Should I have another baby?

[bronte83]

I have a 2 year old boy who we had via IVF, I was 37 when I had him and had a really good pregnancy. The birth wasn’t so good and he ended up in intensive care, I was also very poorly, but we got through it and he’s now happy and healthy! My husband really wants another baby, but I’m nearly 40 and nowhere near as fit and healthy as I was before and during my first pregnancy. Also I don’t have a huge urge to have another one like my husband does, however I really want my son to have a sibling. The thought of being pregnant and giving birth doesn’t appeal either! My son is going to nursery in September so I will be able to get a bit of me back, but if we have another, then it will be a few more years till I can go back to work etc. I love my son and I do the best I can for him, but sometimes I feel like I’m not a natural born mum and find it really hard and boring. I’m scared of so many things, pregnant and giving birth in my 40’s, coping with 2 children, I also have PCOS and endometriosis so the health implications of that. We would have the baby through IVF again, but time is passing and I need to make a decision. I honestly don’t know what to do and it’s making me spend my time in constant worry and uncertainty.

My grandma always tells me. "If in doubt, rule it out"
I live by this now! Pulled out of a house move because i knew deep down it wasn't right for me. Follow your gut with this one. Sounds as though you don't really want another baby and that is absolutely fine also. 😊

I think you need to unpack a bit. Your objections are:
Being unfit - you could always get fit again! That might be a good thing to do in any event
Pregnancy being hard - possibly, if your last was easy enough then this one might be too
Birth being hard - how likely is it that the issue with the last birth would happen again? You could schedule CS
Getting a bit of you time back - entirely valid
Finding motherhood hard and boring - also entirely valid
Giving birth in your 40s - tbh I'm not sure that 3 years would make a difference
PCOS and endometriosis - I don't know how this impacts pregnancy but sounds fair enough!

I think it's ok to say 'I theoretically would have liked two or more children had I started at age 30, but I had my first at age 37 and so I decided to stop at one'

It sounds like you're saying you'd like two but are not prepared to have the physical toll it would take on your body. It's your body, that's fair enough.

For what it's worth on the motherhood being hard and coping with two children, I have two and I think it's in many ways easier than having one. An only child can be a bit intense and requiring all your attention the whole time, whereas with two it's a bit more interesting because you get to observe their relationship and they play together a bit. Although obviously that varies and you do get siblings who hate each other and only children who are happy doing their own thing. But once you're past the baby stage where they're incompatible, I'm not sure that two are definitely harder work than one.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

You wouldnt have doubts if you really didn't want another child. So part of you is open to the idea

Kids ARE boring when they are so young op. They do get more fun. but they also get more difficult at the same time 😅

Ask yourself if you rather go to work sooner or rather have another child. Because it is a now or never kinda question. Good luck

I waited too long, also have PCOS and endo, and I regret it. Could you go back to work sooner? 2 years off work is nothing compared to family events in future, for me I think about my DC having siblings as adults, and to share stories when I'm old and things like that. Babyhood is such a small part of your family life, and indeed for your DC once you're old or gone.

If you are doing a FET then it's not as urgent, but I understand the time pressure.

From what you have written, no, you absolutely should not.

For what it's worth on the motherhood being hard and coping with two children, I have two and I think it's in many ways easier than having one. An only child can be a bit intense and requiring all your attention the whole time, whereas with two it's a bit more interesting because you get to observe their relationship and they play together a bit. Although obviously that varies and you do get siblings who hate each other and only children who are happy doing their own thing. But once you're past the baby stage where they're incompatible, I'm not sure that two are definitely harder work than one
totally agree and always say this.
if it was just the me time issue I would actually say you get more me time with two children than 1 once they are older. I now leave my husband to watch our two whilst I go to the gym, leave them downstairs to play whilst I do a chore- I don’t have that mum guilt of leaving 1 child to play alone, I don’t have to constantly schedule a play date. However, it does seem you have way more objections, and completely fair! If you’re content with 1 then I’d stick- being older increases the chances of medical issues/ multiples etc- I think you’d have to be firmly in favour to have more children in your 40s.

I have two, my second is still a young baby do don’t have a lot of experience. But the baby phase has so far been a hundred times easier the second time around. In terms of caring for the baby, feeling less bored (as I have a toddler to keep me company some of the time as well) and not feeling so shell shocked by becoming a mother. I would also consider whether you don’t want another baby, or you don’t want another child/adult child. The baby years don’t go on for long, but in the longer term you may regret having not had a second, if that’s what you wanted.

Having said all that, I think any and all your reasons are perfectly valid reasons not to have another. Your DS will be fine as an only child. Your DH’s view is less relevant than yours because he won’t be carrying the baby and giving birth, and it sounds like he won’t be doing all the heavy lifting once the baby is here.

Having two children is definitely easier than having one, especially if they are close in age. Not for the first year, but after that and as they grow up.
Personally, I like having a sibling - the only person who will be with me for the whole of my life - and I know my DDs do too.
I always feel a bit sorry for only children, not just when they are children, but when they are adults too.

Thanks all, I pretty much agree with everything everyone has said. I think being nearly 40 and pregnant is the main concern, but I was 37 and pregnant (so not that much younger) and had a really good, healthy positive pregnancy so there is no reason why I can’t again. I look at my little boy and deep down feel that having a sibling would be a wonderful thing for him and us, just have to get over the fear factor!