To have or not to have 2

[Newmumcw]

Hi all,

Maybe I just need a vent but honestly feel like I'm having a mid life crisis!

My DS is now 2 and we (or just I most of the time) are in the thick of dealing with the terrible 2s. Up till now I'm not opposed to having a second, but I never felt like my son would be missing out as I'm the only child myself and had a great time (made lots of friends to make up for the lack of siblings). That said my husband grew up with a large family so he openly says he wants more children in front of my family and friends. It's easy for him to say though as I'm the one who has to juggle a career and taking care of the little one a couple days a week! Plus I'm approaching 40 so I worry generally about the risks.

We did discuss it and my DH accepts that we may not be able to have another one cos of my age. All my friends who have multiple children said it's worth it, but I'm so exhausted at the mo I'm barely coping with 1. I don't know if I should make up my mind and sticking to just 1, or be open to trying and see how it goes.

There's no easy answer I know, but I wondered if anyone been through the same? Thanks so much.

I had my first at 37 and was sure I didn't want another. I just felt too exhausted to cope.

She's now 17 and I can't say I have many regrets. Maybe that we didn't get going earlier ( we'd been together a long time but never quite got round to it before!) and thus had time for two or three but that's all. I've never felt guilty about it and DD very rarely expressed a desire for siblings. DP didn't want another either so we were on the same page. I didn't feel guilty at all - my reasoning was that as there was no way of knowing whether DD would be better off with a sibling or not it was fine for me to make the decision purely on my own feelings!

Mainly I just feel very lucky that at 37 I was able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

I guess in your position I'd try and imagine looking at a pregnancy test and seeing a second line then imagine seeing just one. What are your instinctive reactions to those thoughts? I once had a dream I was pregnant and woke up very relieved to be back in reality - that told me a lot!

Why are you the one dropping days of work for childcare- maybe your husband should do more. Nothing wrong with sticking at one. I have personally always felt though that having 1 child can be more exhausting than 2 (once past a certain age). Play dates, always eating with them, being their only source of socialising when at home- a sibling like can relieve that pressure.

Decided to stop at one. Reasons:

• feel like I can be a good mum to one, but would become a snappy / stressed mum to more
• DH happy with one
• DH & I both have siblings but aren’t close to any of them, and some of them have actually caused unpleasant/ tricky issues in our lives
• I’ve adult friends who have siblings with additional needs & have seen the burden in places on them
• my age
• I had a rough pregnancy
• Hated childbirth
• Found the baby / toddler stage really hard (it’s getting easier as we approach age 4)
• I am not a good person if I have not slept
• Finances - can afford private school for one & nice lifestyle generally
• I can continue my career nicely with one
• I love only having to think about one child - love that we can tailor weekends / holidays around her and not have to miss out on doing stuff because a younger sibling couldn’t do it yet
• DH and I both have time for our hobbies / sport - in turn we are physically & mentally healthy
• I also have more than one friend / acquaintance who has had a child with severe additional needs and I’m honest with myself that I’d struggle to cope with a second child were they to have such needs. I thank my lucky stars every day for the one healthy child I have

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Out of the people I know with more than one kid it’s 50/50 between the kids playing nicely together and making the parents’ lives easier, and hating each other & fighting & making the parents’ lives worse….

Oh yeh fighting for sure but I honestly don’t remember really eating many meals with my parents, on holidays it was just me and my sister all the time.
Always pros and cons to everything, I just want to destroy the myth that one child is easier, in many ways it can be more work.

I feel like I could have written your post. The only exception is the age. I'm younger. I'm having a real hard battle at the minute trying to decide whether to have number 2 or to keep my DD as an only. There are so many reasons I would like another but also so many reasons to stick at one. It's consuming my day to day thoughts at the moment and I honestly don't know how to reach to a decision.

One minute I'm like "yes let's go for it!" And the next I'm like "Nope, I'm done".

Thank you all. It feels like everyone I talk to see the pros of their side over the others - so maybe it's just a matter of convincing myself! The pregnancy test dream thing is a good indication - I feel like I would be relieved if I try and don't get pregnant. At least I tried and it's not meant to be so I can move on mentally!

To he honest we can just try and see what happens, but also worry about the risks of getting pregnant so close to 40. I'm probably overthinking it all again 🙄

This is a good list you can write a book for those who feel guilty about stopping at 1!