How to get over DP not wanting anymore

5 replies

Shineonyoupinkcrazydiamond · 28/01/2022 14:36

I'm hoping this is okay to post here as in many respects we aren't a one-child family as DP already has 2 children with his ex, however it looks like I am only going to be a one child parent, which I never expected. We have one child of our own. I was up front with DP from the start about wanting children however since we have had our own DC, DSC have come to live with us full time and DP has decided he doesn't want any other children. In his words, he loves his children but doesn't want to spend his whole life raising children (his oldest is 10 and ours is 5 months old). He says he is 100% on this and there's no way of him changing his mind.

I feel absolutely heartbroken and like the rug has been pulled from under me. He is an excellent dad and partner so I know I could leave but at 34 then the chances of meeting someone else to have children with, and splitting my baby's time between 2 parents, seems really wrong and selfish.
I don't know how to move past it though or how to feel okay about it. I know he's totally entitled to not want any more but part of me feels really bitter and angry about the situation. I was always so clear about wanting children and at the risk of sounding pathetic and childish, it feels so unfair.

How do I learn to live with having only one child, when it's not down to my own decision or anything else other than my partner not wanting any?

OP posts:

DonnyBurrito · 02/02/2022 20:49

I'm in the reverse situation, where my partner wants our son to have a sibling at some point, but I don't. I love the idea in theory, but my God does it sound like hard work. I read so many threads on here about just how insanely hard having two small children is, how difficult the dynamic between them can be to manage and the additional strain it puts on everyone and everything. The most strain will inevitably be on The Mum. I don't want to risk burning out and not being able to give my existing child my very best. He's got a half sister and loads of cousins.

If your partner won't ever budge, I think you are right to feel hurt and mourn the loss of more children. You're probably experiencing some form of grief about it, so let yourself feel that. Process it as you would process any loss; cry, go on holiday, take time to yourself, spend lots of time with friends, etc... Then try to focus your energy on the child you already have, and on the benefits of that child having your undivided love, attention and resources for the rest of their life. Spoil that child. Cherish your stepchildren, too. I'd love it if my DSD lived with us full time, she's 6 and her mum (and dad) has done all the hard work of raising a lovely little girl already!

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/02/2022 21:09

Well first off, talk to him about how this is making you feel, if you’ve always talked about 2 kids, then he needs to feel this is an issue for you and it’s not all about him. It’s rough on you.

However you can’t (or shouldn’t) have a child he doesn’t want, in which case I think you just have to view it like anyone who can’t have a second child - it’s sad, but you can’t have everything you want in life. Focus on what you do have, and how you can fill the gaps. I know that’s trite and annoying but it’s none the less true.

Original poster

Shineonyoupinkcrazydiamond · 02/02/2022 22:07

Process it as you would process any loss; cry, go on holiday, take time to yourself, spend lots of time with friends, etc... Then try to focus your energy on the child you already have, and on the benefits of that child having your undivided love, attention and resources for the rest of their life.

I think this is what I need to do.

I know, if he doesn't want another child it can't happen and I get what you mean about not being able to get everything you want in life but I feel like this is a situation where I was very clear from the outset about what I wanted, so it feels horrible to be told now when we're so far in that it's not going to happen.

The main positive is that I have my little girl and I have a great partner, however the rest of the situation is just not what I would ever have wanted for my life and that's really hard to get my head around.

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catlovingbeth · 04/05/2022 16:43

How are you getting on, @Shineonyoupinkcrazydiamond ? I am in a very similar situation to you and it is so difficult. I am trying to take on board the advice of others to allow yourself to grieve and to appreciate what you have.

Original poster

Shineonyoupinkcrazydiamond · 04/05/2022 19:24

catlovingbeth · 04/05/2022 16:43

Managing a bit better. I went through a stage of feeling devastated then angry at my partner and quite resentful, and in all honesty bitter, but I'm moving past all that now. I still hope he'll change his mind but I'm living life by the premise that he won't. My focus is on my daughter now and when I think of our future it's the things I'll do with her that I think about whereas before I used to imagine other children of my own as well. I'm planning lots of trips and travels together and things that will be far easier to do with just her alone.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Do you also have stepchildren?

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