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Desperately need advice

2 replies

Pammy0 · 26/10/2022 21:36

Long post but I'm in need of advice please. I'm at my wits end.

To try put it as short as possible, I'm a mum of a 1.5yr old boy. I moved in with my mother several months ago because me and my ex split up (and have issues going on which I needed to involve a solicitor because he's controlling and him and his mother were mentally and emotionally abusive towards me), so since moving in with my mother, she had to leave her rental and was unable to afford anything in the area so we moved with her as we didn't have anywhere else, to a place which is 5hrs away from my ex, so my son doesn't get to see him very often, he moved with his parents to Wales (I'm in England) and we're planning on staying here a while. I'm also currently on UC, looking for a job but daycare issues.

Thing is my mother had always been somewhat abusive.... mentally and emotionally. Sometimes she got physical. She's a narcissist. It's something I've realised this year. She's not diagnosed but we know she is. She tells my whole family who live in a different country as we're not from here originally, that I don't look after my son, don't clean in the house etc.... which I do! I look after my son, I clean etc. she has NO respect of my boundaries and never has. My family seem to be on her side... I only have her in the UK it's difficult as I'm super lonely. She will randomly come into mine and my sons room when he's crying and record without a warnin, so she can send the video to my family and they don't know the context so they have a go at me. But that's okay, nothing I can do about it.

In the place we moved from I lived for yeaaaars and I applied for a council house there, which I don't like the idea of being that kind of person but that's my current situation, and mothers abuse is getting worse and worse, it's really affecting me and how I look after my child. She doesn't work herself I guess she can't be bothered. But for me, I'd go back to the area I lived in previously (3hrs away from my ex still) but I don't have any friends since I've had a baby I lost loads, I have a few but they live far so I woudknt have any help. If I spoke to the council again I don't know if they'd let me move there... I'd be alone with my son and dog and that's really difficult because taking them out together can be a nightmare. And my dog staying with my mother.... she wouldn't look after him properly... as in he'd likely get 1 walk a day at like 1/2pm. I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely and it's hard to reason with my ex. My mother too but she's a narcissist so coming to an understanding is impossible like it always had been.
Can anyone relate or suggest anything I'd really appreciate? Besides a few friends who don't have kids and don't understand, and my best friend who does have a child but also lives far.... I don't have anyone.

OP posts:
brainstories568 · 27/10/2022 22:50

That sounds hard. I'm sorry.

Would your old council be able to put you in touch with the heath visiting team in preparation for your move? They would likely be able to tell you about council run stay and plays etc where you'd be able to meet people in similar positions to yourself who could then be potential friends etc? In my area there are children's centres which run a variety of activities for the community which are either completely free or for a small charge for those who can afford to pay, but there's no pressure. I went to something most weeks when I wasn't working and I have friends who still go from time to time.

You could also potentially find the details for the community/family/outreach team on the council website and either reach out to them directly or just turn up to one of their events when/if you move instead of going via the housing team. Use your son to your advantage to find friends as it's "easy" to talk about your child or even just talk to other people in playgrounds - that's how I met a lot of my "parent friends", particularly during lockdown.

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/11/2022 21:29

Sounds like you're having an incredibly difficult time @Pammy0

Have you spoken to Womensaid about the situation with your exP and have you logged the abuse with the Police?

Has anyone suggested doing the Freedom Programme to you? I think when you have an abusive Parent, unfortunately, it can be easy to fall into abusive relationships. Taking the Freedom Programme might help you to make better choices in your future relationships.

As for your future though, I think it might be worth asking in _Chat or Relationships for advice from other MNers on how they've managed to break free from an abusive relationship and build a better life for them and their DC.

Good luck OP Flowers

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