Social Group Change as Only 'One and Done'

[calmandcaffeinated]

I've been fairly content being one and done with my 3.5yo DS, but lately every single mum friend I have is expecting or already has a second. I'm over the moon for all of them, but now, especially in NCT group or other groups feel left out as I'm not able to chat about having two. If I say I'm having a hard time it's like I shouldn't complain because 'I only have one' and I find it's becoming harder to keep socialising as I'm not on mat leave again or part time. Also, the convos are more around having two and so I just feel left out- again more of an issue in groups. There's this awkward silence when it comes to talking to me and my situation, as if people feel sorry for me or think I'm weird. Yet, I'm so so happy with my DS and don't long for any more. I don't want to say that as I worry they will take offence, but then they all go one about how great it is with the eldest having a sibling.

Just wondering if anyone can relate to all of this? I'm worried it will get worse as DS starts school. Perhaps I just need to not let people make me feel I don't have a proper family because he's my only.

I feel a bit like this (my only is 5.5 now) so I sympathise. It's hard seeing on social media the "sibling bonds".
However having more than 1 child is not for everyone. Could you reach out to other friends? It might sound daft but when I struggled, I enjoyed seeing my childfree friends more. It's nice to talk about something other than children and take the focus off it.
Also when your DC starts pre school/school there will likely be other 1 child mums there. I have found this, and selfishly or not, it has made me feel better with my choice.

I’m OAD by choice and dreading this

Worried of pressuring myself into having a baby who I will obviously love but at the detriment of my mental health, comfortable finances, body and time.

People must be able to be friends with people who does not have the same number of children as them, surely?

Sorry, nothing helpful. But I sympathise hugely.

You sound like you're a bit insecure about it all. You can still chip into their conversations. How do you know they're thinking these things?
If they're friends worth keeping, they won't criticise you for making that choice.

Lots of groups of friends are 'of a time' or 'for a reason'.
I'd suggest that most NCT groups or other baby groups would be like this.
Supportive in those first few months when you all all finding your way in parenting, but only a few people will become real friends outside of that purpose.
If you no longer feel you have the need to be with the other parents, as your life is now different, then now is probably the time to start looking at friends from different areas.

Of course you can be friends with people whose lives are different from yours, but having a toddler and a baby is pretty intense and does sort of consume your thoughts and your time and your energy, so, being with others who are in the same position is quite helpful for them, in the same way being with other Mums with new babies was helpful for you when you were all in that situation.
When they start school it becomes less relevant.

Thanks for this, I have a number of close childless friends who are my rocks, but for the sake of my son I'm trying to keep going with play dates etc with kids his age. One on one a lot of friends with multiple kids are lovely, it just seems to be a group issue. I just need to harden myself I think.

I felt exactly the same 6 months ago, was even saying I might have another, but now I'm more certain about OAD. I thought, if others only had one as well would I be considering a second? I then realised I wouldn't at all and actually it was peer pressure making me consider it.

I think they can, but what I've found is that the friends who have two kids the same age will bond a lot more, so I'm finding I'm not included as much as I was (especially as I'm not on mat leave with a second). Maybe this will change in a few years.

Thank you, glad I'm not alone. The few friends who have one still are actively trying for another so it's hard to talk about this with them.

I think you're right. I have had a few insecurities about two social groups in particular because our set up is different- we are the only ones in the groups with no family help with childcare, or even family nearby (which changes a lot of what we can and can't do), only ones not from the area, my son is the only mixed race child, etc. This has made it harder to find common ground, and now the shared commonality of the little ones is different with everyone having a second (or soon) and the focus on that. Perhaps I need to consider if I would be friends with these people if it wasn't for the little ones.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I've been consider leaving my NCT group for a year now, and last time we met it was clear I had very little in common. It's just hard because one lady I am closer too and I don't want it to be awkward for her if I did leave. I might mull over this.

@calmandcaffeinated my NCT group were meeting almost every month when the kids were tiny, constant WhatsApp messages. It's completely dropped off in the last year now the kids are 3-4.
I'm not that fussed. There's a couple I got on quite well with and we're hoping to meet up again in summer, but I can take it or leave it.

For me, because I'm not having a second, I find all the baby chat annoying and not for me. I've nothing against it all, but I'm happier spending time with people who aren't in the thick of babies and nappies and who actually want to talk about interests outside of parenting. Thankfully many of my friends are also one and done so are quite happy to chat about other stuff!

I guess what I'm saying is, you need to find your crowd. If it's starting to feel awkward and detached, you don't have to feel inclined to 'join in'.

Honestly OP, don't worry. IME almost every only child I've ever known has been so much more confident and self-possessed than those with siblings.

I have two, they are utterly lovely, but they have become very defined by their relationship with each other. With an only child they are just defined by their parental love. It's very different.

I have absolutely no regrets, but only children can have huge advantages.

I feel if these friendships are straining because you only have one, they aren't the sort of relationships that will go the distance anyway

I’ve felt the same lately and found the hardest aspect being when the parents started constantly talking about how their first born was ‘growing up so fast’. I realise it was nothing personal but hit a nerve because I still feel my son is so small, just not as small as their youngest - which I obviously don’t have.

I think as other posters have mentioned, it may just be time to shift the social circles. I find hanging out with parents who have their youngest the same age as my DC but who also have older children, feels easier as it feels like we are a bit more on the same page.

Not exactly the same but something I've found being the only OAD in my friendship group. I'll invite my DDs friend to a particular club they might enjoy with my DD or suggest a day out and they'll say "oh sorry I can't as x (younger sibling) wouldn't be able to join in/Will get jealous that they aren't doing anything". As much as I get it to an extent, I do think but they are two separate people with their own lives, they can't do something every time their brother or sister does. But maybe that's how it works and I am just being selfish. Or maybe they just said that as an excuse!!
So I try to get my daughter to socialise more in the summer holidays but find we have to do something that all ages will enjoy / can be included in. Anyone else find this? Play dates at our house are usually fine though.

I’m out the other end of this almost. My ds is 14. No siblings or step siblings. And honestly he’s never asked for a brother or sister either. He’s very aware of the things he gets that he wouldn’t if we had two or more. And I found my own group or OAD mums at the school gates - we are now great friends and our kids have similar interests and get on well too. Even all choosing the same high school even though it wasn’t one any of their other friends were going to. It get easier :)

I used to feel really sad every time somebody I knew had another baby but I'm more at peace now my DC is getting older.

I worried I would have the same experience but actually, even though all my NCT group have had second babies, the age range and gaps were quite different. Same with my other friends. It hasn't been an issue because they really are good friends, not just same place same time, and often we get together with no kids and talk about anything but!
I think if you feel the point and purpose of the group is really just parenting support, I would second the suggestion you broaden out and look for other parents of one, or where youngest is your dc age. When school starts, keep an eye for other only children, as similar to pp I have some friends in same situation and it does make planning dasy out easier