Scars from childhood?

[Amie1234]

Hi all.

Right, this thought has bothered me all the way through my life and I'm pushing 40. I need to work through it because it brings me to tears instantly when I think about it, which I often do....like it still haunts me. I know I need to talk about it and I do with my partner, but I wondered if there are any suggestions of ways to make sense of it from you guys before I approach a professional.

So, my mum and biological father split when I was days old. My mum and I lived with my maternal grandparents until she found a new partner when I was 5. She moved out, remarried, and had my half sister when I was 7. She decorated a bedroom for me at her new flat but I wanted to go back to my nan and grandads, so I stayed living with them and my mum got on with creating her new family. We saw each other nearly every day and lived right near each other.

So, the thing that haunts me is that although I had all the love I could ever want with my grandparents, I wanted to be 'normal' and have a normal family. I used to schedule visits to my mums around evening meal time or hang around when I knew they were going to be eating, in the hope that they'd let me stay to eat with the three of them. But, she would always say that they didn't know I'd be there so they hadn't got enough food to give me and would suggest that I went back to my nans as she would be cooking for me. I'd leave their house to walk to my nans and wait until I was out of sight and then I'd cry because all I wanted was to sit at a table with them for a meal like a 'normal' family. I'd have to walk around outside for a bit until my tears had dried before I went to my nans.

The really vivid image in my head is me standing in the garden at my mum and step dad's, resting my chin on the windowsill, watching the three of them sitting round the table eating like a happy family. It brings me to tears immediately and it's an image that feels so raw. I never really felt like I fitted anywhere and it's like I was longing to be at that table, even though my nan and grandad had all the love in the world to give me. Any ideas how I can get my head around why it's stuck with me all these years? How can I make peace with it? Happy to answer any questions. Thank you.

"She decorated a bedroom for me at her new flat but I wanted to go back to my nan and grandads, so I stayed living with them"

So was it your choice to stay living with your grandparents and not with your mum and her new partner? But you then felt "left out".

This is the first point I would think through.
Why did you not want to live with your mum and her new partner at the time? Is this something you can discuss with your mum/family now and perhaps get some insight more into your feelings at that age? As this seems the main issue in which you now feel sadness.

Therapy may help you with this problem. Talking therapy to work through these childhood memories can help, whilst I can't offer much practical advice I hope it's something you can work through and make peace with

What’s your relationship like now with your mum and sister?

It's definitely different. I still don't feel like I fit in and she knows that her family unit is more normal and will throw out subtle reminders whether she means to or not. She has a much closer relationship with my step dad than I do and they are clearly a family unit... and it shows when you look through Facebook and can see how many photos there are of her, mum and my step dad but there aren't many at all of me. I used to be closer to my sister but we've drifted as we've got older. I'm not close to her, although we do speak quite often, and I don't feel like her sister. I wish we were closer.

Honestly? You were 7 years old. I think your Mum should not have given you the choice but insisted you stay together as a family.

I wonder if you feel sad she did not fight to keep you together as a family unti.

Mogkat - Yeah, it seems odd that I chose to stay with nan and grandad (n&g) and then went on to feel left out but I was only 5/6 yrs old at that point. The family unit that I'd known was being split with mum moving out of the house, so I think I felt stable with them so stayed. My main feelings of sadness started when my sister came Ali g and I felt that I didn't really fit anywhere. I just felt like i floated around without a place to be.

I'd struggle to talk to my mum about it as it would come completely out of the blue and I don't thi k it would be taken in the way I meant it.

Thank you for your advice and support.

I'm surprised that your mum allowed such a young child to make such a big decision, when you couldn't possibly understand the long term ramifications.

I think you're, understandably, wondering why your mum didn't seem to mind you being separated from her and staying elsewhere. I can't imagine ever finding that to be something I could contemplate with my 5 year old, even if there were loving and young enough grandparents to step in. It wouldn't even have been an option.

Have you ever had counselling about this?

@UltraVividLament

I'm surprised that your mum allowed such a young child to make such a big decision, when you couldn't possibly understand the long term ramifications.

I think you're, understandably, wondering why your mum didn't seem to mind you being separated from her and staying elsewhere. I can't imagine ever finding that to be something I could contemplate with my 5 year old, even if there were loving and young enough grandparents to step in. It wouldn't even have been an option.

Have you ever had counselling about this?

This ..you were a child. Obviously your instinct was to stay with what was familiar but why did your Mom agree to it. Its a huge rejection in your life and you are bound to feel pain . Counselling would definitely help as they will be trained to help you through this. Saying all this l have a friend who lived until she was 7 with her GPS.. like you. Then her mum and dad..her real dad..both very young..managed to buy a house a good distance away and took her with very little warning or explanation to live there. She had no idea why she wasn't living with her GPS any longer and really missed them. When her gd died she was devastated but nobody thought of her close relationship with him. She found it difficult all her life to bond with her mother and felt ill at ease in her home. Her GPS left her their house later and she has never sold it but uses it as a holiday home. It affected her all her life. I think even 40 years ago people didn't put much thought as to how a child was feeling and just brought them along as if it all had no impact. Do go to Counselling as you will find it very helpful.

@UltraVividLament

I'm surprised that your mum allowed such a young child to make such a big decision, when you couldn't possibly understand the long term ramifications.

I think you're, understandably, wondering why your mum didn't seem to mind you being separated from her and staying elsewhere. I can't imagine ever finding that to be something I could contemplate with my 5 year old, even if there were loving and young enough grandparents to step in. It wouldn't even have been an option.

Have you ever had counselling about this?

I hadn't even looked at it like this. I thi k I'd just settled on her wanting to do what made me happy at the time (and I can imagine my nan encouraged mum to let me stay with n&g) but yes, that decision has been pivotal. Maybe it was a decision that wasn't thought about enough by my mum, or maybe it just suited her with her new relationship? I will definitely be seeking counselling but just wanted to start to get my thoughts in order first.

Thanks for this example - it's useful. I too find it hard to bond with my mum and we are more like sisters. I also sense a huge amount of jealousy because I've gone on to do well in life.

@Amie1234 reading this post has bought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your situation and I do hope you can get some closure on this and peace with the past.

I lived with my mum and maternal grandparents for my entire childhood. My father wasn't around and so it was just me mum grandma and grandad. I have happy memories . I remember one year my mum looking around a house with the intention of moving out for me and her to have a space of our own. I remember feeling so upset at the prospect of leaving my grandparents - they were part of our house and our family unit , i guess it felt like a break up for no reason that I, as a child, could understand. My mum chose not to move out and we all stayed together .

That decision had a lasting impact on my mother as when I moved out and my grandad passed away, my mum became my grandmas carer . But she sacrificed this for me to not have that seperation early on in life .

I don't know how I would have felt if my mum met a man and wanted us to move away from my grandparents and I do wonder if I would have chosen to stay with them like you did.

I hope you are able to perhaps get answers from your mum and you could perhaps have a sit down conversation with her just you and her to talk about your feelings