Second baby

[bellaboo90]

I have a dilemma and would love to hear from people who are/have been in the same situation. I'd also like to hear peoples thoughts in general.

My husband and I have 1 DD. She has just turned 3. I want another, he doesn't. He is very set on this and unlikely to change his mind.

I understand his reasons. We have a great life. A second baby would mean we'd have to move house and probably area too as I don't believe we could afford a bigger house here (and unable to extend our house). We'd have to move to an area not as nice as ours. We'd be worse off financially. We also have no support. I can't deny it has been tough having nobody to help. Life is starting to become a bit more "normal" again as DD is getting easier and childcare funding is just around the corner. My husband feels that a second baby could jeopardise our happiness, and that we can provide a much better life for our daughter if she is our only child.

I just have so much guilt about it. I know there is no guarantee of siblings getting along but I worry that she will feel lonely both as a child and as an adult. I am close to my siblings and I can't help but imagine her being lonely at Christmas etc or when she needs somebody to rely on (when we're not around). She may feel left out compared to others or resentful. Recently she was role playing pretending to be a "sister" and broke my heart.

Friends of mine have started having their second children/becoming pregnant with their second and it's making me feel so sad. I can't seem to come terms with never being pregnant or having a baby again. It's really getting to me the older I get (I'm 34) and as DD gets older.

I really don't think my husband will change his mind (he's started to get grumpy with me bringing it up yet again) and it's not something I want to end our relationship over. I guess I just have to accept it and move on? I can't force him to have another child. It would be so wrong to bring a baby in to the world that isn't completely wanted. I worry that I will always resent him for it though....

What's a girl to do? Are there any one-child families out there that could make me feel better about this situation?

Thanks x

[AlexaShutUp]

My dd is an only child. She is 16 now and has never wanted a sibling. She isn't lonely, she is close to us and has tons of friends.

[bellaboo90]

That's reassuring to hear. Thank you

[MadamMaltesers]

Hi,

I'm not usually one to reply to msgs on mn prefer to just read. But I just had to reply to your thread. I know everyone has their own reason for wanting or not wanting a 2nd and I totally respect that. I also have 1 child who is 7 this year and ever since she was about 3 or 4 I've really felt the impact it has had on her being an only child. The biggest impact I have noticed is her social skills especially with the pandemic and not having children to socialise with much. Another thing is although I spend as much time as I can with her, she much prefers to spend time with her cousins. When we return home from her cousins she say that she's bored and wants siblings which breaks my heart. With me the issue is although I have been trying for 4 years to give her siblings it just wasn't meant to be after repeat miscarriages. Coming from a very large family I absolutely loved being around my siblings and experiencing my childhood with them and have many fond memories. I just want to say that yes life would probably be a bit of a struggle at first, but after a while you learn to adjust and cope somehow. Whatever decision you make I personally believe that in the long run having that 2nd child would be worth every sacrifice.

[Aquamarine1029]

I am a 49 year old only child, I have never wanted a sibling, I have never been lonely, and I had an absolutely brilliant childhood. You are projecting a load of rubbish onto your child. I have been sick to death of all the "poor only child" nonsense that's bandied about. They're lonely, they're spoilt, they're clingy, they aren't independent, and on and on. It's ridiculous.

[AlexaShutUp]

@MadamMaltesers

Hi,

I'm not usually one to reply to msgs on mn prefer to just read. But I just had to reply to your thread. I know everyone has their own reason for wanting or not wanting a 2nd and I totally respect that. I also have 1 child who is 7 this year and ever since she was about 3 or 4 I've really felt the impact it has had on her being an only child. The biggest impact I have noticed is her social skills especially with the pandemic and not having children to socialise with much. Another thing is although I spend as much time as I can with her, she much prefers to spend time with her cousins. When we return home from her cousins she say that she's bored and wants siblings which breaks my heart. With me the issue is although I have been trying for 4 years to give her siblings it just wasn't meant to be after repeat miscarriages. Coming from a very large family I absolutely loved being around my siblings and experiencing my childhood with them and have many fond memories. I just want to say that yes life would probably be a bit of a struggle at first, but after a while you learn to adjust and cope somehow. Whatever decision you make I personally believe that in the long run having that 2nd child would be worth every sacrifice.

I guess we all have different experiences, don't we? My dd wasn't an only child by choice, but due to secondary infertility. I always thought I would have two, but it wasn't meant to be. However, I am now immensely grateful for only having one, and wouldn't change it even if I could.

Struggling with social skills isn't inevitable for only children, any more than having siblings is any guarantee that they won't struggle in this area. DD has always been far more gifted socially than I ever was, despite my having an older sister. I think it's just that, if an only child struggles socially, it tends to get put down to their only child status, whereas it tends to be ascribed to other causes when a child with siblings struggles.

