Play date struggles

[username2373]

I feel exhausted trying to socialise my dc.
I've arranged for three meet ups in the park - which is actually pretty good for us.

The first one, the response I got when trying to set date/time were 'sure, if nothing else comes up'. They did turn up, 20 mins late.

The second one - they said 5pm meet up. This is late for us. We normally finish park time by that time. Anyway, we agreed to accommodate. They arrived at nearly six.

The last one - 'tomorrow afternoon, but Friend might be tired. If tired then next day'... So didn't know until the last min and hard to plan for the day we were not going to meet. These are six yo dc, btw.
They met us on the next day- they were late and then needed to go home fairly soon.

All initiated by me. People don't ever seem to remember to text for a play with my dc. I feel like I'm imposing on people. Being an inconvenience. He has one child he feels the closest to, but the other parent seems to discourage the friendship.

Is this always such hard work?

I can't say I've ever arranged to meet another child and parent in a park.

Maybe they just think it is a sort of "I'm thinking of heading to the park tomorrow if anyone wants to join me" thing.

If you want to arrange for a child to play with your child, then invite them to your house, and give their parents a couple of hours of free time.

That's annoying. I organise play dates at the park fairly often for DD, but don't have these struggles. It kind of sounds like they can't be bothered? Do you get on well with the other parents? I also like to leave before 5 - that's when the teens start arriving! 😀

How old is your DC? I haven't ever had these problems. When I arrange something, it happens, these just sound like flaky people and you had some bad luck or maybe there was a miscommunication. Although I should add the time is semi-flexible, that's the bonus with being friends with other mums no drama if you're running 10 min late, it happens. Try some playgroups or activities (swimming, softplay, gymnastics etc) if playdates aren't working out. Depending on the age, they don't actually need 1:1 and to make friends as far as I'm aware, it's more just basic socialisation and learning to be nice to other children, share that kind of thing

I had today when we were supposed to be meeting a 'friend' at soft play with her children. She never turned up.

There've been other people where I've given up texting for their children to play unfortunately. Because you either arrange a date then they forget/don't reply/can't do one then never get back to you.
It's a real shame because it's your child who gets sad

@JandalsAlways six yo.

I'd say either a) go to the park and take your chances on who is there b) message a few people to say you and Johnny will be at the park tomorrow afternoon - anyone free to join? c) invite other kids round to yours one on one.

We have been doing a) with not much luck.

My dc hasn't been invited to somebody's house for a play yet so a bit nervous with that - thought it will be harder for them to say 'no' if we ask them to meet in the park. It's a large playing field space and the kids had bikes/ football. The weather was lovely. The other kids' siblings were there too.
Our house is tiny and we are updating our garden atm and it's not near ready yet.

I just feel like I am the desperate one, as my kid is the only child.

I only approached the mums that I have had previous chats and the kids are in the same year.

It's really not. There must be something wrong with the people you are meeting or else they just aren't interested and are reluctantly agreeing. I'd just go to some baby groups and try and naturally form friendships that way. I've met a lot of mums, but only a few have formed into regular playdates

Sorry OP I missed this. Can you try maybe invite the children over to your place for an hour? If you're super keen a mum might want a small break, your child gets a playdate, then you could ask the mum if she wants a wine when she comes to pick her child up

They do sound really annoying but I think the holidays can be really hectic for some, especially when parents are juggling work and children have siblings etc who also have play dates/ activities.

My son is 4 and at pre school. I just invite his friends to be dropped off at ours during school holidays. He usually has one friend to ours and gets an invite to go to a friends house. I do know the mums well enough though as it's a small class. The ones I invite are the ones he seems to be playing most with at the time, I usually ask him who he wants.

I'd be less inclined to meet at a park as I'd have to chase after toddler DD whilst keeping my eye on DS and trying to make polite conversation. We'd also have to time it around DD's naps.

I understand this, single parent only child not in my home country so no cousins around either.

Mine is now 10, I've spent all of primary inviting kids over, meeting at the park, taking x child with mine to the movies.

Some reciprocal some not.

I think you have to accept that families with multiple kids have less need for play dates, the fact they have made the effort to meet up (albeit late) is a positive thing.

Only children as not so rare, I've struck up some good friendships with other mums of only children and as they get older this gets easier, and they get the whole only child thing.

However I understand the constant pressure to have kids for your DC to play with, it's exhausting, as they get older though, it does mean they are better at making friends, mine will happily go to holiday clubs alone now, knowing he will meet kids there and have fun.

I just borrowed someone's kid at that age, I find very few parents turn down an offer to take their child out for a couple of hours. We'd either walk to the park and pick up kids along the way then id supervise or id take mine and her friend to softplay/trampoline/cinema.

You really don't need the other parent there when they're 6yo, it's easier to sit and enjoy some quiet time on a bench in the park while 2 kids play with each other than to small talk with a parent you don't know that well.

Thank you for the replies - all appreciated with good points to take.

I think it's because you're doing in it in the park, it's too casual.

With the park you need to pick a time and place that works for you. Then message several of your DC's friends and say ' ,Hey, we'll be at X park at Y time of anyone if you're around and wants to join.' If you have a class WhatsApp group, that's a good place to put it, then you're reaching 30 kids at once, someone is bound to be free and looking for a playdate.

If you want a more specific playdate it needs to be at your house or somewhere where you book a set time to go.

