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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Is one child enough?

50 replies

Gina97 · 18/05/2022 13:49

I have one wonderful son and although I often expect to have a second child, a large part of me just doesn't want more kids. I really love the simplicity of one child. One means being able to stay in my small home, having more time for him and myself, and let's face it, it's cheaper. There is no external pressure for me to have more kids but I'm concerned that either I or my child will feel incomplete with it being just the three of us. Looking for others to weigh in on their experience with only children versus 2+

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ILoveAllRainbowsx · 19/07/2022 09:05

I think one is plenty.

Just make sure that you have your affairs in order when you get older so that she does not have to care for you.

Favouritefruits · 19/07/2022 09:25

One is enough if you want it to be, some people like two others like a whole brood, there’s no right or wrong it’s personal choice.

ludocris · 19/07/2022 12:23

ErrolTheDragon · 19/07/2022 08:35

I often think deciding to have a child is a choice you make for yourself, deciding to have another is one you make for your existing child and to deliberately decide to be one and done is a choice I'd never make

I think that reasoning is bollocks tbh. Up to you what you do, but you've no idea about other peoples reasoning. Hmm

Having one child is entirely normal and needs no justification whatever. Lots of DDs classmates at primary were onlies, about half iirc. DDs view was that she preferred having a dog to a sibling.Grin

I agree. What riled me about the above comment is that it basically says 'having one child is selfish. Having two is selfless'. It's ridiculous.

Perhaps I should flip it and say yes - having a second child is for your first child - to keep them entertained so you don't have to do it yourself!

kikisparks · 19/07/2022 12:44

Your second child isn’t a gift to give to your first child, they should be wanted in their own right.

We’re one and done and DD is absolutely enough.

bloomflower · 19/07/2022 12:46

I think it totally depends on the child! I have one and he's very happy being an only child. I don't think it would benefit him to have me even more divided among other kids necessarily. And the extra work for you too!

Felixsmama · 22/07/2022 16:13

I could have more I'm 29 but my DD is 9 YO she has no interest in a new sibling. My career is taking off , I do have moments when I feel broody my best friend is pregnant our existing children have the same age gap so I sometimes ponder what if ? . Im far too selfish for two children though I don't think I would be a good parent to two.

Felixsmama · 22/07/2022 16:18

I think if we had another her quality of life would suffer she's going to PGL camp for the summer for a week where she will meet new friends. She has friends who live behind us. I try to make sure she isn't lonely but it's hard as me and her father are introverted whereas she's very the opposite but then you can't choose the personality of your new child. A second might be like us !

Mumtumtastic · 22/07/2022 16:52

Absolutely nothing wrong with having one, many many people do it for many different reasons.

We chose to have another, mostly because DH and I are from 2 child upbringings and have happy enduring memories of playing and having ‘best friend’ in our (older) sibling. Mum and dad didn’t always have the time and energy to play (understandably!), but could always play endless games and invent little worlds with our sibling. Adolescence does alter this and I do remember being crushing heartbroken when my older sibling was no longer interested in childish play, but we did re-bond a couple of years later when I also entered teen years and we could joke and find fun in more grown up stuff. I rarely get to see my sibling, but love them v v dearly - I know this is not always the case though, good and supportive sibling relationships are not a given.

I also saw the heartbreak my MiL went through at the loss of both her parents (not at once, but decade+ apart) she was an only child. DH and I helped where we could but the weight of worry, complex care needs , failing health etc fell on her in the main, she was single so no partner for support. My own DM went through similar but was able to share responsibility with her sibling, which helped a lot. So your own elder years and impact on child/ children this would have also featured in our thinking re family.

MolliciousIntent · 22/07/2022 16:55

It wasn't for us, but DH had a very lonely childhood as a singleton and is now shouldering the burden of ageing parents alone, so he was never going to want history to repeat itself. My sister is my best friend, so I was always going to want a sibling for DD. It was a personal decision informed by our own experiences of childhood, not an objective value decision.

12DS · 23/07/2022 19:46

Having second child was major mistake for us. If you are sure it’s what you and your partner wants then go for it. From my conversations allot of men feel pressured into it. If it’s something he brings up then happy days. If it’s you bringing it up all the time then it’s a problem. Mens fault for not pushing back, but still an important factor to consider

AnnaMagnani · 23/07/2022 20:00

I'm an only and it was and is, brilliant.

Never wanted a sibling. Yes I got bored but children learn by being bored, it's an important skill. And now as an adult married to someone with siblings, I'm not jealous - they spend all their time falling out!

I found it very hard when my DF died and then my DM was ill - everything fell on me. However I've had the chance to compare with when FIL was ill and died - every sibling had an opinion, all different, everyone treading on eggshells. Honestly, it was better being on my own with my parents just sorting it ourselves, yes it was intense but the drama wasn't there.