It also isn't inevitable that they will wish for a sibling. DD has many friends with siblings, and she knows that sometimes they get on and sometimes they don't. She has always said that she doesn't miss what she doesn't know. She is naturally very extroverted and loves to be around people, but she is perfectly happy hanging out with me and DH as well - in fact, she is closer to us than most of her friends are to their siblings.

I struggled a lot with the situation in the early years, and felt that she was missing out, but as she has grown up, I have seen so many more advantages of only having one. She had had opportunities that we couldn't possibly have given her if we had had more kids, and parenting has been such an easy journey for us with only one dc... the lives of parents with multiple children often strike me as much more stressful. And while I used to worry about her being alone to cope with our old age etc, I have stopped worrying about that too, as I am dealing with my parents' care alone despite having a sister. There are never any guarantees!

Honestly, DD is so happy and confident, I couldn't ask for more. I wish I had known this years ago, as it would have saved me so much heartache!

[AlexaShutUp]

That was meant to say that she is close to us than most of her friends are to their parents!

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

We will likely be a one child family but our child is still a baby and we aren’t rushing to any decisions.

However. I have half siblings on my dad’s side but none on my mum’s and spent 90% of my time with my mum, so I see myself more of an only child. I do remember wishing for siblings when I was younger but honestly it only started when my dad got remarried and with hindsight now, I don’t know if that’s because people were saying about me having a little brother or sister soon. My brother was born when I was 7 and mostly I remember him being allowed to play with my barbies and ruin them. I’d just reached an age where I was keeping my toys in a good state and he ruined a lot of them. I also wasn’t allowed to play with polly pockets, which were my favourite toy (and my barbies weren’t allowed shoes) because of the baby. I have another sibling on that side and my teen memories are seeing my dad and spending the day doing a bunch of stuff for my siblings - parties, soft play. Some of this is obviously down to being the step-kid but I didn’t relish having siblings. As adults, I like my siblings but we aren’t that close. I’m not going to lean on them on times of stress. I have a number of friends that I would turn to. I was never lonely at my mum’s and don’t remember wishing for a sibling at my mum’s. I did feel lonely at my dad’s.

My DH and his brother don’t get along. They never have. They’ve never played together, they’ve always had competing interests. It has always been a case of his parents picking something for one of them to enjoy (or neither). As adults, they aren’t close and will never be close. Actually we’re both really pissed off with his brother (there is something that happened recently but honestly it’s more like a series of building incidents and everything adds to that now) and their relationship is fragile. The only way he’d spend Christmas Day with his brother is if they were both at their parents. His parents aren’t interested in having us for Christmas and even if DH wasn’t married, he’d still pick so many other things to do on Christmas Day rather than spend it with his brother. He isn’t going to rely or lean on his brother during times of stress. During stressful times, his brother is more than likely going to be an additional stressor. When FIL had a heart attack, we were ringing both MIL and FIL nightly, MIL late into the evening to give her company. About a week into FIL’s hospital stay, BIL texted DH telling him his dad had had a heart attack and “he should really talk to mum, you know she worries”. It really irritated DH because we’d been doing that for a week already, without being prompted by his brother but he likes to appear to be the better person. Rather than just worrying about his parents, DH also then had his brother and fake concern for other people and his passive aggressive bullshit which means he’d been told by FIL to ring his mum and decided he couldn’t be the bad guy. Our life is more complicated because DH has a sibling and I don’t think our child will have a great relationship with their cousin.

The relationship we have with DH’s brother is one of the reasons we think we will only have one child. There are practical reasons too which are similar to yours but DH just doesn’t want to recreate a sibling relationship. He’s more firmly one child than I am and that has been his view since before we had our child. We both see family as those not necessarily related to you by blood but those that are there for you.

[bellaboo90]

Thanks for the responses. All really interesting to read. I appreciate you taking the time to post.

Aquamarine, projecting rubbish onto my child isn't the case at all. Your response is rather aggressive and defensive. You're obviously sensitive about the only-child stereotype which is another thing that has crossed my mind. I've not said anything about only children being spoilt of clingy. I don't believe that to be the case at all. Quite the opposite in fact. However, as somebody very close to their siblings both in childhood and adulthood, worrying that my daughter may feel a sense of loneliness without those relationships is a fair concern.

