Do we have another after losing child?

[Starfishsun]

We have a five year old child after losing our son who was passed away with cancer 3 years ago.
I have always said I don’t want another child as I don’t ever want to ‘replace’ our boy.
we have a whole list of cons to not have another child.
Our one pro is we always wanted our children to have a sibling and feel our 5yr old misses their brother and is quite lonely at home at times.
i am 38 hubby is 40 so time isn’t on our side really?
but we feel as though it would be now or never?
I flit between thinking yes let’s just do it - but then panics and wonders what happens if our new child gets ill? (My sons cancer wasn’t genetic so highly unlikely) but i can’t help thinking it all the same.
I had an awful second pregnancy with SPD and cholestasis and have a more physical job now? The cons list is LONG?
we own our own home, baby would have its own room, we have good jobs and family support.
how do you know whether to just go for it or possibly regret it in a few years when it’s too late?

So sad to hear about the loss of your child. I think you can sit down and write out all the pros and cons in the world but it's not a rational pros and cons decision. it's not a decision you can ask others to make for you.

Have you had counselling. i know it'll take a bit of time but it may help you reach a bit of clarity

Thank you for your reply @Bells3032 Yes we have both had counselling…and I say it’s been 3 years so although we’ll never get over losing our son, life is a bit calmer now, I suppose.
im not asking people to make a decision for me/us, it’s just useful to know peoples opinions on if/when/how they decide to go for it if been thinking whether they try again for another?

I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't been in your shoes but reading your post, a couple of things stick out to me. You actually list quite a few pros for having another child: a sibling for your 5yo, you're financially stable and would have room without moving house, you have good family support.

You mention not wanting to 'replace' your boy. I sincerely believe that no child, whether a girl or boy will feel like a replacement once they are here. They will be different, with their own personality, you are in a different place, they will develop differently having an older sibling with a 6 year age gap etc.

I only have one child and would have really preferred to have two for my DD's sake and because our family is really very small (just DD and I at home). The reason I can't go ahead is because I have an unstable health condition and my finances could no way support another child.

You will always feel the loss of your boy acutely and I don't think any difference will be made to this whether you go on to have another child or not.
If deep down your feeling is that you want another child, I'd try.

You'd never be replacing your DS, but another baby could well be an enormous comfort for you. My sister lost one and she says she is glad she had another and talks about the new child as her third.

I think that having another child as a sibling for your child isn't a great reason. There will be at least six years between them by the time the baby is born, it's a big gap. You say the list of cons is long, so I wouldn't overturn that list just because of the sibling thing. Of course it's your decision though.

Sorry for the loss of your son

Thank you for your kind replies, yes ive not thought about those particular things house/room/job as pros @ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse but I suppose you are right.

@SmileWithADimple this is what I keep telling myself - hence the conflict of thoughts. A sibling is a single pro…..which hasn’t been enough to sway us till now.

I think if we were younger, money, (pregnancy health) was no object/issue we probably would without much thought.
its so hard not knowing what to do, the fact it’s been a few years makes me think if we’re not desperate for another child, but grieving has been very much there in the forefront, so our lives weren’t right to bring another child into. Although we’ll always grieve our son, life has shifted slightly and we cope ok and just carry on.

I look at our now 5 year old and wonder what their life will be - just missing their brother and whether in the future they’d say they’d have loved us to have had another sibling? Or just that they’d never lost their brother!

my hubby has asked if I’ll regret it in a few years?? as me being a woman doesn’t have time of my side as much as him being a man. (Charming but also true!😱)
this was his clumsy roundabout way of saying he would be up for it if I was? But at the time I said most definitely not, and he understood my reasons and agreed with most of them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I can relate to some of your thought process as we lost our first baby but I can't even begin to imagine what you have been though.

As I say I lost my first child and now have a toddler. I'm the same age as you and I don't know whether to have another. I always planned to have two and have had two but could not have predicted we would lose one so I find it difficult to adjust that mindset. Part of me still wants another child so my toddler has a sibling but I also know my family will never be fully complete. I also know I would never replace the child I lost.

I would say do what feels right to you. It sounds like you are in a position where you could have another so you could try.

I am the same age as you and also feel I cannot just wait a few years and see how I feel. I had difficult pregnancies with SPD both times and the second pregnancy I was a nervous wreck after losing my baby with no warning.

I still don't know myself but I don't think I would ever regret having another child. I think honestly I probably do want another, just not quite yet, but I feel like I might not have the choice if I wait, so might not get to have one. DH is not fully for it either.

My only other thought is a child brings so much joy and after a horrible loss that is not something to dismiss.

Not sure if that helps at all but wishing you and your family all the best.

I think it’s a really individual decision. We had a dd that died, but she was our eldest. We’ve since had 3 other children and I knew I wanted to have (living) siblings. Having another baby wouldn’t replace your ds at all. I’m so sorry for your loss.

In my view a child having a sibling goes far beyond 'having a playmate'. Yes, with a 6-year age gap children won't like the same toys/games when they're little but I've seen lovely sibling relationships with 4+ years age gaps where both the older and younger child have benefited from each other hugely.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Of course no child will ever replace what you've lost, but you can have and love a new child without compromising the love you had and still have got your son. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Starfishsun So sorry for the loss of your son.
The age gap would be large- Too big to be a true friend to play with - BUT in adult years, that age gap will shrink.

Having another of course will not be “ Replacing” your son , he is irreplaceable and unique.
Any new child will be their own person.

It’s only you and your husband who can make the decision.
Seems like you don’t really want another for yourself, more for your daughter ?

But she may not click with a younger ( 6 yr age gap) sibling.

It won’t stop her missing her brother, either. ( I’d imagine)

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course no-one will ever replace your son.

The thing that strikes me is that a baby could bring a lot of joy into your lives, and that would be a good thing.

I think the playmate part is irrelevant. I know various families with large gaps and there is something lovely about a 10 year old boy engaging with his toddler sibling.
And there is 5 years between me and my oldest brother and as soon as we were adults the age gap wasn't relevant.