Feeling selfish and like I have let my husband and child down

[emilyjaneuk]

Hi everyone,

I am 39 in May and have a DS who is 8 and is my whole world. I never really wanted children to begin with as I always had a major fear of childbirth and pregnancy. Anyway, after being told we may not even be able to have children I was upset and DS surprised us and came along. My pregnancy was anxiety driven with mild pre eclampsia, a few light bleeds, irritable uterus and terrible anxiety. My labour was horrible (aren't they all) and we were whizzed to theatre quickly as his heart rate dropped. Luckily we avoided a c section but I had a almost 3rd degree tear and the had bowel impaction post delivery.

My husband and I always said right 'we were told we would never have children, we have been so blessed lets just bank this little star and say one and done'. However, my husband then started to get very broody when all our friends had their second and thirds. However, I have never ever ever felt one tinge of broodiness and all that goes through my head when I hear a close friend is pregnant is 'thank goodness them and not me'.

My DS was one of 4 in his class that were an only child and now he is the only 1.

He says he is fine without a brother or sister and he would never ever want a sister.

However, I feel one day I am going to look back and feel so bad I was so selfish. I just would hate to have another and I feel I am just getting some freedom back now my DS is 8 and we are able to keep him up late on special occasions and not cart around tons of spare clothes etc.

We got a puppy this year and he is already hard work and that puts me off a child even more!

My husband has come to terms with not having another but I feel I have let everyone down.

Hi,
I'm a tad older than you, so imo missed that boat now (though I know some do still) and my son's a tad younger.

Having an only child, does, hold additional guilt in my experience. Even though I know that this is probably in the best interests of my child as they get my absolute attention and obviously finances too. No sharing of me etc.

I come from being one of many siblings so it feels like a betrayal to have not given the same, at the same time as reasoning the above!

You've not let anyone down. Pregnancy is bloody hard work, and labour even worse; we seem to have shared similar experiences here. And I wouldn't be queuing up to repeat!

And though he may be the only only in his class, 40% of children are only children in the UK, so it's not as unusual as we are often led to believe.

Plus, sorry, at 8,even if you conceived immediately, then your son would be 10 ish by the birth and the relationship that a 10 year old plus has would be very different to had you ttc when was preschool age. And actually your son may well resent you for what he loses to gain a sibling!

Honest stick at one. All of you will be fine.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your feelings are valid and there is. nothing wrong with having just one child. Your son is happy and not craving a brother or sister, you are delighted with your son and getting your freedom back and your dh has made peace with having one child too. All in all, everyone in your family unit is happy and content.

I have two but with a 5 year age gap. I wanted 2, but my eldest has said numerous times he wishes it had stayed just him. He definitely would have been perfectly happy as an only. Plus the juggle between two children with two very different needs is hard. My youngest is too young to join in the stuff my eldest wants to do, and my eldest isn't interested in anything the youngest wants to do because it's 'for babies'. I feel guilty that my eldest feels like his life isn't as good now he has a sibling.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, that even if you changed your mind now, you may swap one lot of guilt for another because of the reasons I've just given.

Honestly OP you arent letting anyone down- pros and cons to everything in life!- and health, mental and physical has to come first for the sake of your family.

Also, the pros of having a sibling usually are from being close in age- there is no point imo come an 8 yr age gap- it would essentially feel like 2 only children.

I’m don’t know why everyone is slating larger age gaps. There are 9 years between myself and my sibling and 9 years between dp and his brother. Both me and my dp are really close with our siblings. These relationships aren’t pointless.

However Op, your child doesn’t need a sibling. He’s perfectly happy. I’ve met many only children who say they’re glad they don’t have siblings. My son is an only and I’m questioning wether or not to have another (I always wanted 2 but it’s been a difficult few years and time is ticking on). I understand the guilt you feel, because I feel it too, but it’s not wroth making such a large decision based on your perceived guilt. Like others have said, if it’s not a big deal to him now then I doubt he’ll care when he gets older.

You are not letting anyone down - least of all the planet.

I’m and only child. There are loads of pros!

You cannot win this one. Whatever your family set up you will end up feeling guilt about something!

Just enjoy the family you’ve got, the grass is very often not greener.

I am mum to an only child. When young they had loads of playdates and sleep overs. Now grown up, they are very grateful to have been able to buy a property with our help. They also know they will inherit everything from us one day. Don't feel guilty, look at the many positives.