Feeling ridden with guilt

[Shabbysheeque]

I have one DD who is nearly 8. I was in a relationship with her father for 12 years and after we had DD I was settled on only having 1 child. It was a very unhappy toxic relationship with abuse which really ramped up after the birth of dd, and I suspect this influenced my thinking.

Now, I'm in a really healthy relationship with a good person, and I have started to want to have another baby. I never ever expected to feel this way. I really thought I was done. But I feel so worried even just thinking about it. I feel so guilty over the thought of giving dd a half sibling who would live with its father while she doesn't live with hers, and with such a massive age gap. I also feel guilty over her being an only child while more and more of her friends now have siblings. I feel guilty she has no one to play with at home, and it's too late to change that. I think anything I do at this stage would be wrong. I feel guilty and really sad.

I don’t see my kids as being half-siblings they’re fully blood related because of me.
13 year age gap between son and daughter. Never bothered me, never bothered them.

i grew up with being the step daughter of mothers 2nd husband but I always saw him as my dad. I hate the labels. True or not it’s what’s inside that counts

Thank you soup. That's so nice to hear. The idea of half siblings only started to worry me after reading a Mumsnet thread on it one time! I came away with the impression that both children's lives would be ruined if I ever had another. Then the age gap started to play on my mind and I got in a right tizz. My dd had such a disrupted few years because of the terrible relationship I had with her dad, I think I tend to over worry about other things because of it.