I want an only child because they we hard newborn days

[emma2201]

Hi this is long post a sensitive topic hope it does not come across selfish or mean ,
Me and dh have 1 child a girl who is 14 months we love her and feel very blessed we have her .As a baby she was hard work screaming and colic also dairy allergy Once we changed milk she was alot happier but still she has a strong personality she doesnt do things in halves lol when she screams she does lol ! she was never a chilled easy going child if shes sick or tired etc its worse .
But were so happy she has turned out to be mostly very happy and sociable we girl in crèche etc but I've just knew from she was young very strongly she will be are only child as we can't redo the baby days and generally during the days screaming and colic we just missed out on so much in them younger days . This makes me feel so bad as I always wanted kids :( everyone says ur 2nd could b very different but I just can't take that chance !! . I feel Jealous sometimes of parents who have kids that are so chilled and easy-going sometimes wish why our daughter seems difficult? People say they would love to go bk to newborn days as they get older kids are harder but I just Shrug it off and say Yeah right I couldn't but deep down I feel sad about it . I feel guilty being a only child and what people will say ? Any advice please !

Your daughter is my son and I said very quickly he would be my one and only. He was hard in absolutely every way possible and now age 3 is still a lot more challenging than his same aged peers. I've also heard the your second could be the opposite trope but like you I just can't risk them being the same or god forbid if they would be worse.

No advice I'm afraid but nothing but unwavering sympathy.

@emma2201 My son was a very “Easy” baby..
But my reasons for only having one were that I simply couldn’t imagine loving another child more.

I asked around adult “ Only children “ and they were really happy.

Lots of adults don’t get on with their siblings-
Or barely see them.

Do what is right for you!
One child is easy to manage.

Next door only have one- She is a delight!

So long as your Dch gets lots of interaction with other dch it'll be fine. Don't feel guilty - there are enough kids in the world and plenty of families with only one.

Exactly this!
As long as they have other children to play with, they are happy enough.
A lot of siblings fight.

Sibling rivalry is very common, and I know parents of more than one child who say they prefer the character of one over the other.

Harmonious families take a lot of work and adults must be scrupulously fair.

Two might “Entertain themselves “ or they might squabble and fight .

I had a wonderful pregnancy, an easy labour with gas and air, he was a contented baby and a pretty chilled toddler. But I still don't want any more. I just always knew one child was the right number for me.

He had a challenging time with DC1 and thought to ourselves “surely DC2 couldn’t be any worse?”

We were wrong. Later turned out that both were autistic which explained everything 😅

It’s totally OK to feel like you don’t have it in you to have another baby.

Thanks everyone for the reply atleast I know I'm not alone lol its such a big decision and sometimes feel like people who haven't experienced it understand

I understand. I have one amazing child but really couldn’t do the baby time again. He just wouldn’t sleep and that puts stress on the whole family.

It's good sometimes to have some solidarity. Lots of my friends with children have had a significantly easier time than me and my DH and therefore they honestly don't understand the situation even if they think they do.

There is honestly nothing wrong with an only by choice but I would warn to be aware that many people will stupidly judge you for your decision and a lot of perfectly normal behaviour your child displays as they grow will automatically be attributed to their lack of siblings. It's all nonsense of course but it definitely pays to be aware.

I once had a parent at library comment that my DS seemed to enjoy looking at books he was about 2 at the tim. I responded yes he was a huge bookworm and wanted me to read to him constantly. The conversation was lovely and pleasant until she learnt he had no siblings and then she rather curtly surmised oh that's why he loves books because he has no one to play with...

I never thought i would like an only child i have siblings and love them we have have great relationship it's just different when you have your own i guess ,Yes my daughter loves crèche she attends 3 days a week and we try do loads of days out at things to keep her entertained shes very easily bored . We live in an estate so she will have loads of kids to play with as she grows and plenty of cousins 😊.

Yes I've had quite a few people say ur 2nd is easier becuase you know what till do i think that's crap ! I don't think it matters how many kids you have experience its about how your child is there all so different. I know people who have great 1st and 2nd kids then 3rd is their hardest when you u have it all figured out @MuffinToSeeHere

My DD1 was a high needs baby. You never get 2 the same. DD2 was a chilled easy going baby.

Oh it's definitely nonsense. I always tell my DH when I've met such people that they can think what they like they won't be the ones left holding the colicky, cmpa, high needs bundle of delight with such severe FOMO they never fucking nap. At the end of the day a second may well be a breeze but why would anyone with even an ounce of common sense take the risk when the alternative is another carbon copy of your first DS or DD.

