Second child

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Me and my husband have a DD aged 3. I really want another one but he's not sure. He was an only child but I have two brothers. He initially struggled with the first 18 months as it's such a big life change so that's putting him off but I couldn't imagine not having another so that they have each other especially when they are older. Any thoughts on which way to go?

We have an only. Doesn’t seem to have affected him not having a sibling. I haven’t spoken to my DB for 18 years. DH speaks to/sees his DB very sporadically, they get on, but we live in different parts of the country and have busy lives. Think they mainly communicate by exchanging silly memes or photos of cars!

Hi OP. I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant with our second. We also really struggled with our first. I’m like you in that I have a sibling and my DH doesn’t. But we also agreed to have a second so our son has company and a playmate. Especially as we don’t have a big family, no one nearby and my son doesn’t have any cousins. I would have been really lonely as an only child.

I assume you also went through lockdowns with a small child/baby so I think that has made things a million times harder than it needed to be and hopefully our second experience would be a lot better.

Hiya, yes we went through lockdown and it was awful. I was on my own in hospital and even though he was with me for 33 hours, he was told to leave straight after she was born. I think that experience has stuck with him.

Yes we were the same. I am now under specialist care due to the mental and physical effect the NHS care had on me during lockdown. I had EMCS and was left to look after my son by myself 2 hours after major surgery.

Lots of friends have also told me that leaving the house saved their sanity during mat leave, so we both had that to deal with.

if you do go for another one, really make sure the midwives understand the impact the last birth had on both of you and they’ll offer extra support.

I'm in this position at the moment. My baby is 11 months and j really want another but my partner really doesn't. He is older and he has other kids but I just don't know how to come to terms with only having one.
Apart from your baby being hard what are your partners reasons for not wanting more?? X

There are no right or wrong answers as to whether you should have a second child. However, I do think that both parents should want the child if you decide to go ahead.

I absolutely don't think that you should have a second child for the benefit of the older one (e.g. so that they will have each other when they are older) because there is no guarantee that your older child will benefit from having a sibling at all...it could be quite the opposite.

However you decide to proceed, make this about what you and your DH want as parents. Don't try to second guess what will be better for your child.

I think both parents should want the child they are bringing into the world.
We only have one child, and i couldn't imagine such a big decision as having another child being placed on a playmate for our first.
There are no guarantees about a friend/support for life.

Parenting is hard enough when you both want the child, i can't imagine how tough it would be to raise one you didn't really want.

I think finances really. He thinks we'll be able to give more to our DD. I am struggling the same, I'm struggling that I may not have another.

I know it's horrible... feel free to private message me if you want to chat about it x

I think parenting more than 1 while they're very little is tough, but as soon as they are both over 2/3, in my experience it becomes really easy. I know parenting 1 would now be harder than two, because mine are best friends, and entertain eachother so well. We've just been on holiday, and it was so nice for me and DH to relax a little as the girls entertained each other the whole time. They keep an eye out for eachother, play games all day, and are just brilliant company for one another. We both said, imagine if we only had one? It would require so much more organising and thought to keep one entertained. They're 7 & 9 now, and have been this way since youngest was old enough to talk/play with the eldest. I know I'm lucky they get on so well, and this may not always be the case! There's a little girl opposite who's an only and she's constantly knocking on our door asking ours over to play, and I guess this is mainly because she's lonely/bored. Mine never tell me they're bored, because they can always think of something to do together. As I said, the first year with the second was difficult, and not particularly enjoyable, but was absolutely worth it, as it has just been wonderful ever since.

There's a little girl opposite who's an only and she's constantly knocking on our door asking ours over to play, and I guess this is mainly because she's lonely/bored

And out come the tired old stereotypes about only children.

Funnily enough, the little girl opposite us used to constantly knock on our door asking dd to play. She had a sibling (of the same sex and very close to her age) and yet still felt bored and lonely apparently.

Yeah I was thinking this. I only have one child (not through choice) and that post just made me feel shit.

If you have two and they get on well lucky you. But I was one of three and none of us got on very well for very long. That's more common than not I think. The attentiveness of parents and their life situation is likely to dictate how children grow up whether siblings or only children.

Don't let stupid posts like that bother you @HelloSunshine12. They're just ignorant/thoughtless bullshit and not worth wasting your energy on.

It's difficult when you have an only child not by choice, because the stupid stereotypes make you worry so unnecessarily. That was me 15 years ago, but now I genuinely wouldn't have it any other way.

How old is your DC?

