Accepting having an only child

[Thisistheplacewhere]

Reposting this from the miscarriage hoard as I thought it might get more relevant replies...

Not really sure what I'm hoping to gain in posting this but thought I'd give it a go.

I've had 2 missed miscarriages in the past year. The latest one has really taken its toll physically and emotionally. Due to health reasons my partner and I have decided that we will be giving up on the idea of a second child, and being sort of 'one and done.'

I suppose I'm just looking for similar experiences, or stories people have - how have you moved on from this? How long was it painful for when other people announced pregnancies/had their babies etc?

Also, did you change anything about your life because of stopping at one? I'm debating reducing my hours at work, even though we'll have much less money for luxuries, just to spend more time with my child whilst they're little but I'm not sure if that's a silly reason to reduce hours at work? I think maybe I'm worried what other people will think which I know is daft.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks

Hello there first of all I just want to offer you a virtual hug and I am so sorry for your losses. I have been where you have been and I know how lonely it can be. My losses were October 2019 and May 2020 we were hoping to have a second child. After these losses we decided that our little boy would be an only child but it wasn't easy. Mentally I battled with this decision for a long time. I kept feeling like I was a failure, that I wasn't determined enough that I wasn't a proper mother because I didn't fight hard enough. The reality was that I had gone through 2 second trimester loses in hospital hearing babies cry and mentally I was suffering and I couldn't go through it again and I can honestly say now at this point I'm glad I didn't for my whole families sake.
This is going to sound so cheesy but it's the age old saying of time is a healer and it really is. For a long time after my losses 2 child families were everywhere. I felt like everywhere I went I was being taunted and pregnancy announcements were hard. I was going through councilling when my sister in law announced she was expecting her 3rd child and I just couldn't speak to her. 3 years on I can honestly say I wouldn't change my little family, my Little boy will be 6 soon and we have just got a puppy. It's taken a while but I've made peace with it. Xx

Thank you so much for this kind message - I am so sorry you've experienced this pain and it sounds like you've had an awful time. I totally understand the feeling of not trying hard enough, and the loneliness. A lot of my friends are saying 'you might feel differently in a few months' but they don't understand the medical issues I've faced and the physical toll the losses have taken on my body. They just can't possibly empathise, but sometimes their comments make me feel like a failure so I get where you're coming from in that respect.

I know what you mean about seeing 2 child families everywhere - it feels like pretty much everyone I know is pregnant with their second, friends and colleagues. It's so tough. But thank you so much for the words of hope - I am sure you're right and in time I will adjust and get used to this normal. My daughter is our world and we are very lucky to have her after struggling with infertility before I got pregnant with her. Thanks so much for giving me some hope that it will all be ok and work out as it should.

Can I ask you a question - do you feel like you make more of an effort to spend time with your son since he's your only one? Or are more aware of time passing by? I feel like I'm so conscious that I'm never going to experience her at this age again and I'm desperate to soak it all in!

Thanks again for your lovely response xx

I suppose with just having my son I've naturally got more time to spend with him. We walk to school chatting about things and I can fully focus on him. Homework, story time etc I can fully dedicate the time. If I had more children to think about I would be stretched thinner. We have recently got a puppy so my Son is now having to learn to wait his turn knowing that the puppy needs our attention etc and he's adapted well bless him. It was 3 years to the day on Monday just gone of my second loss and I did spend alot of the day deep in thought but what's more important now is that I'm happy and I've made peace with it all. I will never forget my babies but I had to move forward with my life and appreciate my wonderful little boy that I have 💙

I’m really sorry for your loss. I’m in no position to advise on miscarriage but I would say that I don’t think most people regret reducing hours to spend more time with their child, especially if there’s the option to increase hours as they get older and their needs change.

It's my only son's 40th birthday today. I was told after I had him that I can never have another child due to health reasons.
To add to that my 2nd husband was infertile. Not even one swimmer.
He has been the joy of my life. I've loved everyday with him and he is such a support now I'm older.
We talk almost everyday. I couldn't have wished for a better child and never felt the need for another. Enjoy every minute with your DS.

Posted too soon - I have an age gap between mine and have dropped my hours further to spend more time with our youngest, who is definitely our last baby, before he starts school. It does feel different when you know you won’t be having more and I would take as much time as you can to enjoy the little stages.

OP - I've no experience of miscarriage but I do have an only DD(18). I would recommend reducing your hours, but then I'd recommend that to any mum who wanted to. I loved taking DD to school, picking her up, doing afterschool and holiday activities. Plenty of time to work longer hours when they're older.

Who cares what others think, this is your life, your family.

Take a look at the thread "those with older only children" - lots of positive posts about families who are a "happy gang of 3."

My daughter is 10 now and I have always felt guilty for her being an only child. It often feels like I am the only person I know who only has one child. However she is the most loved and lucky girl there could be due to her only being our one she gets to experience life to the fullest she gets 3 holidays abroad a year and has already travelled to far away countries such as Mexico and Thailand and had experienced trips amazing for her age. She has been to Disneyland, Harry Potter etc all these things I dont think we would have been able to do as easily with another. She has our full attention and feels loved. She also enjoys her own company at the end of a busy day full of friends and family which I think is a valuable skill as a adult. It took me a long time to recognise that due to not having another child because ‘its what you should do and what everyone else does’ has given my daughter a great life. We get to spend one on one time which she loves. I do get teary and upset around birthdays but then she enters another unique phase in her life that I get to embrace. When asked she says she doesn't want a sibling, I suppose she doesnt know either way and is happy with her life now. Xxx

I just wanted to say thank you so so much for all of these lovely, kind replies. I'm a bit emotionally drained tonight so when I have more energy I'll reply properly but it has been such a comfort to read all of these stories of happy one child families. I know we will be happy as three and I absolutely love our little unit to bits, I think I just need to allow myself time to grieve and adjust.

Speak soon, thanks again ♥️

Sorry I meant to say when I have more energy in the morning. I made it sound like I won't reply properly for ages haha. I just need an early night!

@Thisistheplacewhere I'm so sorry you've been through this. I am in a similar situation (went through about 6 months of fertility drugs and a miscarriage) and we have also decided to stick with one child. What has helped? Lots of therapy, doing things for me that I'd put off because all my energy was spent on TTC (tennis lessons, cycling) and cherishing the time I have with my son. I went down to 4 days at work for a while - this was partly to relieve work stress and partly to be around more. I found that time really physically and emotionally difficult and feel much better now in my body and my head. I am also a calmer, more present and tolerant parent! I think it's a very brave to be clear about what you can or can't put yourself through and mind the family that you do have. Please be kind to yourself xx

Hi Op, I am so sorry for your losses. I wanted to try and give you a different perspective, I am an only child. My mom didn't have any more children due to the HG sickness she was hospitalised so many times during pregnancy and it was that traumatic she never wanted to go through it again. When she passed so many people made comments about it being a shame I had no siblings but my reply was always the same. I wouldn't want a sibling because it would of affected the bond I had with her, she was my best friend I couldn't imagine it being the same if I had to share that relationship. Xx

I am an only child and growing up this was more unusual (Catholic school 1980s). In fact, I was the only “only” child in my friendship group. Got lots of comments like “ you must be really spoilt, etc”

It didn’t really bother me growing up but now having lost both parents, its quite lonely, and I think it would be nice to have a sibling to share memories with etc. But then again, no guarantee that we would get on or be close!

My mum and I were very close though so I understand where @twigy100 is coming from with their post.

I think it’s a case of it is what it is and the best thing you can do is make the most of it, I would reduce your hours while they’re small and pick back up later when they’re teenagers.