before Covid and I think it is probably 5 or 6 years ago.

I have 4 and I feel guilty that when I die they will only inherit a quarter of the house each, it won't be enough to seriously help them.

They used to be close but my DsIL don't get on and so they have drifted apart and rarely see each other. I think in my family we must have "only children" genes.

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