Thankyou for your reply and sharing your experiences! If we have another one, hopefully we have the same experience on holiday!

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves nearly 3. I have fertility issues and suffered recurrent losses on top of that. And now no longer have a husband either. So they culmination of factors means I've got to come to terms with what I have and be grateful for it. But society (and certain posts I see on MN) do make me feel crappy.

I'm glad to hear you're really pleased to just have the one, being further down the line. I think it's another thing for me to feel supreme mum guilt about at the moment...not only a broken home, but an incredibly small family now too.

It's really hard, @HelloSunshine12 and the stupid stereotypes about only children only feed the guilt. What I have learned over the years though, from my own family and many others, is that none of them have any basis in reality! And there are actually many positives to having one that I could never have imagined previously.

We struggled with secondary infertility and we also lost a baby. It was very tough and it put a lot of pressure on our relationship. We were able to work through it in the end but it could easily have gone a different way. Please don't beat yourself up about how things have turned out. Your dc will be fine and it will get so much easier as time goes on...I remember getting loads of questions and comments about siblings when dd was little but nobody ever mentions it now. And nobody worries about her being lonely or bored or selfish or spoilt etc because it's abundantly clear that she isn't!

Take your time to grieve what you have lost - it's really hard. It will get easier, I promise.

mum died last month at the age of 84.

She never forgave her parents for not having another. They died in 1963/1979 she had no family besides us kids for half her life . They could have .. but decided it was too much like hard work (despite employing a nanny to look after her so they could continue their lives unencumbered by kids.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's very sad that your mum was so bitter towards her parents but I don't think her experience is in any way representative. She could not possibly have known whether she would have actually been any happier with siblings.

In the same way, many people go through life deeply resenting their siblings. It doesn't necessarily mean that their life would actually be any better without them.

People fixate on all sorts of things in relation to their families and childhoods. It doesn't mean that one type of family is any better than another. There are so many other variables.

I have one DC and am 99% sure she will be my only. She is very sociable, confident etc, definitely not impacted by not having siblings.
I have siblings, I love them and would help them out if they asked. But, I don’t particularly like either of them, we aren’t close at all. Just because we’re blood, it doesn’t mean we have to be close. If we weren’t related, they wouldn’t be my friends.

People are all different. My brother is the only family member I consider myself close to. I also depended on him for company and play as a kid, especially during holidays.

My adult friend who’s an only child recently told me she dreads her parents getting older as she will be supporting them all by herself.

Also, my father has 3 siblings, one has died and one lives abroad, and he is caring for my grandad alone. He was the eldest and hated having siblings as he felt he had to look after them more than he should as both my Grandad and Nan worked.

My best mate has 1 sibling. She doesn't speak with her father, so her sibling will be doing that on her own.

The support and caring for parents is another really bad reason to have any child. We will be sorting our own care out, i dont want our DS doing anything like that, other than popping in with cake if hes around, and because he wants to see me, not to care for me, that would be awful.

I found dc1 hard as everything was new. Dc2 was a breeze and it was like second nature.

Theres no getting away from how exhausting it is though. That said, we seemed to cope better with it second time around. I think your body is used to limited sleep after the first time.

I'm in the same position OP. I really want another, my head knows one is best for our family make up but my heart really really wants another. My husband is steadfast in his decision that he doesn't want anymore. Its been heartbreaking. Pregnancy announcements, the questions about when we are going to give our toddler a sibling, phone reminders of "this time 3 years ago " showing my LO as a newborn, have all had me in floods of tears.
My only advice is to really communicate with your husband and tease it out. For 3 years my husband has gone through really wanting another, us planning when to start trying, him putting it off to then him saying its absolutely something he doesn't want. I've asked him to get a vasectomy as I mentally cannot deal with the door being slightly open, I want it firmly shut so I can move on. Every month I'm disappointed when I get my period, hoping for an accidental pregnancy which is not healthy for my mental wellbeing or our marriage.
To have another you both need to be in this 100%. Have a brutally honest conversation and put everything out on the table. It's heartbreaking if your husbands decides no, but it's better than being in limbo for years.

I’m conflicted as well. Because of the stitches not corrected sooner. I had to take steroid injections and what not to get fully recovered. It took us 17 months after my DS was born to get things going again. DH still has very much interest in me but my drive has totally gone downhill.

I do wish to have a second but there are a few reasons and one major being we’re not even intimate to actually conceive. And the pain of lockdown birth and the way I was treated. And the way I recovered all alone has made me question.

And finally we are planning to send our DS to an independent school. But if we have second that option would be stretching it too far.