So confused. Secondary infertility now unexpectedly pregnant

[Cantevenpickausername]

It's long so I apologise!

So DH and I hoped for a second child 7 years ago. Secondary infertility said no. Also with the added complication of an issue with one of my FTs, and PCOS. It wasn't impossible but even with 6 months of clomid didn't happen.

I got my head around it and eventually stopped feeling longing or sad at seeing tiny babies and pregnant ladies. To a point where I was perfectly content with my only child and being a family of 3.

Over the past 3+ years I've started a few conversations asking dh when he thought we should draw a line under it, although not entirely ready myself either. Over the past 18 months I became ready. And for the past 3, I started conversations about vasectomy, sterilisation, other contraception. Not wanting to find myself pregnant when no longer wanting to start all over again.

(I'm late 30s with a couple of invisible chronic health conditions, meaning life is a daily struggle and I'm not the mum I want to be my dc let alone any others, or the wife I would like to be either. )

DH is not someone who thinks ahead, so he would give it a few moments consideration and say if it happened he wouldn't be unhappy.
More recently I decided I was done and wasn't having sex again without contraception.

Which was apparently about 2 weeks too late.

So while it isn't exactly unwanted, it is a big surprise and I'm not sure I'm capable, or do actually want it.
I spent so many years getting used to it not being probable, and then seemingly not possible, that to pee on a stick and see double lines was not the expected outcome.
I've taken multiple tests over the years on long cycles, I really didn't see it being +ve this time.

The last thing I want is to have a child and resent it or regret it. No child should grow up like that.

DH is also a little uncertain, because I had been talking about contraception and because of my conditions, knowing I struggle already.

DC has always hoped for a sibling.

I have a close family member who couldn't have a child and adopted.

I can't imagine telling either of them (family member or dc in the future) that we terminated a pregnancy.

Obviously if termination is really something we think is best for our family (no matter how irresponsible it feels since we got ourselves in this position) then the sooner the better.

But, although DH is fully supportive, how do I make a choice like that.
Or how do I stop overthinking it and commit to the pregnancy to feel happy about this turn of events.

I'm naturally an overthinker. I think I will never stop second guessing myself whichever way we/I decide.

I don't have people irl I would be comfortable talking to about this. I really appreciate anyone who had made it through all of that to give me any response at all.

I’m sorry op that all sounds so tough. What is your heart telling you? I know you want to get a decision made but don’t rush too much. Take a while to think things through and talk it all out with your partner. I think main things to consider are your health and capacity/ability/willingness to not only continue with the pregnancy but raise another child. Not only the sleepless nights, nappies, weaning etc but toddler tantrums, teen hormones and beyond. Saying that, thinking of the flipside you know the overwhelming love and joy from having a child - does that excite you, to have that all again? In terms of your dc don’t feel like you must give them a sibling because they fleetingly may have enquired about one. They will be perfectly cherished as an only. Also, you don’t ever need to tell someone about a termination if you did not want to so don’t think about possible awkward conversations. The decision is very personal to you and you having an abortion does not change anyone else’s fertility situation. Be kind to yourself whatever you decide.