A friend of mine had an incredibly difficult baby, like yours very colicky, didn't sleep and couldn't be put down. She also had a traumatic birth. Those two things together made her say she'd never have another. 4 years on she changed her mind and was glad she did. But if you really don't want another, that is your decision to make. Maybe don't make any hasty decisions- friend tried to talk her DH into a vasectomy but he asked her to wait just in case.

My first did not sleep. Larger age gap due to this and second slept really well for first 6 months.....

Yes it was all a trick. Turned into a limpet non-sleeper, a "spirited" toddler and a "willful" school age child. Love him to bits, but certainly not easier. If one is right for you then don't add to your family assuming anything will be easier.

A second isn't easier. You may know about the basics but you now have to deal with the interactions between your DC too.

@emma2201 I totally relate to this! It's been hard to take knowing we won't or wouldn't cope with that again! We were woke multiple times for almost 3 yrs it was so awful and we're still recovering, she's almost 4. I'm now 38 and feel like I need another for her as we have literally no family whicu is killing me esp knowing what we went through I think I'd mentally break. I don't think there is an answer, hear often no 2 the same but fact is you don't know! Our daughter is nothing like either of us in nature or character, she's not laid back, very much knew what she wanted from the moment she came out and screamed also a lot trying to get to sleep, tantrums were off the scale and I feel lien a shadow of my former self, I don't know how I'm standing some days, all that couples wirh the guilt of having only me and DP to do everything it's damn hard! You need to think very hard and long on it, I also never considered the risks of birth to my life until my birth ended up in disaster, 20 hrs bakc to back no one knew until a consultant finally came in and checked me she went mad and sent me to theatre but they refused a section, tore in to my bottom, turned her and broke my coccyx I was in recovery for 4 days and had t slept for 5 nts solid! I was on the bakc foot massively before I even started! And some just breeze out no issues in under a few hrs or less, very chilled and sleep well (I was that baby) mine total oppo, I want to give her a sibling wirh every fibre of me but my body and mental health says you know the risks and what happened last time, perhaps our kids will have the bigger families one day. I'm with you though xx

My one and only was relatively 'easy' and I'm still sticking with one! You don't have to decide no more ever, you can just go with 'no more for now'. That way, you have the freedom to change your mind later if you fancy it.

My DD was an extremely difficult baby. Slept only attached to me for the first 3 years. Screamed the house down all through the night. Never once napped except while in motion in the car or pushchair. I slept hardly at all until she was 4 - just a few hours here and there. I am 100% sure that the difficulties we had with her caused the beginning of the end of my relationship with her dad (competitive tiredness, resentment, we never got a break either apart or together except at work, lack of intimacy). Somehow through all of this- the dark, dark times where I considered walking into the road so I could spend a night in hospital and sleep or leaving her at the door of the social services office (I had it all planned, it was just going to be for a few hours so I could spend an afternoon sleeping) I knew deep down that I would have at least one more child. And I did, DS was born and I split from my DP before he was 2 so I haven't had any more. If had the chance I would have had a 3rd, I want to foster when my DC are older. If I'd seperated from ex before DS was born I'd still have been pining for another child. The urge within me was so strong for a second baby, much more than the first. Maybe my body knew on a DNA level that it would work out (it really has). Weird how it all works out.

I just have the one too, I know what you mean about part of you day dreaming of a bigger family but I remind myself of the reasons I don’t want that in reality when I get broody.

I sympathise. If my DC2 had been DC1 they would most definitely be an only child. I couldn't go through 8 months of colic, screaming and broken nights again.

@SlippySarah I felt very similar and still have days like this. It's just so unrelenting and it's a massive shock we'll it was for us when you get a child so differnt to what you envisaged. Our girl sounds very similar to your child, we never caught a break it was minitue to minute she needed me and never slept, only napped in motion in the car and FF nearly 4 yrs on its better than it was but mentally it just never let up. We have nearly divorced more than a few times, sometimes I feel like it'd be best we'd each get a rest every other wk!!! But our other issue was we never got any help, at all. Had we had the easier going, sleeping baby that didn't need us cling to her constantly it may I'm sure have been very different! Was your next child I guess very different to your first?? I'm still on the fence re another, I hear often no 2 are the same but I just aren't sure still and I'm 38 so to go through that again at 39 think I'd be reg faking some regular A&E visits jjst to sit in peace!!