Making peace with having 1

[again2020]

Hi MNetters,

I have a wonderful DD who is 4 (closer to 4 than 5). I found being a mum such a huge shock, missed my freedom, sleep, etc. I was diagnosed with post partum psychosis and almost went to hospital which was very scarey. My partner was not very supportive. I had underlying depression that didn't shift for over 2 years.
When my daughter was 18 months old I fell pregnant again accidentally. My partner and I decided to terminate this pregnancy. He wavered for a minute and asked me if I thought it was the right decision. I did as I felt like we just couldn't have coped and I was still struggling.
My partner has been angry and resentful about this decision ever since. He regularly refers to it and called me some awful names soon afterwards but I think he was just upset.
Fast forward 2/3 years, our relationship is better, DD has grown up a little and I have really enjoyed being a mum the last year or so. We have a lot of fun.
I feel a pining for another child hugely now. I feel ready. I would love DD to have a sibling and know some great examples of 5/6 year gaps. I'd love to enjoy the baby stage again now I have done it once.
But my partner says no. He says it's too late. He says I could have done it years ago, and now I have to live with the decision.
He isn't a hands on father, he regularly goes to football matches for a full day, is going abroad with friends a few times this year and is quite lazy generally. I look after my daughter alone a lot so it would be me on my with 2 children, which I'd struggle with.
My parents aren't interested and MIL who was great the first time around isn't able to help anymore (her other children have had kids).
If you've read any of my previous posts you'll know I don't have the best relationship with my partner and we've had a few problems, same with my MIL.
I know the logical decision is to stick at one but I feel bad for DD for being alone plus I'm sad I'll never get to be a mum all over again. I also worry about something happening to DD, about her moving to the other side of the world when she's older, about me and her dad separating in years to come (never say never) and her not speaking to me. I do know someone who that happened to who had an only child and her daughter has not spoken to her for years now.
DD is a little best friend and she makes me laugh every day, I know I'm very lucky to have her in my life but at the moment I feel so sad. Soon it will be time to get rid of the baby furniture. How can I make peace with my decision?
Thanks if you made it this far

[ISayItLikeItIs]

He isn't a hands on father, he regularly goes to football matches for a full day, is going abroad with friends a few times this year and is quite lazy generally. I look after my daughter alone a lot so it would be me on my with 2 children, which I'd struggle with.

I'm sorry but this got to me... whats the point of having a PARTNER then?

[again2020]

@ISayItLikeItIs I know. I suppose I have enough on my plate as it is

[ISayItLikeItIs]

OK, My honest opinion. If he doesn't want to then don't force it. Make it peace with just the one you have. It takes 2 and in your situation you're the only one helping.

[DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping]

‘Partner’ sounds like a right twat - ditch him and focus on enjoying your daughter’s childhood.

From how you’ve described your experience of early parenting, I’m surprised that you now seem to be looking back with rose tinted goggles and pining to do it all again. What makes you think you wouldn’t have the same mental health issues the second time, which would then impact your daughter?

Enjoy what you have, in terms of your daughter, and ditch the unsupportive partner.

[roseopose]

I think its normal when you've had a rough time mentally the first time to long for another chance to enjoy motherhood like you thought you would- but it doesn't necessarily work out like that. For me it's too much of a gamble but I totally get the feeling you're having. FWIW your partner sounds horrible and I would not even consider having another child with him after how he treated you re your termination.

[again2020]

Thanks everyone. I do agree, but it is hard to firmly close off the idea in my mind and move on. Maybe it is rose tinted glasses, it could also be hormones as time isn't on my side either at 37.