Raising a toddler with no friends or family

[Missrissy]

Hello all,

I am a little concerned about my 2 year old daughter. Basically in 2019 I moved from London to a much smaller coastal town to start a life with my partner. At first my friends were so excited that I was moving by the sea and were making plans to have 'awesome summers' with me, however since I've moved no one has visited. My parents and grandparents have all passed away, and any family or friends I have all live over 70 miles away.

My daughter has no friends and cries uncontrollably when anyone other than me or her dad are around her. She has a half sister that she sees every other weekend, but that's pretty much the only social time she has. I've tried to take her to local toddler clubs in hopes that she (and I) might make some friends. But I don't seem to gel with anyone around here. All the mum's I came across we're all well aquainted with eachother and we're just talking about their next botox/lash appointments or what's going on in Love Island - this is just not the type of thing that I'm into and I ended up feeling even more isolated.

My partner and I have never had any time alone as we have no one to look after her, and I am filled with anxiety as my daughter is due to start nursery in September but she has a meltdown if I just walk into the next room. I fear that this lack of socialisation will affect her personality for the rest of her life and I can't help but feel guilty. It also don't help that the first year or her life was in lockdown.

I don't drive either so I'm pretty much restricted to what's around locally, which isn't much. Is there anyone here that has been in a similar situation? Will this effect her later on in life?

Thank you in advance for any responses x

Not exactly the same but I’m an expat, none of my (few) friends (not proper friends tbh) have kids and tend to not do child friendly things so I don’t socialise that much anymore. Don’t have family here. Have no childcare options either, it’s me, DH or nursery for DD.

Separation anxiety is not abnormal at this age tbh. DD used to freak out when I left the room (also a COVID baby). Starting nursery it took 2 weeks to settle her in and then she was absolutely fine (loves it). I think because she goes 5 days a week, half days it really helped, it gave her some consistency.

Don’t forget a lot of kids will struggle, while many have big families etc they are all in the same position which is being left somewhere with strangers. DD settled better than a lot of the children of nationals (who do have big families and busy social lives). I do think its a personality thing as well but DD has always been very shy and quiet around people but going to nursery has had an immense impact on her confidence. she is now less hesitant and will barrel around softplay like a nutter (she’s usually one of the more physically assertive kids).

The difference a year makes is immense. She wouldn’t even look at anyone when she started, she used to look at the floor when anyone spoke to her and would let other kids take her toys, now she shouts “thats mine!” If anyone tries to take something she’s playing with. She used to start crying if there were other kids at the playground but now happily gets on with it.

I really wouldn’t worry but would strongly suggest staggered starts when she starts nursery so leave her for half an hour 1st day then an hour the next day and so on. COVID generally has an impact on kids but I think it evens out over time.

Keep going to the groups, even if you aren’t on the same wavelength as the other mums it’s a chance for your DD to be around other people in busy environments so she can cope with nursery. Don’t follow her around if she wanders off in a contained environment, let her explore, you may have to keep going and sit on a chair, over time she should start stepping further and further away from you, just watch and offer her an encouraging smile. (That was an instruction from DD’ excellent teacher).

Yes it is isolating and it’s hard when you don’t have anyone to even just be around. I definitely struggled but it does get better and hopefully your DD will come into her own.

Sorry that was long, but were in quite a similar situation so I get it. I worried immensely about DD, I worry a lot less now.

Rinatinabina thank you so much for your response, honestly it made me teary to know that there is someone else out there that has experienced a similar situation. Thanks for the advice

@Missrissy Are you by any chance in Sussex? If so PM me, I’m half an hour from the coast and have a daughter your age, would be happy to meet up (I’m also not remotely into Love Island or lash extensions)

Nursery will likely make a huge difference once she gets used to it, it’s well worth doing. I totally get how isolating it is to only have your toddler for company a lot of the time and not have any connections with other adults, although for me working part time while she’s at nursery has helped keep me sane.

Do you have a local ball pool you can start attending each week on a morning in before it gets too busy? What about a swimming class?

I did loads with DS things like this because I was always conscious of it just been him... and even now I am so I always make extra effort to do activities.

Try peanut, an app for meeting local mums

This is my experience as an expat too. It's quite hard being an expat with a child. Good luck to us all!!

Also my experience as an immigrant. Having absolutely nobody except your nuclear family can be incredibly difficult. I was constantly worrying that my dd had nobody who loved them but the two of us. Nobody to tell when they got a wobbly tooth.

My only advice is to keep going to different things to try and find some people who you do have things in common with. I treated it like dating American style. I'd talk to someone at swimming lessons and if I didn't feel as if it was going anywhere that would be it, if I did then I'd peruse the relationship.