Mixed feelings on being ‘one and done’

[GoldenCagedBird]

TW: only child by choice / thoughts of TTC again (I am aware many people on this board are not ‘one and done’ as their first preference). I really don’t want to upset people by talking about fertility flippantly.
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I have my precious DD after a really long and stressful pregnancy. I had two early miscarriages before she stuck. No fertility issues or medical problems, just terrible luck. The worry made me very, very ill and more of less confirmed that I didn’t want to be pregnant again.

I say confirmed as I went into pregnancy only wanting one child. I was/am a very, very happy only. I had a great relationship with my parents and a great life. I also have a fantastic, romantic relationship with my husband and I didn’t want 10 years of our relationship dividing and conquering multiple DC. I wanted ensure we had adequate couple time, family time and and solo time. Add in the pregnancy triggered mental health problems and I should be completely set.

But…in the last week I have felt an urge to be pregnant again, for my husband. He’s put no pressure for me and is happy to stop at 1, but has a sibling and wouldn’t mind having 2. He is such a wonderful father and provider that my urges are strongly linked to having another child with him, rather than an urge to just have another baby.

I don’t want another baby, I don’t want another child…but it feels almost primal. I have also watched a lot of Christmas movies of full family tables with adult DC and I’m thinking about whether it would be worth it in the end.

I’m only in my late twenties so I should have time to make my mind up completely but I am scared that this will be a source of angst on and off. I was so set on one and really only want one, but haven’t been able to shake this off.

hormones? Normal new baby stuff? Will it die down?

Who knows. I was one and done for about 2.5 years after DD was born. Then early this year I came over very broody and desperately wanted another baby - for me as well as DD. Quite randomly and from nowhere! Now 26 weeks pregnant. Part of my final decision making was how would I feel if I was told I couldn’t have any more children? I realised I would be very sad rather than relieved. Good luck whatever you decide.

How old is your baby? Do you have the urge to try again right now or just someday? How long have you been wanting another?
me and my partner are in a similar boat in thinking one and done. Like you, we like our time together etc and are both mid twenties so still like the idea of the odd night out with friends/date night/trip. However we’re both from big families and I loved growing up in a busy house with lots of siblings. My husband is also a wonderful dad, he’s so hands on, makes sure I get me time, does night wake ups etc and dotes on our dd.
Our baby is only 3 months and with my age I know I have a while before I need to make a proper decision really. You sound in a similar boat. Maybe have a frank discussion with your husband and see what he says. On the note about families at Christmas in films etc though, around half of uk families are one child and this is projected to rise. It’ll be a lot more common and as you know from experience only children still have wonderful childhoods. So don’t worry about any societal standards/pressures!

Christmas is a very family focussed time so maybe give it some time to see how you feel once life gets back to normal. If the feeling persists then you know it's what you want. The great thing is you have some time decide and don't have to rush your decision.

I think and in my experience of seeing other families there's a world of a difference between the 2 in 2 years families and the 2 with very big age gap families.

I know a few with 10 year plus gaps and their DCs (and parents) get the best of both worlds imo.

The benefits of 2 as adults, the the long term, elderly care, DCs having cousins, alone time for parents, babysitter for the younger.

And you don't have any of the disadvantages of small gaps.

I think it's one of the big pluses of starting a family in your 20s.

You have this option.

Once you're 35 plus starting out you are stuck with all or nothing.

@caroleanboneparte yes, agreed. There does tend to be a tendency now to wait till 36 then pop out 2 in very quick succession because time isn’t on your side. Which has benefits and drawbacks but generally it’s not great for the parents - I wanted to be able to enjoy DD as a baby and toddler before doing it all again, rather than just wanting to ‘get it all out the way’. She’ll be 3y8m when this baby is born hopefully, which I think is a nice-ish gap.

Let your head take control over your hormones. Your body will always tell you to reproduce while you are able to. You said you don't want a baby so don't