Grief and lack of friends

[Huddersfieldlass]

Hi

My son is a happy 2.5 year old little boy that attends nursery twice a week and enjoys it.
He spends rest of his time between my partner and I.

I'm worrying because I feel a bit of a mess at the moment, my first son died one day after birth at a local hospice after a difficult birth in hospital at 34 weeks pregnant after suffering from PROM.
Which I had again with my second son but this time we got to take our son home.

We lost our first son at the end of 2018 and had our second son just before lock down in 2020.

Our lives were a world away from what they are now before our sons death. We never recovered and had another son just before lockdown and then lock down happened. We lost close family that we saw regularly within the first couple of months of lockdown. Friends struggled to know how to help us through what we were going through because of their own lives and issues. I feel like I've lost majority of my friends and loss in my family just makes it all ten times worse.

I dont know how to rebuild my life now and worry my lack of friendships is rubbing off on my son because he sees us with very few close family members or friends.

We do things regularly as a family, get out and about. I've been struggling a lot with the grief and have taken a sabbatical from work for a year to cope with all that and have taken up a couple of courses to study and try and build my confidence. But they are having the opposite effect I just feel like I struggle to speak to people and get one with them now. Like all my confidence is just gone..whatever I try to do to make me feel better seems to make me feel worse.

Friends that were best friends before what happened have got married in the last year and haven't invited us to the wedding or to celebrate with them..just feel like a lepur and no matter how much we try all that is going to rub off on our son.

I just don't know what we have done to deserve all this, I'm a good person, we have worked hard all our lives, no onee ever given either of us anything, we have always given to others. Even since our sons death we have raised money money for local hospice, done events, helped causes. Tried to be positive but it feels like we haven't handled it in the right way and being punished for it. I didnt know how to handle his death I had extreme anxiety I just tried to cope that's all I can say.

It's just not a great place to be at all and feel like a burden to everyone really.

Sorry that sounds so hard... Have you had one been offered counseling? You sound like a lovely, caring person who has been through a traumatic experience 🌺.

Hi there. Firstly, I am so sorry for what you've been through. That must have been heartbreaking and I can't even imagine the pain you feel. The fact friends seem to have not invited you to things etc is probably just a coincidence. It sounds to me like you're doing amazingly. Your son will be doing plenty of socialising at nursery and also will absolutely love the company of Mummy and daddy. I doubt he'd even notice what friends you have, the fact you're even thinking that shows what a great mum you are being. Have you tried speaking to a GP about how you feel? It's so much to go through on your own.

Hi Thank you. I had counselling after my son died in the first year, but it was focused on going through birth again in hospital and how to get through that and my anxiety being pregnant again and even having to go into hospital pregnant because my first sons birth went so wrong. I have tried to access counselling since but was put on a waiting list for ages and when I did get it in May this year they could only offer me online counselling which I struggled with and also the counsellor just wanted me to self heal use things like journaling focusing on things to br grateful for and didn't want to get into anything on a deep level. Iam grateful for a hell of a lot but I can't help having this pain to cope with I didnt do it to myself. So I feel like I have all this emotional impact that I have to carry round with me and it's painful. Everyone else feels like they have moved on but part of our lives is still stuck there.

They say grief gets easier with time people have said that to me but I don't think that's true in relation to a child, it gets worse if anything. The reality sinking in that you never got to see them grow up is hard to handle..

I will try again with counselling but it's hard opening yourself up with all this if the person doesn't fully want to help..your just left to cope with all these emotions that were buried.

Thank you though

I'm really sorry for your many losses. This all sounds so hard. Just wanted to give you a hug while reading your post.

Maybe you can (in addition to seeking counselling) find a grief group, whether for baby loss or more generally? My mom lost her brother, parents and best friend during covid and she's been attending an in person group which has helped. I wonder if something similar exists online? It can be really isolating going through loss and finding others in a similar boat really helps. Those who don't stick around probably just can't cope and while painful it's probably better for you in the long run if they aren't genuinely supportive.

Try not to worry about your son. If he likes nursery that will help his social skills. You are doing your best. Sort out your own head and heart and try to be kind to yourself. Healing from loss isn't linear and takes a lot of time.

Hopefully a different type of counselling may be able to help you. You've been through so much. I really feel for you.
Have you tried the "peanut" app? I met a few friends through there with things in common x

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Our baby daughter died in 2017 and we went on to have another baby quickly and then had to deal with lockdown too. It sounds like our journies have lots of similarities - it can feel so lonely at times and grief really hits so hard so much of the time. I feel like I'm just beginning to realise how heavy this weight will always be and it's very difficult to accept that. I find it difficult now because it feels like everyone assumes that my life is back on track but it so, so isn't. I've lost so much confidence and ease too and struggle with friends who don't know how to acknowledge what happened.
Sorry, I've just talked about myself because I don't really have any advice, just sympathy. It sounds like you are doing so sorts of really positive things - fundraising and courses. I guess the thing that helped me turn a slight corner the most (for now, I know there will be so many crashes back to difficult times) was realising how much 'searching' I was doing for things that might make it feel better, and acknowledging what I was doing. I still do those things (courses too, writing, mindfulness) but try to be more aware that they aren't going to 'cure' me. I did a block of counselling recently to talk about this and the triggers that I still really struggle with, especially with feeling out of control when parenting, and that also helped a lot.
Sorry again that I can't help more - sending hugs.

