Another do I / don't I - second child!

[lisalou1401]

We've always been adamant for one child. We have the most amazing daughter who is 6.5 she wants for nothing (which probably isn't always a good thing) loves playing and being with friends and generally we all love our little team of 3.

However recently I can't stop thinking about a second. More the fact I am much wiser and more mature now and be 10000 times more chilled a second time around! I love DD would be an amazing big sister but I'm also worried her life would be impacted. And I'm not sure on the 7 ish year age gap as it's not like they'll have things in common.

I know no one can answer this. I'm worried I'll regret never trying but also worried I'll have a second and regret it and not love him / her as much 😂😂 (silly I know!)

We're going on a dream holiday this year so defo want that out the way first. But so stuck!!

Nit quite the same but I just had my third. My eldest was 2 when my second was born so he didn't care too much. Was just about to turn 7 when number 3 was born and the baby has totally melted his heart. He adores her and can do little jobs for me like play with her for a few minutes so I can have a cup of tea, or go and get me a nappy etc. So the age thing is great actually!

When I was pregnant with my second I also worried if I would love another like I did my son. However, I was besotted with number 2 at once, but what really struck me was how addictive and fascinated I was about how mine and my husband's genes mixed in a different way than the first time. I was still in the hospital when I asked the midwife when I could try for number 3, as I found it even more amazing than when I had my first!

I was an only child until I was 8. Yes there was something of a small gap but I remember my sibling being the best thing that ever happened to me. We aren't really close now but I'm still glad I have a sibling and wish I had more tbh!

Thank you so much for your reply. That's so lovely. I know for a fact DD would be the same she's so gentle and caring and good. She'd love being a big sister. But I'm also worried she'd be upset / jealous that her life would be different and she would share me and hubby. I would love to experience it all again now we're both older and know what we're doing. Plus we're both only children so there are no real cousins, I think a sibling would be good. ( but no guarantee they'd get on!)
I really live your story. I have heard going from 2-3 is harder than 1-2!

Why do you regret having a second child?

Oh no really!!! That's so sad. I hope you feel better about it all soon. There are lots of pros and cons.

I have heard such a big age gap would be like raising two only children? I can't speak from experience but have seen other posters say so (from experience). But then again previous poster is still grateful they have a sibling. I guess you just can't know!

No it's one of those things really isn't it! No definite answer you just have to go for it or not at all.

I was an only child until I was 7 and was desperate for a sister. I did get one and was delighted but I could never play/hang out with her because we were always at totally different life stages. As adults we do get on and meet up though. Has your dd expressed a wish for a sibling?

She is 50/50! Sometimes she says yes then sometimes she says no I don't want one. Altho I think if we did she'd demand have a girl not a boy haha

I don’t know, my only is now nine and I can’t imagine juggling her needs and a two or three year olds. I’m sure others do, but they seem so different in their stages of life, that it would be hard to balance days out/holidays. You say she would be an amazing big sister, but what if she wasn’t? What if she didn’t particularly care much for a younger kid? Are you ok with her not being interested or bothered? There was seven years between my sisters but I am in the middle and close to both of them, whereas they are not close to each other. One was out the house when the other was about 11.

i like life with an only. I have zero regrets not bringing another kid into our life, and the older she gets the firmer I am in that decision, but only you know if that suits your family.

I have an almost 8 year age gap between my two. There are definitely pros, eldest was able to help, they have a lovely bond. A bit of a con at the minute is finding days out, activities etc that aren't too 'old' for the little one (currently 2.5) or too 'young' for the big one (now 10). Not that you can chose, but I do think having two the same gender has helped (I have two girls).

There's 8 years between me and my sister and five between me and my brother (I'm the youngest). I did not have a positive experience growing up with two such older siblings, but that's because they're both autistic and so were incredibly hard to live with. Wouldn't want to project my experiences onto yours.
If she's a caring, kind-natured child, the natural assumption would be that they would get on fine.

@lisalou1401 this might sound a bit cold, but I think it's OK for children to know that there are other people that their parents also love very much. I remember overhearing my parents making comments that was jealous or wanted attention because of the new baby. I was always furious because it was not true: I adored him and felt it was right that was fussed over, as he was so adorable! Looking back, a lot of my normal developmental behaviour was attributed to jealousy or sibling rivalry and just know this wasn't the case at all.

My second child is 4 and she seemed to get a bit withdrawn right after having the baby but we made time for her and were very emotionally available for her. It passed quickly and I feel that the wobble she had will be worth it for her to have a little sister.

Going from 2-3 was harder in some ways but mostly only because my older 2 constantly ask questions, make a mess, and keep losing things I buy them but I love the chaos and would have more if I could bypass childbirth (so won't!).

We were in the same position as you really - we had got into a 'good' place with our four year old daughter - particularly learning to overcome/love with my post natal depression - went on a couple of lovely holidays and said how nice this all was. Then the doubt starting to creep in.... did we want another?!

We had another. And personally - we are so so pleased that we did. We had another girl and my eldest has been besotted since day one. She is the best big sister and the two of them adore each other. The eldest is 6.5 now and youngest has just turned 20 months.

I absolutely hated the baby stage with my first but I now miss it with my second - it was so much easier second time round for us. The toddler stage is a little trying of course but big sister helps with that! For some reason if I ask the little one to take shoes off/ eat her dinner she flat out refuses but she'll do anything big sister asks!

Its so hard to know what to do isn't it. Nobody can give you the answer - just give you the benefit of their experience. Someone said to me 'if you were told tomorrow you couldn't have anymore children how would you feel' and I knew then that I wanted another. I sometimes wonder fleetingly about a third but never seriously. I feel very lucky to have my two but my second pregnancy wasn't without its complications and I'm blessed with my lot.

Go for it OP. 7ish years is a big age gap but later on in adult life it will seem like nothing. Technically you don't get many childhood years... its the adulthood that's what is important for me personally. If I could of had my time again I would of done it again and had no2. Now my DS is 7 and I'm single.

Thank you, that's great advice x

It does go so quick!

Thank you!!

There is a 7 year gap between my mum and her sister. They are incredibly close, speak daily and meet up at least once a week. We lost my nan (their mum) 5 years ago and they did a joint eulogy, holding hands. I wouldn't worry about an age gap - there are advantages and disadvantages to every gap.

My sister has a 6 year gap between her son and daughter (now adults). As kids she and her husband did tend to split their time, he'd do activities with his son and she her daughter given there was very little common ground. The siblings aren't particularly close as adults.

I have 5 years between my two girls, at first I was like oh what have I done but now it's great. No regrets! I did spend the whole pregnancy in turmoil that I'd made a huge mistake and my eldest would resent the new baby but was all ok in the end.

My mum is 11 years younger than her sister and they get on brilliantly as adults!

If the age gap is your only concern then I definitely wouldn’t let that put you off. I think it’s more about whether you actually want another child, can afford it and are happy to go through the baby, toddler etc stages all over again.

If you want anther child go for it
if it’s to give your child a sibling I wouldn’t due to the age gap- my personal opinion is it would be like raising 2 only children

Having second child was major mistake for us. If you are sure it’s what you and your partner wants then go for it. From my conversations allot of men feel pressured into it. If it’s something he brings up then happy days. If it’s you bringing it up all the time then it’s a problem. Mens fault for not pushing back, but still an important factor to consider.