The loneliness of being the only 1 child mummy

[Gruffling]

Just found out DDs good friend's mum is having a 2nd DC and feeling a sense of grief. Anyone else ever feel isolated as the parent of an only?

I am sad for DD that she will not have a close friend who has the shared experience of being an only. Also sad for myself as really like the mum and it was nice to know another mum of an only. It doesn't help that I'm an older mum and where I live people generally have their children earlier.

I will get over it, but just for today I am taking a moment to feel this sadness and have come here in the hope of some empathy.

Are you sad because you wanted another child? Because I can't really see the difference otherwise...

I'm sorry you feel sad but I think you're putting your own feelings about this on your daughter. I was an only child and I never really thought about it. Some of my friends had siblings, some didn't.

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. If it helps, I'm am only child and in my view one thing us onlies don't always need as much is shared experiences. I really dont think your daughter will feel the loss in the way you anticipate. Sorry you're feeling sad.

Gruffling, I am also an only child, and my DD too is a only child. I try not to use the term "only" though - there is nothing "only" about a child who was much wanted, and is dearly loved. How old is your DD? I think you will find that as she she gets older she will make a number of friends - some will be single children, some will come from big families. The friendships will be just as good and rewarding. I think your sadness is more about you not having another child, for whatever reason. I was sad about that for a long time too. It's okay to be sad. Sending you a hug.

(In saying that our children were much wanted and dearly loved I am not for a second saying that children from larger families were not! I know they are :))

I'm another only child who has an only child. Growing up most of my friends had a sibling, but several went through such turbulent patches with them, or the age difference was so significant they weren't close, that I was quite content most of the time! Several expressed envy that I didn't have to put up with a brother/sister...

I get you - I sometimes feel that my experiences don't matter as much or are perceived to be less worthy because I've "only" done it once compared to everyone else's two or three times so I don't have anything to which to compare.

I also like having an "only child" mum friend (who is also very good friends with my child) as whilst they are our onlies for different reasons (her age/no dad in their life, me chemo) it is still nice to know someone who only has one and is happy but they'd preferred to have had more if they had the choice rather than only know people chatting about how their kids are so loving/caring towards their siblings and how it's soooo much harder when you have more than one. Which I am pretty sure I could work out without you telling me! 😀

I do kind of get it. I'm an only, and my oldest friend is also an only, and it was great for us. But my other also from childhood friends have siblings, and it's not a big deal at all.
It's OK to feel sad, but your daughter and her friendship will be just fine.

You are not on your own! I felt like this, thankfully less so now that my child is older and people have gone through the 2nd/3rd child stage.

I would have liked a couple of really close one child families (same gender as mine) but it’s not worked out that way which is a shame as no other children in the family near by.

Sending a hug 🤗

I get what you’re saying. The dynamics change when subsequent children come along. It changes how mothers of more than one relate to you, and it’s more intimidating for my child to join in play when the other kids have siblings.
itsnot a judgement, just how it is IME. And it’s ok to grieve the change in friendship, no matter how joyful you may be that another child is born x it’s also ok to grieve that you won’t be the one with a subsequent child xx

Do you not want another child? I can't really see what the problem is if you don't want another child you can hardly resent others that have them or worry about the effect on your child as that's your choice. If you wanted another then I understand that's difficult

I’m struggling a little with this too OP. I know onlies are becoming statistically more common, but we personally only know a couple, and neither family are happy with their one child - both are desperate for another but it’s not happening, so they definitely don’t see the only child experience as a positive one.

For many reasons one child is the right choice for us, and I’m still happy with our decision, but I do find that relationships with other mums harder now most of my friends have two (or more). When we meet up there are lots of snatched conversations between them about how hard it all is, how they have no time to themselves, how they can barely leave the house with two - and the implication seems to be that those of us who stuck at one have it easy and are coasting, or even cheating somehow. Families we know with baby/toddler siblings are all tied to naps and strict feeding/bedtime schedules, which means that we are very limited with play date options for DD at the moment.

Now DD is 4 we can go for pretty straightforward days out, are very flexible about schedules etc, can do foreign holidays fairly easily and so on - which for us was part of the calculation around having just one. We also have more disposable income, due to lower childcare costs etc. My friends can’t do any of this, but because 2+ children is still ‘the norm’ there’s this weird underlying vibe that they’re somehow doing things ‘right’ while I’m doing it ‘wrong’. Lots of discussions about how it’s all worth it to see their DC’s blossoming sibling relationship, and social media posts of siblings holding hands, which makes me feel sad for DD that she won’t have a sibling bond in her life - but at the same time I don’t feel that I can talk in a similar way about all the pluses of having just one.

I think that most of us still have a very strong urge to conform with the rest of the ‘herd’, and that ploughing any path that goes against societal norms can be quite difficult at times.

Hi OP. Same situation and I agree it’s extremely hard, particularly when I see siblings cuddling each other.

Of course an only child can have a wonderful childhood but I agree something important is missing and its painful (especially in holidays when everyone is off doing family stuff and no one is available to play with my child!)

I'm the mum of a single child - had 2 miscarriages and at 37 decided not to try again.

I think I understand how you are feeling.

I felt guilty for a good while because I hadn't given my son a sibling.

At the end of the day you don't have to justify yourself to anyone .... you're a mother 100% whether you have 1 child or 11.

💓

I'm a twin so I've always had a sister and I did it hard when I was the only one out of our friendship group who didn't have 2 kids out of 6 couples including us! It was hard coz they always talked about their experience of having 2 kids and my daughter was so well behaved I knew she'd make a brilliant big sister! Alot of the school mummy's I was friends with had 2 and were expecting a 3rd -i did have 1 close friend who only had 1 child and couldn't have any more but she didn't live close (our kids met at a toddler class and were quickly best friends but then they moved to the other side of the city but it helped that we met up with them every other week!) xx

I can relate to this, luckily there’s another ‘only’ in my daughter’s class so I don’t feel like the odd one out. I’m finding I have to make a lot of effort to ensure plenty of play dates and activities are in the diary. I’m naturally quite introverted so this doesn’t come naturally to me but I’m making myself do it so my daughter has lots of friends and opportunities.
A couple of years ago I was sat in a soft play and noticed my daughter was playing nicely with another girl her age. We then bumped into her again the following week. She was with a childminder who said she’d share the mum’s number (I appreciate this may have been awkward for her, nothing came of that) however when I asked the girl if she lived nearby she told me her exact address 🤦‍♀️ Anyway I pondered on this and thought what the hell, I’ll post a letter through to her mum explaining they’d met a couple of times and played together really well. She replied (said she nearly cried when she read it as found it really touching), her daughter is also an only and we’re now good friends 😊
It’s not easy and annoys me when people assume having one is easier, well in some ways it is, in others no it isn’t. There’s this constant pressure/worry/guilt your child is missing out on social interactions so you have to help them build a network. I live in hope this will get easier as she gets older plus there will be more only children in the future.

@TempsPerdu

Totally relate to this!