@WolfMother326 your post really touched me thank you for writing it, honestly have tears welling up. Most of the time you walk round after baby loss feeling like no one understands or wants to acknowledge the grief you have for the baby you carried for so long. It means so much when someone really listens and tries to understand thank you. Yes after I posted this I actually found another online group focus on child loss and that's really helped me off load with people that are in a similar boat some of the members are there because they too lost a baby. I think that's what I need right now just to be able to get these shitty feelings out if that makes sense rather then having them swirling round my own head and feeling worse and worse.

Yes I do worry about him. But I don't know why really he's happy and getting on with his life. Which is everything I want. I'm just a bit paranoid with fear over all this that I don't want him to feel he has to carry any of this emotional baggage as he grows up and try my upmost to keep it away from him. Thank you for your help for me and the hug xxx

@namechange143 oh thank you so much for your kind words xx no I haven't tried the peanut app, I will have a look for it this evening and download it that's really helpful. I would rather be doing something proactive or it all just overwhelms me and I feel worse and sorry for myself more and more that I've lost friends due to all of this. Thank you for suggesting that xxx

@Stupidquestion1 wow yes your story is so similar to my own. I'm so sorry your having to cope with this too. It's like a big marker has been drawn through the timeliness of my life, where our baby son died. So now I live with a before and after, I know I haven't coped with the trauma of it all. You never think this will happen to you. We had his nursery set up and everything it's like a nightmare even now thinking back. I just don't think people appreciate the magnitude of the loss of a baby what it does to the parents. It's sad that it's still such a taboo to be able to express fully how your coping. Cos that's all we all do is learn to cope bit by bit we don't move on. So much of what you said rings true for me too. My confidence was destroyed by what happened. I have never had anxiety like it, I struggled to leave the house for weeks after it happened I had to mentally force myself I thought something else bad would happen, the times I did go out I had bad panic attacks. I look back and just want to hug myself for those weeks of hell. I don't know how I got through it.
I've started to rebuild my confidence by doing courses but your so right we are all i think in our position just looking for something to fix ourselves it may or may not work. But personally i have to keep trying because with each I gain a little more confidence back even if not the whole me and I have to accept it will never be the whole me again. Although I can say that I think I'm still learning to accept its not the whole me anymore.
God don't worry about sharing what you've been through that helps finding others that are on the same path but I truly truly wish you weren't, I wouldn't wish it on anyone xxx much love and hugs to you and thank you so much for sharing and replying to me xxx

Hi @Huddersfieldlass how are you getting on? Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling ❤

Thanks for reaching out @WolfMother326 it's been a hard month. I think I've realised how hard ive been on myself and don't really know why I can't just let myself be sad about it all. I think I worry if I let myself be too sad it will be too hard to pull myself back again. But it kind of makes it worse cos I'm stopping myself from expressing how I'm feeling properly out of fear I will go too deep. I've got through it. Still feeling down about the friend situation I don't know how to sort that, I'm dwelling too much about lost friendships rather then making new ones. I don't know it's all just so impactful it's hard to step forward into this new life after what happened. I think in it all I'm stil holding on to the past of who I was and whats gone rather then embracing the present fully. Thanks again for reaching out, nice to know someone cares xxx

Hey @Huddersfieldlass sorry for the slow reply. That all sounds hard, but of course things will continue to feel challenging and I really do think grief goes up and down. I know what you mean about not wanting to let it all out so keeping it bottled up. But maybe you could find an outlet? Like a time you put aside to write just one page in a journal each day with a cup of tea, and close the book til the next day. Like even just writing a list of nice things about yourself or your day sometimes helps me.
Or a counselor or online group you could attend once a week or fortnightly, so that you can return to those thoughts but not let them out at all times.
As for friends, golly it's hard making friends as an adult with kids. I have had the best luck making friends doing something I like to do - for instance I met one friend because we were both always swimming at the pool and we just started chatting, and my only other close friend I met through a book group years ago. It's hard to meet new people but i think just being open to it and doing things that you yourself enjoy is a good way to start.
Anyway sorry for all the advice but I hope you're continuing to be kind to yourself. It's a hard time of year in some ways. Give your little one a kiss and try to get through each day knowing you're doing your best ❤️