My child is never invited back

[Thelonelypotter]

I'm an older (53 yr old) single mum with an only child who is 9. I have always struggled a bit with friendships and have always found it difficult to meet other mums but I tried really hard. I invite my little girls friends over at her request and include them on days out and trips to things but she is never invited back. I don't understand why or what to do about it. I feel like I spend the school holidays waiting for parents to reply to me, sometimes they don't even do that. I now hate the school run because I just feel like a div. Where am I going wrong? The playground is also very cliquey. I just don't get it. Help

its heartbreaking isn’t it? We had the same with our only child. People were very happy to send their offspring to ours for tea/play dates/ trips out etc but it was never reciprocated.
We put it down to one of us being disabled, it makes people awkward so they avoided us. DP always said it was like a parting of the Red Sea when they walked onto the playground, as people quickly turned & moved away. I imagine you are older than the majority of parents there so they don’t view you as ‘just like them’ & therefore not as a potential friend. The playground is very cliquey, it’s hell.
It was honestly a relief when our DC started high school and we no longer had to do the school run.
You really aren’t doing anything wrong but I know how uncomfortable it is to be standing there like a lemon while everyone else looks happy & are chatting together

I have 4 DC. the 2nd one almost never got invited back. She was very popular & few said no to her invites, but very very few invited back (!!)

I could say it was a girl thing (no invites back). The boy parents mostly invited back.

ps: DC3 was labeled a thug by other parents, so we got shunned for that at times. Hilarious that he was labeled polite & mature in high school. <shrug>

Even more example of same type of thing for DC4.

I am very open when I accept invites, I say immediately that I am unlikely unable to offer in return. We have a farm and six children and both work part time externally we do not have the time or head space for supervising others. I make it up at teenage years as I'm the one doing all the lifts as we live so far out I'd have to do it anyway. Even my sister who has four but no farm struggles in the same way as I do. It isn't personal.

If it helps, I hate the school gates and it’s a huge relief that my last DC is in Year 6 and I no longer go as she takes herself there and back. No particular reason, I work full time so feel like I don’t fit in on the occasions I do make it to the school gates.

I’m not sure you can do anything about the lack of invites, just let her decide who comes over/joins you and be aware the friendships all change again at secondary.

Also, I never mind having extra children over. I like a busy house. But seem people really do not like the extra work that can bring.

This honest is completely appreciated.
It’s the ones who keep saying oh yes I’ll arrange something but never do that I have the issue with.

This is tough but I think for your dc’s sake you might just need to tough it out. If she enjoys spending time with certain kids them keep inviting them & try to strike up a convo with the parents. Regardless of whether the invite gets returned, your dc still gets a play date.

I felt this with my Ds & wondered if it was just him/ me. But it was weird as I was friendly with the other parents. We made sure to invite a few different friends (inc from clubs, not just school) & eventually found the ones who would reciprocate. Though I would still invite others if DS asked.

I think that sons parents just can’t be arsed with play dates. Others may feel awkward or embarrassed about where they live for whatever reason. Others may be busy with work/ caring responsibilities. It’s unlikely to be you or your age IMHO.

Carry on and invite your child’s friends - you are after all doing it for them - don’t even think about return invites - suck it up for them!!

I think it’s rude not to invite back but some parents just don’t - either work, untidy house, have other children so end up having to invite one each - house over run!

Lots of reasons - but the main one is the clique! Parents have their own friends so don’t include others - very sad - you can’t have too many friends!

It’ll all change in high school as the kids make their own friends and not the ones their parents want them to have!

In previous times I didn’t invite back but it was purely because I was embarrassed about where we lived.

I feel awful for saying this but we lived in a flat on a slightly rough estate. It was a new build flat I owned but some of the neighbours were awful and at various times there were things like burnt out cars in the car park and drunks and drug addicts near our front door. It was very awkward as DD received lots of invites and I do wonder what parents thought of me when their DC were not invited back.

We’ve now moved to a ‘nice’ area and have a house on a lovely tree lined street. However the new school isn’t as friendly as the old one and we don’t get as many invites which I think is karma!

Obviously I don't know the full context, but I wouldn't take it personally. For a multitude of reasons, my house isn't suitable for play dates etc, and both me and DH work full time so the last thing we want on the weekend is some stranger child over to play if I'm honest! That said I will try to reciprocate play dates and suggest meeting at the park and "I'll buy the coffees!" For example.

