My child is never invited back

[Thelonelypotter]

I'm an older (53 yr old) single mum with an only child who is 9. I have always struggled a bit with friendships and have always found it difficult to meet other mums but I tried really hard. I invite my little girls friends over at her request and include them on days out and trips to things but she is never invited back. I don't understand why or what to do about it. I feel like I spend the school holidays waiting for parents to reply to me, sometimes they don't even do that. I now hate the school run because I just feel like a div. Where am I going wrong? The playground is also very cliquey. I just don't get it. Help

Thank you, your reply is so helpful xx

I try and invite kids around but I struggle to find the time to be honest. We both work, I work nights so adds another level of tiredness. We have 3 kids and busy Afterschool most days with brownies, football, swimming. We don’t get many offers back when I do have the kids around but I don’t take it personally and just assume everyone is busy like us.

I don't mind having children over and don't expect reciprocation. If your child is happy to have playdates over, and the other children are happy to come, does it matter you are always the host? If they don't like your child, they won't come.

Other people might be too busy to reciprocate. We have clubs on both Saturdays and Sundays and are only free during school holidays. It's very hard to find time to host other children.

Also, at 9, are you expecting the mums to come too? You mention about meeting other mums. At that age, they'll be just dropping their children off and come back a few hours later.

Two is good! I haven't managed one at all for my younger. I tried over the summer but both her friends are busy for the only weekend I was free.

The older one had friends over a few times in the autumn term. But it's quite different. They tend to be evening ones like ice skating and trick or treat.

Well you'd have thought but around here people still seem to want to come so I wouldn't bank on it

Perhaps you are already doing that, but I suggest that your daughter go to sports or music or other hobbies. That will give her a great social life!

No I don't expect mum's to stay so it's no hassle but I naively thought that was how it works. I have had other kids at my house hundreds of times so kind of expect it to be reciprocated sometimes. I get it that people work and have other children and often have problems with older children but am surprised when none of those things apply. She has started drama so am trying to distract her from the lack of invites and will try to do lots of things over Christmas but I think she needs to be with other children more too.

Is she in Brownies? They meet once a week and also have county wide activities in the weekend. The good thing about them is there's no expectation to be 'good' at it or needing to 'practice'. That will give her more opportunities to spend time with other children her age? If your unit is local, it will be mostly children from her school too.

I mean sometimes the units have county or division wide activities. It's not every weekend. And not all units are equally active.

It's hard isn't it! We moved from down south to up north when DS (only child) was in year 1 at school, so all the other children had grown up since nursery school together and he was the new boy.

It's taken a long while, I literally invited everyone from his class (one at a time obvs) to our house for a cup of tea and a playdate. I tried so hard when we moved!

He's now in year three so it's been 2 years and can say that two of his friends, both girls, regularly invite him back and that's great because they're both lovely girls with lovely parents, (and I'd consider myself to be a friend to these parents too now...) but some parents like you say, don't even bother replying to messages. It's hard because I'd like him to playdate with "the boys" a bit more but not much you can do really.

It's hard not to think you must be doing something wrong. I sometimes wonder if our southern accent is putting people off! Don't give up though. You sound lovely!

I loved Brownies when I was little but she doesn't want to go. She's like an older child because she's spent too much time with adults I think so isn't that similar to others her age.

I'm an older single mum with 1 dd too, and I used to have the same experience when she was younger too, with playdates not being reciprocated much. I think it was on here that I read a post once saying some people whose children have siblings don't see the need to prioritise playdates as much, as their kids already have company - which made me realise I perhaps shouldn't take it personally. It is hard though - I always wished my dd was friends with another only child.

I loved Brownies when I was little but she doesn't want to go. She's like an older child because she's spent too much time with adults I think so isn't that similar to others her age.

You could look for something more skills/structure-based like cadets, or take up an instrument. Music opens tons of doors socially.

I work until 6pm every weekday but one and DD generally needs that day a week to have my undivided attention after school. This is the reason that we don't often invite a friend round after school.

Apart from logistics issues like this, the children I don't invite for playdates are those kids that require a lot of attention from me while they're here, or will show disrespect for our house/belongings, are rude, or extremely fussy eaters etc. As a single parent trying to work full time and be a parent I just don't have the capacity to deal with a child who is difficult to have around. Before I'm jumped on for this comment, DD's best friend is autistic and I'm happy to have her here because although I need to take care to set up the playdate to work, she is an absolute delight to have here and she and DD play wonderfully together will little input from me.