Do you hate playing with your child?

[S0987]

Okay I have a 4.5 year old and whilst I love her with all my heart I am completely drained by her because she expects constant entertainment and interaction from me. She is an only child at the moment and just does not like playing alone - seriously no matter what I've tried she does not do it. I can start her off then edge away she will stop. I can put a timer on it doesn't help. The only thing she does alone is watch tv.

Does anyone else have only children with this issue? I blame myself because I have overplayed with her and she's used to it but recently I've just realised it's not sustainable I can't spend all week evenings after school and weekends on the floor with barbies and Lego I don't mind doing it for a little bit but when it's constant it's just exhausting - I can't enjoy myself. I dread empty weekends (of which there are plenty due to weather).

I think I've overplayed with her to compensate for the guilt I feel about her being an only.

Hi OP. It’s a tough one, isn’t it? We’re in a similar boat - DD is also an only child (just turned 4) who struggles to self-entertain and relies on us (and me especially) to be her constant playmates. There are no cousins or other children in the extended family at all, so she’s not used to loose, unstructured play. DD very much favours role play/imaginative play at the moment, and I regularly find myself spending much of the day pretending to be one of her favourite story characters, or a teacher, or a dog. I’m actually quite good at play (ex-teacher and know a bit about child psychology) but even I find it a bit soul destroying at times.

I do worry to an extent that I’m storing up problems for DD’s future and that she will lack the skills she needs to be self-reliant, but I can’t see any easy answer to it tbh. I’m currently a SAHM (by accident rather than design!) and with just the three of us our house is quiet, orderly and calm. With no siblings or job to distract me from DD she inevitably gets a huge amount of my time - especially emerging from two years of covid, where we were forced to be at home more than we would otherwise choose to. Short of deliberately ignoring her, I don’t know how I can get her more used to playing alone - plus the kind of stuff she’s currently into is naturally sociable and doesn’t really lend itself to solo play.

DD does do two days at nursery, which helps a bit, and I’m hoping that starting school in September will help her to become a bit more resilient and begin to understand that she sometimes has to share adults’ time and attention. Otherwise now that things have largely reopened we aim to be out of the house as much as possible to avoid too many marathon role play sessions! DD is a happy, well behaved child, has never asked for a sibling and seems completely well adjusted in other ways, so I’m trying not to worry too much about the only child aspect, but I do understand the nagging guilt you describe.

I have a 7 month old and not sure yet whether we would have another but can completely understand that it would be tiring to play and entertain her constantly.

Are there things you can do with her each day and then tell her you are busy and she needs to play alone?

@TempsPerdu thanks so much for your reply it's so helpful to know there's someone out there in the same situation and knows how I feel. Hats off to you for all that imaginary play. My daughter is really into barbies at the mo and I have to sit with her for ages making them talk to each other

I am pretty much a stay at home mum too (trying to do my own business stuff on the side) so maybe I over indulge in her because I have no other real focus but I too worry massively that I am setting her up to fail because in life you have to be able to be happy with your own company some time.

I just don't know how to break out of this cycle. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we were born 200 years ago when everyone lived in tribes and all the children ran between the huts playing together!!!!

@Chocomelon it is tiring!! Honestly it's actually more mentally draining then physically I miss when she was 7 months old and just lay there staring at her hanging toys now is like a whole different ballgame of entertainment :(

I hate playing with dolls. I do it, but to be honest I probably avoid it a lot more than I should. I'll happily bake, read stories, do puzzles, play board games, make lego sets, colour, draw, paint, craft...I'll even watch her put on a talent show but I really HATE playing with dolls. Bad luck for my DD that she has me as a mother.

I feel this way quite often (only child too). I'm also quite good at playing but some games just fill me with dread... repeatedly playing doctors and building train tracks and then pretending to be the trains. I find myself suggesting we watch TV at times just to have a break from it. We also go out quite a lot.

@Rjw84 omg you took the words out my
Mouth!! There's something about playing dolls that fills me with dread!! I don't know what it is.
I will happily do all the stuff you named too. It's just those dam dolls and guess what - they are her favourite toy

My only recommendation is play dates with other children of her age who like dolls….

I have just the one at 2.5 and I feel very much like this. It’s like there is no down time or relaxation at home because there is constant nag to play. When I play it’s always wrong and ends in shouting. And me walking off saying ‘I don’t play with children who shout at me’ and then tears.

No cousins or local friends to play with and he’d be a bit of a nightmare at a stay and play type sessions because he’s so used to directing play. It’s a lockdown consequence I think but it’s going to be a painful road to playing nicely with others.

We had this problem until my ds was 9. Later he didn’t want me to play but I had to sit and watch him play😄 I had a talk with him because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t have free time and I dreaded weekends. Now he is 12 and we have a new issue: jealousy. I can’t talk to my husband in peace or discuss anything serious because my son will become dramatic and say “nobody ever talks to me, you are always together” and so on. He can’t bear it if we watch a movie and I don’t comment on his comments, he drains my energy and demands so much attention. I blame our situation. We have no relatives near, and he doesn’t have any cousins so he probably misses interacting with people his age. I truly hope this will pass soon.

I'm an only child, my mum never played with me, she'd bake with me, do crafts, take me places, talk and hang out with me endlessly, but not play dolls, role plays, board games, etc. She hates it, fair enough 😄 I didn't know any different so it was fine, she'd set my stuff up for me and basically say "go over there and play" and she'd stay in the same room knitting, reading, watching TV, or in the kitchen baking. You definitely don't have to do it all the time, it's fine to tell them to do things without you.

I have an only who is now 11. When younger it sometimes felt like hard work having to keep her entertained. I did worry we were setting her up not to be able to entertain herself, but as she's got older 2 things happened. 1. Once she became a good reader she'd happily sit and read alone for long periods of time. 2. She can now contact friends in person or online and spend time with them.

We also have a great close relationship and spend good quality time together.

Get her reading solo, she will not need you if she gets really into books.

Try to engage her in things around the house, even if it slows you down. Get her to help you hang laundry, wash dishes (kids love splashing around in the sink), chopping veg with a kids knife etc. Literally any boring household task.

My stepson is the same, he cannot entertain himself and it annoys me. But he is generally quite receptive if I ask him to do “jobs”, even just small things like asking to put something in the bin for me. Kids have a natural urge to be helpful, so make use of it! Sometimes when he’s asking for someone to play with him I ask him to help me with some housework instead. He either says yes (a win for me, because he’s engaged in what I’M doing and I don’t have to play a boring game) or he declines because he can think of something else he’s rather be doing (also a win). Sometimes he will just hover nearby and chat away or fiddle with things around the house, and I make sure WHENEVER he does anything independently, no matter how small, I try to leave well alone and allow his imagination to go where it will, of course always keeping a close eye to make sure he is safe but otherwise leaving him to it. My partner is always too quick to jump in and “help” him or comment on what he’s doing and it drives me crazy. It’s why we’re in this situation!

Good luck! I feel your pain!

PS. I read a good article once about getting kids to help around the house which really inspired me. I can’t find the exact article but I’m sure if you Google you’ll find something similar.
It said how in other cultures it’s very normal for kids to help out with chores and feel a natural sense of pride and duty in doing so, even from a very young age

When she gets older she’ll be able to invite school friends over to play. I was an only and my mum was always babysitting someone else’s kid on a weekend so I could have someone to play with. The parents were always more than happy to be able to dump their kid and have a day out! Signing up for clubs and hobbies is another option, again she needs to be a little bit older.