39 and thinking about a second

[deliwoman1]

My DD is 4 months old and I was told after my c-section to wait a year until trying again, so we've got some time before making a decision, but I'm stuck. Having one is HARD. We're in the trenches with DD right now - she's never slept much due to digestive issues, and yet she's still in the middle of the 4-month sleep regression, but I cannot stop thinking about whether or not to have a second... you'd think this would put me off!

I'm 40 in Feb, and so time isn't on my side. If we decide to go ahead we'll probably need to start trying relatively soon after it's safe for me. I can't say I'm rationally swerving either way atm, but I do have a shortlist of names for the unborn one (I think it would be another girl!) so my imagination keeps taking me there. My partner is also on the fence I think, though perhaps more pragmatic than me about realities. He is very, very hands-on and supportive. Our major concerns are financial (childcare costs, plus we'd need to move and we rent in London so pricey) and the lack of time for each other (our relationship is very strong, but you know!) yet I do feel that a sibling would be a good thing for DD, and somehow I'm not... done..?

Minor concerns are recovery from c-section (with a toddler) as I could end up with one (though I'd try for a VBAC), and general exhaustion. Though my first pregnancy was absolutely fine (felt great tbh), we did suffer some losses before that which was tough. For some reason I'm not worried about sharing time with DD, because I feel having a sibling close in age would outweigh that in the long term.

I'm leaning toward trying and seeing how we get on for a year or two then giving up if we experience repeated losses that take their toll or I don't conceive at all (unlikely, because I tend to quite easily).

Any thoughts? WWYD in my situation? Hard to say, I know, but I'm so, so torn!

Unless there’s something you need to do right now to decide or to prepare, I would put this to one side for now. Chances are your brain will work away on it subconsciously and your body will continue to heal and you’ll have a much better idea in a few months. Just take the intervening time to enjoy your lovely baby :)

I'm in a very similar position. I'm not far from 39 and have a 14 month old, born by emergency c section that wrecked me body for a while. The first 6-9 months were so hard but then things got easier as baby got more mobile and interactive. Sleep has never been good but we cosleep and that helps me get some rest. I also have a really supportive partner, but we had to move with the baby to a bigger place which was a huge struggle that took over our lives. And we have no family support around. At around the same time as you are now I was OBSESSED with making a decision to have or not have another even tho life was so hard it was also so wonderful. I really want another and also am so close with my sibling it's very hard for me to imagine not at least trying for two, and being upset that I left it so late (that's life though, right?) I couldn't let it go even though I wasn't ready. I talked about it a lot with my husband, over and over, and we decided that a plan would help. We'd wait til our baby was 18 months old so my body could heal and we'd have a reasonable gap. I'd be almost 39 when we started trying so there were risks in waiting, but at the same time we have a perfect little boy already so if it wasnt meant to be I think I could live with that. We're now coming up to that point and it's been so helpful for my mental health to have a plan: to try, just not quite yet. It's let me put it aside and enjoy my baby.

Maybe this would help you too, but you could try after 12 months instead due to age/priorities? You could also make additional plans, like choosing to save if you can to get a bit of extra help in the first few months, even if that means someone coming to play with the older child a bit or help at home. I know we'll have to do that and as I'm back at work part time I am trying to save for that, especially in case I end up with another c section. Also, you could try to make a plan about moving. I suggest getting this done before you have two, try to go somewhere with space to not move for a few years if that's at all possible. We had to leave London to make that happen but its been a great choice for us as we've saved a lot on housing costs.
Anyway, long post but I hope this is helpful and I totally understand your feelings.

Also nearly 39 and thinking about baby two. Think we want to go for it but it's if we do that now or wait a few months as I have an important exam in January. My child older so age gap just gets bigger although I feel I'd cope better that with a small gap. We are also in London and have no intention of leaving we are happy here and my husbands work is very London centric.

I'm 44. I had my first at 39 , emergency c section. It took me ages to come around to the idea of having a second...
I recovered pretty well from the c section, it was just juggling those early years with no family help close by......
Hubby and I have only been trying for past 7 months but as each cycle passes, I know my chances are even less....
But I think we are very happy as a family of three...I see so many parents struggling and stressing trying to juggle multiple kids...not saying we have it easier but there are many benefits to having one.
Good luck with your decisions 💐

I had my first at 38 by c-section and started TTC again when she was about 20 months old. Luckily didn't have to wait too long to get pg (around 5 months I think) and had my second baby just before I turned 41. I don't regret it for a moment - it's been wonderful all round.