Coming to terms with 'only 1 child'

[Greenginghamdress]

I have one DD who is 4.5. My partner wanted 2 close together but due to severe MH issues we didn't. I even had a termination when DD was about 18 months as I had underlying severe depression after post partum psychosis :(

I've felt ready in the last year for another, but after speaking to my partner he says, for him, it is too late and time has moved on.
We will be staying together, but I'm sad to be one and done.
I know it's probably the right decision as we both find being parents quite tough, like our own space and don't have a good support network. We love DD and she has lots of friends, hobbies, seems very happy and we are very close. She talks about a sibling sometimes and it makes me sad we won't be giving her one, plus all her friends have siblings.
People do ask me about if I'm going to have another- I even got asked if I was expecting the other day as I was at a pub and not drinking!

Any advice? How can I make peace with it?
Also how can I be a good mother to one child without feeling like I'm 'pushing her' too hard?

Thanks.

What do you mean when you say "pushing her too hard"? If anything I feel like most people could be better parents to fewer children as they have more time for each of them and also time out to recharge by having some kid free time.

@withsexypantsandasausagedog I mean pinning all my hopes on her. I don't do this-I don't think!- but aware it can happen with 1.

It sounds like you have very good reasons for not expanding your family. I think you should be kind and gentle with yourself, and feel some pride in being so self aware tbh, even though I can see it is a deep disappointment not to be able to have another so this may be a head / heart thing.
If your DD is asking for a sibling, would it be wise to explain - in ways she can understand - that this will not be happening? Perhaps that pregnancy made you very ill and sometimes it’s not safe for mummies to have more than one baby? And that you want to be healthy for her so you can have lots of fun together. And explain all the wonderful positives of having your undivided attention - but also plan lots of play dates so you don’t have to be king entertainer all the time! As for pinning all your hopes on her - being aware that you don’t want this to happen is surely the best way of guarding against this. That and ensuring all 3 of you have fun independent lives as well as lovely family time, so you’re not always bound up in each other?

It sounds like you will be great parents to one child.

Don't worry about pushing her too hard, if you are that sort of mum you would probably do it with two. The fact that you are aware will help.

Two isn't some miracle amount of children that means your kids will be better off. I completely agree with the previous poster that said some parents really should have stopped with one child, they are stressed, stretched, their marriage is suffering yet society thinks two is the norm. It's becoming less of the norm in the western world. More and more people are just having one and finding it the perfect balance of parenting and not being stressed. (Not to mention it's far better for the planet).

I always knew I would be a stressed mum to two, and a good mum to one. It worked for us.

There's a very helpful book Parenting your only child which will probably be helpful on both the areas you mention.

I had an only, she’s 25 now. She’s getting married soon and told me she and her fiancé are talking about only having one child. He’s an only child too.

There are so many advantages to only having one child, both to the parents and child, and the environment.

The only disadvantage to the child is really lack of a sibling for company. We dealt with this by always having an open house with friends. I went out of our way to make sure I arranged loads of play dates after school, at weekends and and holidays. We would take her friends on holiday with us and mostly pay. I would do more hosting and do more car pick ups and collections than the other mums, but it’s a small price to pay.

Dont forget, parenting isn’t only for when they’re young. We have been able to help our DD so much financially through university and buying a house. Yes, we often joke she’s our favourite child, all her life we have had the time and energy and finances to help her.

I don’t regret having an only child one bit, and neither does she.

Accept that you are a better parent to that one and have avoided the stress of a second child. You will have more free time to be a couple and more energy and enthusiasm to be a parent

If you're on Reddit join r/oneanddone great community for parents of one