Petrified, don’t want to be pregnant again

[EliJ90]

NC for this because I feel so disgusted at myself.
I suffered hugely with PND after the birth of my son 3 years ago. I had lots of anxiety and ocd and felt like I was full of rage which made me feel horrendous guilt. I basically expected motherhood to be one thing and it turned out to be the opposite.
We have almost reached a point where things feel easier. I adore our little boy- he is a sweetheart with such a kind soul and being his Mummy is a total joy and privilege.
I have just found out that I am pregnant- a complete accident, failed contraception.
I feel terrible for saying this as I know so many people right now are desperate for my situation, but I am absolutely devastated. I haven’t stopped crying.
It has been such a struggle to get to where I am now that the thought of being pregnant and having another baby and struggling again (I know I would), makes me feel total panic. I just want my little boy and to spend as much time as I can showering him with love and happiness to make up for the snappy, miserable mum I was until he was about 2.
I have always personally felt a certain way about abortions and never wanting one, but I desperately don’t want to be pregnant. I’m also not sure how I would cope with an abortion mentally, and also if my relationship would survive it. My husband would love more children but he works 14 hour days and I find parenting cripplingly difficult.
am I just a total monster? I have a perfect family and stable relationship, so why don’t I want a second? I feel like I’m in a living nightmare.

You are not a monster!

does your husband know yet?

How supportive was he during your PND?

I think before you decied what's right for you and your family you need to take a breath and then get a doctors appointment and ask for some counselling. No one can tell you if a termination is the correct thing to do but it's certainly not the wrong thing. If your not ready then don't tell your husband, not saying secrets are healthy but just do one step at a time. How far along do you think you'd be?

Theres nothing wrong with how you’re feeling OP, you don’t need to add guilt to your worries.

I’m pregnant with my second (planned) and I’m feeling pretty negative about it because it’s going to be really hard. So I can imagine the feeling must be a lot worse if it was unplanned.

What support did you get with your PND? Were you under the perinatal mental health team? You should be able to get referred back to them if you decide to continue with your pregnancy.

Services have moved on a lot in 3 years in perinatal mental health, so there should be much more support now.

I could have written your post a few years ago. I had a termination, something I never dreamt I would consider, but you really don't know until you're in that situation. I have no regrets. I'm a much better mum to one than I would be to two. You're not a monster, you're just human 💐

How many weeks are you? You aren't a monster. Your husband works very long hours, and unless there's any way that he could reduce his hours/get a different job, you'd be doing the majority of the housework and childcare.

I could have written this - I found out I was pregnant with our second just after I emerged from PND. I always wanted a second in theory but I was absolutely horrified when I found out I was pregnant (also contraceptive fail). Looked into termination.

I did have the baby, he’s 13 months now. I’m glad I have him and I adore him, so so much. But I did get PND again and the unplanned-ness of his conception really didn’t help, with DD it was ‘how am I like this when I wanted her so much’ whereas with DS it was ‘for fucks sake I’m a mess and I never asked for this’. In all honesty for most of the first 9 months there was at least one moment a day where if I could have pressed a button and made a different choice I probably would have done. But I do know that was the PND talking.

Now? It’s still hard, but I have come to love him so so much, and having DD who is nearly 3 and just a joy has made me realise and get excited for all the good things to come with DS. If someone had told me in the depths of despair with DD that it gets better I wouldn’t have believed them, whereas at least this time around I know that the shit bits are just bits to get through before it gets really good.

Lots to think about and to be honest I think I’d have been a bit regretful irregardless of which route I took - deciding factor for me was that I wanted two, so I figured another potentially hellish first year was worth it in the long run. For me, it has been, for others it might not be. Be kind to yourself, I think ultimately whichever decision you make coming to peace with it is the most important thing.

@Lesssugarketchup I haven’t told him yet, no, but I will next week. We’re heading into his birthday weekend and the last thing I want is to be a crying mess throughout and spoil it.

With regards to PND, he was a huge support initially but then got really fed up with me. He tried to not show it and I understand tbh- he couldn’t see inside my head. My ocd was intrusive thoughts and basically was constantly things such as: throw yourself under a bus, you don’t love your baby, throw your baby down the stairs etc. The worst thing about the thoughts towards my baby, was that it was during the hours and hours of crying, so it felt like I actually meant what I was thinking. I was petrified of myself, but he saw a competent mum, so he didn’t understand why I was so troubled all the time.

haven’t told him yet, no, but I will next week. We’re heading into his birthday weekend and the last thing I want is to be a crying mess throughout and spoil it.

he’s a big boy op and it’s an adult birthday.

added to which, i very much doubt you’ll be able to hide how upset you are anyway.

With regards to PND, he was a huge support initially but then got really fed up with me.

after how long?

@Lesssugarketchup I would say for 6 months he was great. REALLY great. Then he got tired of it. Like I said, I think he was confused how I could be happy around people and then claim I felt really low. It’s invisible. I craved being around people to distract my mind from the awful thoughts I was having. Deep down, I think he thought I was exaggerating how bad I felt and I think he’d be really upset now at knowing how I feel about a second.

I had truly terrible PND with my first, went onto Sertraline after a year of struggling. I loved my little boy but couldn't possibly even think of another (also had traumatic induction & emergency c section, plus problems with feeding so there was that side of it too). I agonised over the thought of a 2nd (it had always been our plan & my husband was still really keen), but I was TERRIFIED of going back to those dark thoughts. At their worst I couldn't see how I could survive the next 5 minutes, let alone anything else. I couldn't bear being home alone with the baby, walked around our town with the pram from when my husband left in the morning at 8, until we met him from work at 5.

When my son was 4 we decided it was now or never. I fell pregnant in the first cycle & panicked. I felt like things were just starting to settle (this was the year after covid), & I was gripped by fear that we'd made a mistake. I was 100% certain the PND & anxiety would return, I couldn't see how it couldn't. I spoke to my midwife (I was probably around 12 weeks by that point), & was swiftly put under the perinatal mental health team. I had more regular midwife appointments, regular medication reviews with the perinatal doctor, counselling put in place which started while I was still pregnant, meetings with the health visitor while I was still pregnant. I also had a birth review from the first birth to get some closure on that. It was very much a collaborative approach from the team & they completely scooped me up & saved me.

There were notes all over my maternity file (which was huge!) & thank god I had all of that in place. I was due to have a planned section but 3 weeks before that I started showing symptoms of pre eclampsia, & my baby was showing signs of distress. So the section was done 2 days after I went in to be checked as I was worried. Baby didn't cry & didn't breathe when he was born, needed to be in SCBU for a few days. I panicked on the operating table & said I couldn't be alone, while they were stitching me up my midwife got on the phone to organise a private room so my husband could stay with me. She had also come in on her day off to be there for my surgery. She was truly amazing & I miss her! Fortunately my little boy came through & is a lovely toddler now.

I was convinced that the PND was going to return (especially considering the birth). Specialist counselling was put in place, & I wasn't signed off from my midwife until a month after birth. The first few weeks I couldn't understand why I wasn't depressed or anxious, I kept waiting for the feelings to creep back. But they didn't! All that support honestly saved me, I can't imagine how different things would have been had I not had it.

Sorry that was just so long, I just wanted to share my experience to show that it doesn't have to be how you fear it'll be. Please get some support in place ASAP, even if you decide you cannot continue with the pregnancy as you'll likely need it either way. I wish you all the best.