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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Feeling deflated

18 replies

Jellyfish7 · 12/11/2022 19:15

I took my dd (who’s 5) to a local kids play centre today where I met another mum who has 2: her older daughter is in the same year at school as my dd and she has a younger sister. It was all fine until I overheard my dd telling the younger one she hasn’t got any sisters or brothers, not even baby sisters or brothers, only a fluffy cat. Upon hearing this I couldn’t help but feel sad and guilty.
After 3 years of infertility struggles (including 8 failed ivf transfers) I feel utterly defeated by it all. It feels like there’s no escape from triggering moments like this and I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s hard to remain upbeat for my dd and keep putting myself out there to ensure she has lots of friends. I do remind myself of the positives of just having one but it’s not something I find easy or feel I’m ready to accept. Wondered if anyone else feels this way and how you deal with it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Beanbagtrap · 12/11/2022 19:17

I think children will always compare themselves but ultimately your DD gets you all to herself which is so valuable. I have two and it's been very hard on the bond I have (had) with my first. The grass isn't always greener.

faffadoodledo · 13/11/2022 07:40

And no siblings to fight with or feel jealous of or make compromises for. Your daughter sounds like she has the best parent in you.
And it sounds like she's really proud of her fluffy cat, which is fab! Xx

kwaziseyepatch · 13/11/2022 07:46

My daughter used to cry for siblings, now she has one she often says she wishes they weren't here.
Don't take it to heart.

Sorry for your infertility struggles

Squirrelonwheels · 13/11/2022 07:46

My daughter went through exactly that aged 5 - she told me (incorrectly!) that she was the only one in her class without any brothers or sisters. I felt awful but as time went on I realised that she was just working everything out and comparing herself to her peers and realising families looked different (I had told her about different family types but nothing beats actual experience!) - several years on and she doesn’t ever complain. She loves her friends’ siblings but that doesn’t seem to translate into wishing she had one. Hope that helps. (Also mine hasn’t even got a fluffy cat!)

reallyworriedjobhunter · 13/11/2022 07:48

Can you try and be a bit kinder to yourself? Easy for me to say I know but it sounds like you have been through hell and high water to give her a sibling.

Would some counselling help you get through these situations? They will carry on cropping up as your daughter makes friends with families of all shapes and sizes as she grows up.

Sending a hug.

MintJulia · 13/11/2022 07:54

You have a beautiful daughter who gets the benefit of all your love and your resources. Don't underestimate how good that can be.

RubertRoo · 13/11/2022 08:10

I do thing around that age they all go through a stage like this perhaps? My 5 year old DD cries a lot about a lack of siblings at the minute. When I explained that if i were to have a baby, I couldn't lie in bed to put her to sleep each evening, we wouldn't be able to go on the holidays we do she looked concerned and said 'it's OK nanny and grandad can just have the baby to live with them' so it's clear that it's just because most people around her have siblings rather than her life being unhappy lacking siblings. Just focus on the positives of being an only to your child. It must be hard for you though having tried.

Original poster

Jellyfish7 · 13/11/2022 19:19

Thank you for all your replies. Yes it’s a difficult situation be in as I always hoped we’d have another; sometimes I feel others judge me (unfairly) and assume it was my choice. The fertility issues I’ve had are very personal so I don’t want to share them and often get very emotional when I talk about it to those I can trust. Counselling is something I’m looking at as I have to face the school run/sibling thing so often. I wish I had more mum friends who just have one child due to fertility issues so my support network was stronger.