I’m a single mother of one ds. We invited to ours. I loved ds to have company and people to play with. I ended up saying, as they were reluctant to accept another invite as they couldn’t reciprocate, for whatever reasons, that that really didn’t matter and that we were happy to host and that I’d rather always host and have their company than for it not to happen. They couldn’t reciprocate for various reasons, some worked, all had partners and many had other children too. Secretly I would have liked ds to go to theirs too as that’s an extra treat for him but in the end I was happy with what we did do. He had many sleepovers at ours and home for teas and taking out for the days etc. And that was nicer than him never spending time with pals. I will add he never really made that many friends at school but he was in scouting all the way to explorers and there he made some (so far now aged 19) very good friends for life. Also in scouts it felt at times he was never home at weekends!! He was always away somewhere!

I’d try not to take it personally…some parents are working a lot of have different levels of confidence with other peoples kids

I would love to invite back, but DH WFH full time, so it's difficult, especially in the holidays. I do try to organise things if he's going to be in the office, and when he went off on a jolly last month, both DCs had sleepovers.

DH grew up in a house where no friends ever set foot over the threshold, he was always at someone else's house. So in his mind, that's the way it should be. I grew up in a house with an open door policy.
It's tricky navigating the two outlooks at times.

It most likely is not you.

My son was never asked back even though the other children came here initially frequently but as the years went on I did tail it off. He seemed popular enough in school but was never one of the favoured children. Left primary and now in S4. Still doesn't have a close group to out with but seems happy enough and I am happier as I don't have to hear about all the outings/ parties/ play dates/ sports days that he was never invited too. Haven't heard from even one of the parents since we left and it was a small year group and I was friendly enough with the other parents. Primary school playgrounds are brutal places.

Hi OP, we also have hosted a lot more at ours than DS is reciprocated.

We renovated our house when we bought it and it's usually tidy (due to DH's tidiness, not mine!) and one mum who I'm now good friends with said she'd never dared invite us back because her flat was "a hovel in comparison" and we'd have hated it...

It goes without saying that DS would have loved to have been invited there :) but she'd have felt embarrassed to have us there. I think it's really a lot more complicated for some people than "we don't like you so won't invite you back".

As PPs have said, just keep calm and keep inviting kids over, and your little girl will have lovely childhood memories of fun at your house, and that's all that matters.

God I wish my child could have friends over here!
I'm not bothered about her going to others my child is desperate to have a friend over but when I text people they're apparently too busy or don't reply.
One saying we'll arrange something asap. Well if she wanted to she'd have said a day wouldn't she.
It makes me really annoyed and sad.
It's not like the parents have to stay either.
My child is starting to notice it now and there's not much I can do as I've tried.

This is very true!
I think you’d be surprised how many parents are shy, weirdly ashamed of something (like where they live or what they do) or don’t feel confident having other kids round. It’s lovely that you are so good about it.

I can very rarely have DC’s friends over, I’m just too busy so it’s hard to be honest. But as a PP has said I will often say it first. I work full time, I study and most weekends we like to do family things. I have managed to arrange two play dates for my dd since sept! Two! I’m just busy…

I hadn't thought of that, thanks

Also single parent/only child combo

I think people don’t mean to be mean they’re just busy with multiple children and jobs and commitments and think they’ll do it later but it’s not a priority for them because their kids have their siblings around in the evening so why would they priortise organising a social life for them on top of all the extra curricular they just drove them all round!

Best advise is dont give more than you’re able to give without resentment. Takes practice but just keep prioritising your kids needs and you won’t go far wrong

My child went to visit a friend for a play date in July. I have been trying to get organised amd invite back but still haven't done it. I am mortified. Older childs clubs, elderly mum to look after, Christmas shopping, birthday parties.

Honestly it is on my mind we haven't reciprocated and completely my fault. I am going to text them tomorrow - would hate for the mum to feel like you do. Hope she doesn't but you never know.

I have always made a big effort to have kids round for play dates and trips and birthdays etc.
Both my girls are reasonably popular and have good, reciprocal friendships.
They have still been rarely invited back to other kids houses.
I think there is a collection of different reasons why some families don’t do it.
Working parents, more than one household and busy lives being some of the main ones.
Try hard not to take it personally as it probably isn’t.
I made a decision in my head that I wasn’t going to see it as a tit for tat type thing.
If my Dd wanted a friend round and I was able to facilitate that then we did it. It’s meant that her friends are here much more than she ever goes anywhere else but I can’t control that.

Another thought- due to clubs and work we currently only have 1 night a week when visits would even be possible.
some kids have very busy schedules nowadays.

@Smartiepants79 yes!! We have this aspect too!! We have one evening a week with nothing on and we use that as a regroup time for us, time to catch up with homework, let the kids chill out etc.