[houseargh]

Apologies if someone already said this. Not an only child here but I really don't get on with my sibling - we fought bitterly as kids and have next to no relationship as adults, for a variety of reasons partly including his difficult personality. So don't assume that your DD would benefit from a sibling in the way you did. I suspect your experience of siblings is more common than mine, but I think there are also a lot of people out there who would describe their feelings about having a sibling as 'meh.' I don't think this risk is a reason not to have a second but I also don't think you should be suffering feelings of guilt based on the assumption they'd be close, because they really might not be.

[doingitforthegirls]

It's very hard when you aren't on the same page with your husband about children - what did you discuss before getting together? Personally I would never have been deliberately "one and done" so if my now husband had been then I would have considered it a relationship breaker.

If finances are his only issue with having another child who earns the money? Personally I think if it's the woman who wants more children and expects the father to bear the brunt financially then she needs to step up - work full time if previously part time - work at all if previously a STAHM etc - we can't expect to have what we want and him pay for it? Sacrifices/compromises have to be made?

FWIW I'm the main earner by a very long way. If I want more children in the future then financially my decision bears much more weight than his. That's just how it is.

[bellaboo90]

@doingitforthegirls

It's very hard when you aren't on the same page with your husband about children - what did you discuss before getting together? Personally I would never have been deliberately "one and done" so if my now husband had been then I would have considered it a relationship breaker.

If finances are his only issue with having another child who earns the money? Personally I think if it's the woman who wants more children and expects the father to bear the brunt financially then she needs to step up - work full time if previously part time - work at all if previously a STAHM etc - we can't expect to have what we want and him pay for it? Sacrifices/compromises have to be made?

FWIW I'm the main earner by a very long way. If I want more children in the future then financially my decision bears much more weight than his. That's just how it is.

Totally agree on the financials. I work and have a job that pays more than his, however his work isn't able to be flexible so I've gone part-time for now. I bring home a decent salary though!

Thanks again all for your posts. It's great talking to others about it and hearing your experiences etc :)

[Scottishgirl85]

Have a really long and hard think about this. This could eat away at you for the rest of your life. You are already resenting him and I'm worried for you that this resentment will always be there. What if resentment eventually leads to a marriage breakdown, but then you're too old to meet and have children with someone else? Sorry to be so doom and gloom but you only live once and you don't want to have any regrets.

[Ginger1982]

I'm an only child and I have an only child, though not by choice (secondary infertility). I don't remember ever being lonely as a child. I had lots of friends, enjoyed my own company and was very creative. It's only really since having my own child that I've wondered what it might have been like to have a sibling.

There are huge positives to having one child, some of which you've mentioned. Money is one factor, hobbies and holidays, time to devote to one child and to yourself is another. Family are more readily willing to babysit one child, it's easier to go places with only one in tow and I enjoy working full time. We are very happy.

But in my situation, DH and I are on the same page as we've tried and can't have any more. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I was capable of having more and he was saying no. I think you need to work out if it's a dealbreaker for you.

[12DS]

Having second child was major mistake for us. If you are sure it’s what you and your partner wants then go for it. From my conversations allot of men feel pressured into it. If it’s something he brings up then happy days. If it’s you bringing it up all the time then it’s a problem. Mens fault for not pushing back, but still an important factor to consider

[Michelle292]

@12DS hi all, not sure if anyone's left on this thread but here goes. 12DS can I ask why it was a major mistake for your relationship please? Not sure myself about having a second (regardless if possible or not) but so unsure.. have 1 DD and absolutely adore her shes now 2 and brings so much joy and is a good little girl. After a terrible birth I said no way ever again, but lately feel I am more open to it but as I said still unsure so interested in hearing other people's stories (good and bad) financially and house wise we would be ok, but nervous if mentally would cope, husband works seriously long hours which is non negotiable - has always been this way so I have accepted this. I spent my previous pregnancy worried about what could be wrong with my unborn in regards with chromosomal issues etc the list went on in my head!! Anyway I have Said If I were to become pregnant again that i would have the harmony test and possibly amniocentesis done for either confirmation or peace of mind. Sorry for going on and on but sometimes others opinions can be helpful for such an unsure person!! tia

[Sparkles715]

I was in your situation once. I accepted DC being an only. Then we had a genuine surprise pregnancy and now have two children with a 5 year age gap. DC2 is a joy in lots of ways but their arrival has changed DC1’s life in some negative ways too. DC1 was used to all of our time, attention and money. All three of those things are tricker now. DC2 has been a high needs baby so time for DC1 with me has been restricted meaning they are much closer to their dad now. Lovely in some ways but I am a little sad at how our relationship has changed. I just hope that the sibling relationship makes up for it in some way. Perhaps your husband will eventually agree, perhaps not but there is something wonderful about having an only. That’s what I held on to in the years I wanted another baby and my husband did not.