OP posts:

ChristmasisRuined · 13/11/2022 19:24

I'm the same in a way. My DH died before we could have any others. So it's just me & DD

Original poster

Jellyfish7 · 14/11/2022 06:32

So sorry to read that, makes you appreciate the different circumstances and why you shouldn’t judge 💐

OP posts:

greentreeseverywhere · 15/11/2022 18:06

Sorry to jump on but I just need to write.
I have found the starting school really hard. She loves it and is having so much fun and I was busy once she started (round of ivf and general life!) but now everything has slowed down or stopped iam so lonely during the day

Anyway

Today my best friend who never wanted another child, has moaned about how much she hates her husband for the last year and generally very anti another child due to her experience with her first pregnancy/birth has txt me to tell me she's pregnant as she's telling our friendship group this weekend at an event.

she knows I'm struggling with ivf and our next round is our last and that I haven't yet excepted our family of 3 and not 4(or more!)

then I collected my daughter from school and the usual when can I have a sibling questions started. normally I can handle these and we are very open about mummies tummy not working and the dr trying to help....
but I'm so sad for her
I'm so sad for myself
I've had horrible thoughts about my friend and her future/baby
iam so fucked off with it never being my time and my fertility being on my mind constantly

User57713 · 15/11/2022 18:18

Your dd will be fine, there are lots of benefits to being an only. Look on the bright side etc etc etc.

But you're also allowed to feel sad that you haven't been able to have another child. I'm sorry. That's a loss for you too. It must be hard seeing the family dynamics going on around you and feeling like your family is not how you imagined it would be.

I dont have any advice, just that I hear you.

Snugglemonkey · 15/11/2022 18:35

I don't really know what to say, other than I have been in that position and it is horrible to feel guilty over something you have no control over. My DC used to cry and tell me he was lonely. I know every wish he made was for a sibling. I was having ivf, doing everything I could but those conversations made me feel like the worst parent. I am not sure they really understand what it would be like to have a sibling even.

I am currently pregnant, but despite DC being ecstatic, he is not grasping how much will actually change. I hope he is ok with it all when it happens.

In time, your dd will understand that she loves an idea, but her reality is great too. Wishing you all the best 💐💐💐

swirlypinky · 15/11/2022 19:56

I have one child. Conceived by IVF

I never expected it to work and was
Petrified I wouldn't be a parent at all.

When baby was born, I was so happy, thoughts of a second haven't really plagued me hugely. Im so grateful to have a child

DC has never asked for a sibling and doesn't seem to want one.

Maybe because it's a non issue for us, I haven't projected any sibling desires onto my child. Its not really discussed. We three accept our
Family for what we are

lilachouse · 23/11/2022 21:50

If it’s any consolation it gets a bit easier once the baby years are over. I have one IVF child, tried hard for another to no avail and now am too old. We would have loved more but we are all very close and have lots of good times together as a three. For many years it didn’t look like even one child was on the horizon so I make myself remember that I’m lucky.

Essexgirlupnorth · 23/11/2022 22:38

Yeah I have an only she is 9. We have been trying to have a second for 6 years and I have had three miscarriages. Now I am 41 and just don't think it will happen.

Had so much guilt about being an only during lockdown as she was so lonely. She did used to ask for a sibling but stopped after my first miscarriage. I still hate going out for days out as everyone else seems to have at least 2 kids. Her best friends mum was saying to her you don't want a little sister as we were chasing her best friends little sister who she adores round the playground. She would have made such a brilliant big sister and breaks my heart that I let her down

Original poster

Jellyfish7 · 24/11/2022 20:49

Sorry to hear about your struggles too, it’s really hard to deal with when you can’t escape it.
I’m taking our dd to see Santa tomorrow, which on the surface sounds like a lovely thing to do but involves meeting 4 other mums who will ALL have siblings in tow. I worry my dd must look at situations like this and wonder why it’s just the 2 of us. It rubs salt in the wound and not like I can just avoid/not go otherwise she wouldn’t see her friends and Santa. Brave face time again.

OP posts:

Discoh · 24/11/2022 20:59

I think seeings as you've struggled with fertility and dearly wanted another, you might be projecting that a little onto how she feels.

Our DD is an only but the difference is we were resolute in only wanting one. The only time I've felt slightly guilty was when I found her playing monopoly, against herself 😂

Try to look at the positives...she gets all your energy and attention, DD really benefitted from being an only during lockdown/homeschooling fir example. Financially an only benefits no matter what your situation. It's really not that bad for them.

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