Burnout & bereavement

[Lazycatx]

Hi, I'm not sure what to do anymore. My FIL passed away last month and we were very close, had a better relationship with him than my husband. It's been extremely difficult for me emotionally as well as physically. I have a 1 year old, full time job and have made endless dinners, lunches, laundry, cleaning for all the guests we have had stay without any help from my husband. Fine, he's lost his dad and I need to be a supportive wife. Completely understand. Now a few weeks have passed, no one is visiting, my husband has decided he's not emotionally well to go back to work. Fine, we can manage financially and I want to be supportive, losing a parent is difficult. I'm continuing to work full time from home. I wake up early feed our baby, make lunch/ dinner, do all the household chores (laundry, cleaning, bedsheets etc) and he will take care of our baby when he wakes up around 10. He will then take the dog for a walk whilst I take care of our baby and then continue working after. Il sort dinner out and wash dishes, bottles and then there are the night feeds. I'm exhausted and on the verge of burnout. I've spoken to my husband and he said he will make lunch and dinners. Which he doesn't. Also when I ask him to wash a plate or do something he will want to tell me how much he's done today. Given the fact I am working full time and the primary carer for our baby I don't boast about how many nappies I've changed etc. I get on with it because if I don't it won't get done. I've already had a convo with my husband. Do I try again? I don't want to come off an insensitive but I am struggling. How can I word it to him with being firm, honest and basically along the lines of get your shit together ..

How was your husband before his father died? Was he doing as much as you with domestic chores and childcare? Or was it already difficult to get him to do something?

Was your FIL and/or your husband the primary carer for your baby if you are working full time? If they were and that's no longer possible then you need to get some paid childcare asap so that you can focus on being a full time employee during your working hours, as it isn't fair on anyone (including your baby and employer) if you are juggling everything.

Your husband sounds like he is grieving (which is understandable) so you need to let him do that, but what was your relationship like before the death given you mention in your first paragraph that you were closer to your FIL than husband, which seems an interesting position. Presumably you are also grieving too?

Yes I agree you need paid childcare right away, ideally longer hours than you work for so you can have time for yourself, as can your husband. Losing a parent is one of the biggest things that ever happens to you. I think you should try and be patient with your husband. You’ll only manage that if you are able to really look after yourself.

(I recommend the podcast Griefcast to better understand what someone might be going through having lost a parent - one month is like a blink of an eye).