Beware of idiot adults telling your child they must be spoilt. I've seen plenty of siblings that are spoilt, nothing to do with being an only. It got very tedious as a child.

GelatoQueen · 23/07/2022 20:08

My 'only' (age 9) is extremely confident and sociable. I think this is partly because he doesn't have the comfort of siblings to rely on and he has to face situations alone. So he's very resilient and does not need to follow the crowd. Alternatively lockdown was hard and I have to ensure he has opportunities to be with other children so a bit of arranging always needed but I try to make our home as welcoming as possible so he feels OK bringing friends round

lightand · 23/07/2022 20:11

I know one grown up man of about 28 who is perfectly happy at being an only.

I know another grown up girl of about 30 who is quite livid with her parents for not giving her a sibling. She had been telling them since about the age of 7 onwards that she wanted a sibling and she never changed her mind.

Not sure that all helps tbh.

Spottybutterfly · 23/07/2022 21:29

I hated being a only child, and always felt lonely.

However I'm really struggling with what to do. My first isn't here yet, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have had a tough time. Been nauseous every day, dizzy most days. Was vomiting until 25+ weeks and since week 33 the vomiting a few times a day is back. I had pulled ribs put me out of action for 3 weeks. I have a bad back. PGP and caught covid a few weeks ago.

I just don't think I could do it again. Also there is no guarantee it won't be worse. Plus I'd have a toddler to look after (I'm 38 so it's not like we can have a big gap).

My husband is happy either way, he is 1 of 4 brothers.

queenspark12 · 27/07/2022 10:40

Wise words, this is a situation that needs a wholehearted ‘yes’ from both would-be parents.

I speak as a former ‘band aid’ baby wanted by my mother and grudgingly agreed to by my father, anything for a quiet life etc. The resulting divorce and my upbringing were very unpleasant experiences.

queenspark12 · 27/07/2022 10:40

@12DS

whoruntheworldgirls · 27/07/2022 10:50

1 is absolutely enough if you feel it is for your family.
I have 1, she's nearly 6, can happily entertain herself, is very social, makes friends very easily. She's rarely bored as will go off and make up games, play with toys. She's never lonely, has loads of friends so has regular play dates. She is adamant she doesn't want a sibling.
I hated my brother growing up, maybe that's part of my decision to stick at 1, that plus our life is easy with 1

Grissini50 · 27/07/2022 10:53

I have one 7 year old only. She is very sociable (unlike DH and I) and makes friends wherever she goes. We also have her friends around a lot (a lot of them are also onlies - it seems to be quite common now), and we are going on holiday with family this year so she will have 5 cousins there. She goes to a lot of clubs and holiday camps, kids club on holiday...but to be honest she'll make friends on a trip to the park. She made a big gang of friends on holiday in cornwall at may half term (campsite). So we make an effort to make sure she is entertained/ has company. Lockdown 1 was OK as she was in reception and was just delighted to have parental attention all day long. Lockdown 2 was harder but we did lots of facetiming friends. She'd really struggle with it now I think, so I'm glad she wasn't any older. But she is absolutely enough. And she hasn't ever asked for siblings.

HappyHappyHermit · 27/07/2022 10:54

Loads of siblings never get on and never support each other so that in itself is not a good enough reason to have a second child. If you just wanted 2 or more then that would be different. I was an only and loved it, my imagination and ability to enjoy alone time is brilliant and I can see my dd is following in my footsteps. I also think that generally as a 3 we are closer than we would be if we were 4. We will also be able to provide and help her more in the future than we would if we had 2. Really it just matters what you want and it sounds like you actually just want 1.

Burnt0range · 27/07/2022 10:59

We have one child. He is now a lovely 14 year old. However, I have never seen a child yearn for a sibling like my son has/does. Unfortunately, PCOS meant that I have never been able to conceive again. We recently have had signs that my fertility is returning due to dramatic weight loss. My son is not letting up and still regularly asks if he can have a sibling! We hope and pray that one day, we can give him one.

It's incredibly difficult to see how an only child copes as an only until they're older. Some love it, some don't. I was 1 of 5 children and never wanted a big family, but seeing my son struggle through this has really changed my perspective.

PermanentlyTired03 · 27/07/2022 11:17

I often wonder the same thing. I have a DD, and the idea of another is sometimes lovely and sometimes a "hell no" depending on the day. I have a brother and we are close, and DH was an only child and said how rubbish it was. Although tbh growing up in the 80s/90s everyone was bored regardless of siblings!

Titsflyingsouth · 27/07/2022 11:34

We are a one-child family. It wasn't necessarily planned that way but it's how it worked out. I think only children can be happy and well-adjusted but it does mean putting in extra effort to ensure they have adequate opportunities to socialise with other kids - especially after the isolation of Covid. Term-time we usually go to the local playpark after school and go to swimming club on Saturday.

