Only child and making friends

[theleavesfall]

Hello - I just wanted to get some advice on parenting an only.
I have a DD who is 4 years.
My DH and I don't live close to family so it's been really just the three of us through lockdowns etc etc and anything else.

Because DD is an only I've tried to socialise her as much as possible. It's been tricky in lockdowns and with playgroups closings, restarting - there only being a limited number of children allowed etc.

She's started preschool and at a recent parents evening the teacher noted that she is quiet. She's never been to day care. I'm a SAHP. So big groups are a bit daunting to her.
But in the other hand the teacher said she is confident in herself , appears to know what she wants etc - however when she was asked to tidy away at the end of the day she didn't and didn't say anything. When asked what was wrong the teacher said she said nothing and didn't speak.
I have noticed this before where if she is asked to do something by someone and she doesn't want to she won't say anything but not do it either.

She only goes to preschool two days a week.
The teacher also said with her being quiet she plays a lot along side children, parallel play and sometimes next to one.

I'm wondering if being an only and not having been to daycare and in big groups has had an impact and what can I do to help her.

Just to say she does seem happy at preschool and there are no issues at drop off. She goes straight in.
She's loud at home and chatty. Can be bossy! 😊

Thanks x

I don't think being an only child makes a difference. My dd is an only and always found it incredibly easy to make friends. I found it much harder as a child, despite having a sibling.

It's possible that not having spent much time in group settings might have had an impact, but I really don't think you need to worry about this. Kids catch up very quickly at that age, and I doubt there is much difference after a term or so between those who went to nursery etc and those who didn't. In any case, lots of kids will have missed out on social interaction through covid so she won't be the only one!

If she sends seems happy and is playing alongside other kids, I think she's probably fine and you don't need to do anything. That said, kids will always benefit from efforts to help them build good social skills. Plenty of playdates will help in this regard. Also, we found that just talking a lot about friendships and how to be a good friend helped dd to develop that awareness.

I'm going to try and arrange a play date. Easier said than done with rushed drop offs and other parents, and myself, not having much time to chat..,

To be honest I might see how she goes over next few weeks..she is only there five days a fortnight.

Like I think she's not totally unconfident and the teacher described her as confident in herself.

I'm wondering how to talk to her about the No communication when she doesn't want to do something or doesn't really understand...

Put her into some clubs, that will help her make friends.
It's not about being an only.

I am an only, extremely shy as a child. Today I have 7 close friends who are like family who I've known over two decades.

Daughter is an only and very confident and easy to make friends. She does three after school clubs a week.

She does go to a kids sport one day a week.
I do t k is of the teacher is a bit baffled at her being confident in herself but then quiet a the same time!
Like im quiet myself but also have a job dealing with very extroverted people and can hold my own.

What's wrong with being quietly confident?
Maybe im overthinking this.
Is the teachers concern more that she didn't do as she asked and didn't explain herself?

You may be overthinking.
There's nothing wrong with being shy either.

And I think people who aren't only children have this idea that only children are at some automatic disadvantage but it's really not the case.

It doesn't sound like the teacher has said that there is anything wrong with being quietly confident?

The issue is more that she doesn't do as she is told, and doesn't respond when asked to do something that she doesn't want to do. I think you can address this by talking to her about the importance of doing what she is asked to do in school, but at the end of the day, she's 4... and 4yos can often be quite contrary.

I think you're probably right that you're overthinking this. It doesn't sound like there is a massive problem that needs to be addressed. Just ordinary parenting stuff like teaching them good social skills, encouraging them to be respectful towards others, following instructions etc.

She is still very tiny. It's inevitable that she still has lots to learn!

OP I don’t think you need to worry. I have 2 kids but when DC1 started nursery DC2 was still a baby so not exactly much use from a socialisation perspective! It was also just after covid and DC1 had been pretty much totally isolated for 18 months. She was very shy and slow to interact with her peers. More confident with adults as that was what she was used to. Nursery suggested some play dates which we did and that seemed to help. But also being in nursery and being around lots of kids was the main thing that made a difference. She slowly opened up over the course of the year at nursery and was absolutely fine starting school in September. Now has lots of friends in her class.

So I guess I’d say don’t stress at all - it will happen and that’s partly why preschool is a good idea - but a few play dates might also help.

And definitely don’t beat yourself up that it’s cos she’s an only. I had 2 siblings and was very shy throughout my childhood - irs more personality than anything else - but I’ve always had close friends. Quality over quantity I say!

Thanks so much for all your replies.
I know my DD wants to make friends but just isn't going to be the loudest one or the one who gets to the front first.
I'm going to talk to her about doing what the teacher asks her to do when tidying up at the end of the day,,,,
I think I might also do more of this at home, not that I'm doing everything for her - it feels at times you get stuck in a routine / and you just want to get dinner done - bath etc / oh quick tidy (me) of all that craft we were just doing etc whilst she's in the bath etc etc..

On the other hand the teacher said she has started to tidy up some toys the other day she was playing with with another boy - but when he also tried to help tidy up , she got annoyed and said she wanted to do it! The teacher had to intervene 🤦🏻‍♀️😫😆