Only child tips

[namechange143]

Hi

My DS is two & I've suddenly been feeling guilty that he's an only child.

I have always wanted two children, but due to lots of issues, I had him when I was 40 & I don't think I can put myself through anymore heartache trying again.

I've been feeling guilty that he has no siblings. Nobody to play with, nobody to go on rides with at the park.

Has anyone got any tips so I can make sure he doesn't feel lonely/left out?

Following as my DD is only 14 months.

Does your DS go to childcare? Mine goes to nursery 2 days a week and I think it’s great as she gets to be with the same children. On the other 3 days she goes to different parent and toddlers groups or soft play so is around children as well, she mostly likes to watch them at the moment. Do any of your friends have children of similar ages? My 2 closest friends both have babies about 6 months older and 6 months younger than my DD so I try to meet up with them, and she has some second cousins that are a similar age that she has met. When she’s older we’ll do play dates with her friends and hopefully she’ll meet some at hobbies etc as well.

I had a sibling but we had a biggish age gap and with school, childminders, dancing class, brownies/ guides, playing with children in the street, play dates and sleep overs I remember feeling happy in my own company the rest of the time, I loved doing things with my parents too like swimming, the fair, the park etc.

Try not to feel guilty. Many parents of multiples didn’t have a second child yet when their first was 2 years old. He’ll make friends and there are lots of benefits to a single child family both for you and him, he’ll get more of your undivided attention, resources, energy and time.

My child is an only one (teenage) and has only occasionally expressed a desire for a sibling, or siblings but that has mainly been when there has been a situation where they are in trouble for something and they have nobody else to blame.

My child has always been able to have friends over for play dates when little and sleepovers as they got older. Now we regularly have multiple friends over for sleepovers, so very sociable and I don’t think they miss out on anything other than learning how to argue and stand their ground in a dispute, which I feel siblings do teach each other.

I, as a parent, have felt guilty occasionally but actually, I have more time than I would with more than one child and I couldn’t have spread myself any more thinly so it is all good.

Try not to feel guilty or worry; many very successful people are only children and many that I know are perfectly happy with the situation.

Hello both. Thank you so much for your replies. I actually didn't realise anyone had replied so reading them has really helped!

He does go to nursery 4 times a week so gets some socialisation.

I'm pleased to hear that you enjoyed the company of adults too as that's when I worry and feel boring.

I'll stop feeling sorry for myself now and enjoy giving the little one all the attention 😍

My baby is 13 months and will be an only. For us as a family it's the perfect balance and I don't think i could be a good mum to two.

Selfishly at the moment we can do our hobbies and enjoy our daughter. Planning things like holidays and days out don't seem a chore.

Yesterday we decided to go out spontaneously and were able to do so from making that decision to all 3 of us being sat in the car and gone in the space of 10 mins. Don't know how easy that would be with a second child in the mix.

I love my baby and she is such a social, happy child. Loves nursery 2 days a week and toddler groups. Has play dates with NCT mums. She doesn't go without at all and i can give her all my attention.

We have one by choice, he is nearly 7. However, I still often wonder about it but ultimately it's a very positive decision for us as a family.

I agree about embracing invites for play dates, initiate your own, always attend birthday parties if you can. Do your own birthday parties. I have made an effort with the other (usually) mums at school drop off and pick up, chat and get to know people and I've joined the PTA, which so far hasn't been stressful but helped me make friends and acquaintances which has then led to social invites for DS.

As a family of three we are fully embracing the advantages of having one nearly 7 year old. Fun days out, trips away, holidays which we couldn't do as easily, both physically or financially with more than one. Other advantages are that DH and I have time to ourselves more easily, plus together, and we don't feel stretched too thin. Grandparents are very happy to have DS as it's easier looking after just one child!

When the time comes, also extra activities. DS does football, Beavers and swimming. Beavers especially is good for mixing and meeting new people.

DS has two cousins, both a bit younger than him, but I'm very keen to encourage his relationship with them, especially as one of them will also be an only child. His relationship with his aunts and uncles etc is also important to us.

It's easier said than done, but don't spend time feeling guilty or worrying. Embrace the advantages of one child as there are plenty!

Our only is 6 now - we build in socialising with other kids before and after school with childcare or clubs. We take turns hosting their mate sometimes at the weekend and meet up in with other friends with kids. Then they get downtime at home which is quieter, but it feels like a good balance! Lockdown was rough but feels like a distant memory now.

I have in effect 2 only children as there are 20 years between my 2 (eldest moved out of home) Lots of play dates, lots of soft play etc..... but also remember they need to learn to amuse themselves, don't constantly give them something to do. Being bored can really help with creativity and imagination. Don't be at their beck and call as they get older and play constantly with them.

Hello only child parents on mumsnet.com!

I am Maya Christie, an only child and first year student at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo. I am reaching out to you because I notice that many of you have parental guilt from concerns over your only child being lonely, unsociable, unhappy, and having resentment towards you.

Having been raised by parents who have experienced this guilt, in addition to having done hours of research on the topic of guilt among parents of only children, I know what will help you get rid of this nagging feeling that seems like it just won’t go away.

This guilt stems from the belief in an “only child syndrome” which summarizes all of the perceived negative characteristics of only children, and from countless only child stereotypes. The most common are that they are narcissistic and overall less altruistic.

The syndrome and stereotypes are deeply ingrained in society, conveying the idea that the parent of the only child is at fault for their child’s development. This idea is reinforced by the norm in the United States and United Kingdom of having two or more kids and garner unsolicited advice from other parents about having more kids, which I’m sure you have experienced. Both of these contribute to parental guilt.

You, only child parents on mumsnet.com, can relieve yourself of this guilt and strengthen your relationship with your child by examining research that has debunked the syndrome and negative stereotypes to look past biases and make judgements about your child and other only children based on facts. “Only child syndrome” comes from a faulty Victorian-era study that researched a small pool of only children, and countless studies on only children with large research pools and minimal statistical flaws disprove the stereotypes.

You can also take on different parenting techniques to defy the stereotypes. For example, encouraging your only child’s independence, expressing that you do not expect perfection, and setting up opportunities to build social interaction will promote positive development in your only child, proving to you and others that they are not as spoiled, sensitive, and antisocial as many think. Relieving yourself of guilt is not easy, nor is it quick, but remember, you’re not alone! By doing these things, you are taking a step in the right direction towards building a better life for you and your child one day at a time.

For any more questions or information, please feel free to contact me. Thank you!