Totally get that and hopefully we'll be at that stage soon.
I just don't feel like the parents know me well enough to 'lend' me their kid yet.

You need to invite people to your house. You can suggest they either stay, drop and run or a mixture of the two. Stay for a coffee whilst the kids is comfortable and leave when they're ready.

Ok, so I approached another mum (1). I said we'd love to have your dc over.
She said she's going to a playground near us later and we should join them! A couple of mins later she also asked another mum (2) (didn't mention to me prior, not a discussed decision).

Went out, kids all happy. My dc and (2) mum's dc were together for most of the time. Then sth happens, where my dc blames the other saying he had done it on purpose. Something very trivial, that a child with better social skills would've brushed off. Told him its fine but before I know it the two kids were saying things like 'you're not my friend' to each other. My kid can get a bit dramatic as he's just very immature hence me trying to get him on 1-2-1 play dates so desperately... The other mum rushed over her dc and they were gone. Not sure she's even said 'bye'.
I have been feeling terrible and so drained since. a) Embarrassed for the way my dc acted (had plenty of conversations about making accusations since). b) Feeling like my dc was judged too quickly by the other mum (2) and I have a feeling she'll discourage the friendship (same class).
c) And finally, I myself felt pretty rejected too as throughout the meet-up mum 2 was asking direct questions mum 1 only, who in return seemed to be fascinated by mum 2 (gave her compliments on personal appearance, etc). I was completely ignored and as much as I tried to take part I felt like they had zero interest in what I'm saying (especially mum 2).
I understand people sometimes just click but it didn't feel nice and I really feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
I will be very surprised if either of them ask for a follow-up play date the kids.

*Im really inoffensive, smiley person who takes genuine interest in people. I'm trying to teach my kid to grow up kind and respectful.

I think you just need to chill out a bit.

All sounds quite normal to me. I doubt either of the other two parents have given it a second thought.

Agree with NuffSaidSam.

I thought you were wanting to find some friends for your child to play with?
Your post today suggests you are looking for friends for yourself.
Two completely different scenarios.

I know what you're saying but even though I wasn't looking to make friends and just wanted to ask for the child to come over for a bit, when we were in the park it was just so obvious how they didn't even pretend to like me. This is all so new to me!

I am sure they will not be asking us for any more play dates especially as my dc had his (not pretty) moment too. I don't think it's just up to the children at this age.
I'm sad for him.

It sounds really hard. I now have DC2, but a 6yr gap so I recognise some of this too.

I think, with one child who is (v reasonably) really still learning how to be agreeable company, what you really need is that one family with whom you're a really good fit. This is likely to be another only child. At six I think you can still get away with picking a friendship which works for you in this situation - 'weekend hanging out friend' does not have to be your child's current preferred classmate. Do you have any friends with a suitable DC of similar ish age? Anyone on fb who you haven't really been close with in years but might fit the bill?

I find locally that a lot of families either feel quite socially self-sufficient and don't want to deal with the logistics of organising any kind of playdate, when they have 2+ DC and/or extended family nearby. I also find that there are a number of pre-existing adult-led friendship groups which are hard to break into even when the kids are actually friends at school - eg the group who all went to nursery together, or all share a common first language, or where the older siblings are already friends.

However - I also know that DC2 is much more relaxed (and I'm much more relaxed with her) - you say parents probably won't feel ready to leave their child with you if they don't know you yet - I don't think this is true! I have happily left DC2 from the age of about 4 without really knowing parents. You get a sense for whether it's OK. Whilst I try to reciprocate, juggling two children's social invites is tricky as a lone parent, especially if I have to stay and make polite small talk and if the other child isn't finding it very easy. I find myself much more able to say yes to invites which either involve dropping a child off, or where the other child is as easygoing as my DC2, which in practice is often a child with a sibling (because I think what I'm calling 'easygoing' is really just being practised at shrugging off a playmate/sibling's drama!). That got a bit longwinded, but what I mean to say is, don't rule out inviting kids over again and being explicit that parents are welcome to stay/not.

It is hard though. Some friends are just at school, even when they're inseparable there. My DC both go to a youth group (not Scouts but along those lines) which I think is also good for practising social skills in a smaller group, and just having something nice to do one evening a week.

I should have added - when DC1 was still an only, we often spent time with a friend of his who (like us) were a household of one parent and one child. The kids were independently good friends (from nursery), but it was the realisation that we were in the same situation that led us to start meeting up at weekends etc. It met all of our needs. That's what I meant about finding the family who fit well with you.

Great post by @notsurewherenotsurewhy at 21:54

At our nursery we did a whole class playdate whatsapp group. It meant everyone got an invite and also most of the time you could find a parent with time on their hands who were glad of the opportunity to chuck their kid into softplay with another kid for a couple of hours. I think you’ve been unlucky. My relationships with other parents are entirely based on our kids but everyone is polite and supportive towards each other (feel quite lucky on this score).

Honestly I know it’s difficult but if you are arranging playdates a group is better so you aren’t waiting around for one person to show. Your son will also only be able to manage social situations with a group if he’s given a chance to learn. DD is an only (3yr old) and I found taking her to different activities and then talking about stuff that has gone wrong really helped her social skills and confidence. I think negotiating conflict can be difficult for onlies but it can be learned and even kids with siblings may not be particularly good at it (remembering one twin who was a horror and his sister who was an utter sweetheart 🙄).