Holidays take more planning, I we've got 3 play dates in the diary for this week and DS is going to a music and arts summer school next week. And there are days when you have to be your child's playmate. I still spend a lot of time on the carpet playing games with my son.

Hopeful199 · 04/03/2023 22:24

I am an only and have always always hated it. I used to pray for a baby brother or sister as a child and the feeling has never left me.

my parents separated and it was all very messy and not a fun time anyway, but going through all life’s tribulations on my own has just felt so lonely. I am considered a confident extroverted person, but really, being an only child has left me with a deep sense of loneliness, quite needy on friendships and constantly trying to create the family through friends that I never had of my own.

I have 2 children and desperately wanted more but infertility hindered my plans. But seeing them together, how much they play, and laugh and truly enjoy one another, I know that no matter what, they will always have what I just have always felt I missed.

my mum did fall pregnant when I was 10 but sadly had a late miscarriage. Maybe getting so close to having a sibling has made it worse somehow?!

I never expect them to play with each other ‘because I can’t be bothered’….. I absolutely love spending with time with them. But what they have with each other is special on another level; even though they are so so different.

So from my experience, I would never have or want 1. But I always wanted an even bigger family than I have and maybe if I had have been a happy only myself, I would feel differently.

I wish you well with whatever you decide OP

12DS · 05/03/2023 14:15

its a mistake to just view it through the child’s perspective. If you have any doubts as importantly think your partner does- stick with one. It only gets harder after the second child arrives so both need to be 100% convinced

peonybeau · 06/03/2023 18:29

Full disclosure, I'm an only child but did not choose to have an only.

With time and maturity I've come to see there are massive benefits to being an only, but also some drawbacks. Those benefits and drawbacks I think are more heightened than other family sizes. Here's my 2 cents.

Most families with only children have a calmer family life, as mentioned by several posters. Of course there are exceptions, but on the whole it's true. There aren't sibling squabbles, only children are more adapt at entertaining themselves and benefit enormously maturity wise from more adult environments. While I didn't choose to have an only, we have close friends and family that do and like my experience their children ranging in ages from 5-11 are well adjusted, intelligent, gentle and well rounded. They have some wonderful added benefits including for some private school education, devoted parent and grandparents time/attention and certainly don't need any to pity them. The only other families I've seen with this same sort of benefit/dynamic are families with large age gap and only 2 children where in a way there's a sibling but due to large age gap the needs are very different. For example siblings that are 7+ years apart. There are studies about the cognitive benefits of being an only child and I think they hold true.

The drawbacks of being an only child are that you can end up isolated and no amount of friendships may change that. For example, my three closest girlfriends all have 2 sisters they are very close to. Once they were past the annoying sibling part of life, they developed very deep bonds and have chosen to live near one another, holiday together as families, have weekends away and be one another's closest supports. Of course that doesn't hold true for all siblings, and there are terrible siblings out there whose sibling relationships probably bring more strife than happiness. But with a sibling you have a chance of the longest relationship of your life, someone to share in your joys and hardships, someone who you can support and who can support you. Most siblings identify with having a good relationship at least and that's different to friendships. Friendships can be far more transient and you are far more likely to lose touch with a friend than a sibling. Again it doesn't mean that doesn't happen, but statistically. In addition as parents age and die, a sibling gives you that link to the family you were born into and raised by. Without a sibling that is gone.

A lot of people also say their only children can get their role as aunt/uncle/sibling from the family they marry into with SIL's, BI's and nieces and nephews. But you can't guarantee that. They may marry into a family where there's been early death, or another only, or the adult sibling of their partner has SEN. One of my friends who has an only always planned to and ended up marrying into a family where he'd already lost both his parents by age 20, as well as a sibling. He has one sibling who has SEN and is more like a toddler. Their child has no aunts/uncles/cousins and one set of elderly grandparents. Another friend never met anyone and had a child on their own. Their child has 2 family members - a parent and one surviving grandparent who likely won't live another 5 years. Finally another with an only assumed their siblings would raise their children as close to their only who arrived after a decade of infertility. Instead because their siblings each had 3 and ended up living near inlaws who have multiple adult children with lots of cousins, while my friend is close to her two siblings and they and speak weekly, their daughter has not had the benefit of close cousins. They live about a 5 hour drive apart and see each other no more than twice yearly for a day.

I don't judge anyone for having an only, nor should anyone have a child begrudgingly for the child they already have. Only children families are just as much a family as families with more dc. I can't stand the idea that it is the second child that makes you a proper family. I'd go as far as to say that many families would be better off in terms of not only money but also capacity, mental health and relationships if they only had one. But it's never a surprise to me that only children are more likely to have larger families than people who are raised as one of two or three kids.

For me I always knew if I had kids the minimum would be three. I have no doubt that was shaped by my experience of being an only child. An experience that brought lots of privileges but also a loss of something that neither money nor time could buy.

Good luck!

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