I am losing all my friends

[Ygritte84]

Totally my fault. I have distanced myself from my mum friends as they are all having second children and meeting up makes me anxious. Our decision to be "one and done" was mostly DH's and I still haven't quite processed it, so these meetings were leaving me upset and emotionally drained. Now my last remaining friend has announced she is pregnant too, and I don't know what to do.

I know this is my problem, my fault. But I can't bring myself to go to baby showers, discuss newborn stuff, and be asked when I am having another one. I just can't. Should I just become a hermit for a while, and wait until this stage has passed? Perhaps it will get better in a while...

I think you would regret it if you didn’t get back out there & stay in touch with them.

@Glassofshloer I have tried really hard but on more than one occasion I left meetings feeling so sad and deflated. Then I got ill and sort of disappeared for a month, and became used to the hermit lifestyle. I can't bring myself to face it all again!

if the prospect of sticking at 1 child is affecting you that much it sounds like you might need to revisit the decision with your husband. You're feelings aren't going to get any better by hiding away and losing friends. I think counselling might help too

I agree with PP. Your problem is your unresolved feelings about not having a second child. You need to discuss with your husband and maybe seek counselling too. You sound like you feel a decision was imposed on you. That must be hard.

I understand completely that feeling of running away from something that is so painful. The problem is you cannot run away from this without inflicting massive damage on yourself and your child. Your child will need friends which means you need to be friends with parents. You need friends too.

I agree, I think it'a time to talk to your DH about the decision and how it's impacting you.

That's not to say you should try to change his mind, but you need to find a way to process it and move on.

@Ygritte84 - I am somewhere in the same position as you although I am trying for a second child and it has not happened so far. I feel like hiding myself away from the world but in particular when I need to attend things when friends who are pregnant or have just had their second/third child. My rational brain tells me that this will pass and you don’t want to lose your friends however sometimes it’s almost to hard to deal with and I shut myself off x

@Twizbe I talked to DH about how hard I am finding it but we are at a bit of a standstill.

He doesn't feel he should change his mind just to spare my feelings and thinks I should resolve my issues in other ways. He knows I cancelled meet-ups and events with other people, but thinks I am just being silly.

At the same time I wouldn't want to force such a big decision, it's a big step and either we are both in this as a team or we are not at all.

@Hopefullywaiting01234 I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. It can be a lonely and dark place, but I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well for you

I think he's being horrible to be honest.

@Ygritte84 thank you. My husband also said a while back (before we starting trying) that he was happy with 1 and didn’t want another. I was honest and said that I couldn’t get over that as I would resent him - anyways after a lot of thinking we decided to ttc no2 and I would say he is extremely eager now. What age is your child, does he maybe just need some more time as the first few years can be tough x

this clearly isnt a decision you've come to terms with- that needs addressing with your husband. As for friends, you have a child, you arent missing out on anything, you have the experience. Second time round parents are so over talking about all the things they talk about when they have their first. It's just one more child around you.

I could understand isolating yourself if you were trying for a second and couldn't have one due to miscarriages / failed IVF or medically couldn't but your decision is a deliberate one. One that should have been discussed in the early days of your marriage to see if you were on the same page. I get you can't go back in time and also everyone is entitled to change their mind but No one deliberately gets pregnant to hurt someone else and friends are supposed to be there through the good times as well bad. If you were my friend id feel a bit annoyed that you were isolating yourself for this reason - sorry if that harsh but I'm just being honest here.

@Eastridingclub

I think he's being horrible to be honest.

Because he doesn't want another child ?

I can't see the age of your First child - how old is he/she?
I also can't see if you have seriously gone back to your social life and actually experienced the remarks and questions you anticipate. Do go back to your meet-ups and if the dreaded remarks are made, tell your friends honestly how things stand.
Explain how you feel, tell them you'd rather they stopped asking you because DP is refusing, you may find others have been right where you are.

my friend recently told us they were sticking at one, mainly due to the husbands preference, we nodded and carried on chatting other rubbish. Honestly no one else cares how many children we all have,

@Eastridingclub

I think he's being horrible to be honest.

Why is it horrible to not want a second child? Both parents need to want a child.

Can you tell your friends how you're feeling? Perhaps they can be a bit more sensitive with their conversations if they're aware - I'm sure they wouldn't want to lose you!

[quote Ygritte84]@Twizbe I talked to DH about how hard I am finding it but we are at a bit of a standstill.

He doesn't feel he should change his mind just to spare my feelings and thinks I should resolve my issues in other ways. He knows I cancelled meet-ups and events with other people, but thinks I am just being silly.

At the same time I wouldn't want to force such a big decision, it's a big step and either we are both in this as a team or we are not at all.[/quote]
He's right to a point. His desire to have no more trumps your desire to have a child. You do need to decide if it's something you can make peace with or not.

He's wrong for calling you silly. You feelings aren't silly because that's how you feel. That said, don't lose friends over this. I'm sure none of the mum friends are trying to be insensitive. I've lots of friends who are one and done. Some because they can't afford more, some had such hard pregnancies / births they can't / don't want to do it again. Some are single mums so it's not an option, some feel they're too old to do it again. All very valid reasons and nothing I'd judge.

aged

His response is callous and patronising.

I would be honest with your friends. I know of someone in a similar situation and their husband has said flat out no to another child.

She has told her friends and we are all sensitive about it. We have told her in advance or on text message so she can process pregnancies etc.

I think being honest with your friends is a good idea, they will completely understand and rally round and help you through this

I can completely empathise. My husband doesn't want a 2nd and I really do. We've been to couples counselling which has really helped and he would have another one in order to stop my grieving but I won't bring a child in to the world who isn't 100% wanted and I don't want to go through pregnancy, birth, having a new born etc knowing that's not what he wants and feeling so isolated.

I'm in the same place as you in that all my friends either have a 2nd, are pregnant or trying. I also find socialising with them incredibly hard but I have found it easier since I've told them what is going on. I am still happy for them but that doesn't stop me being sad for myself. I'm finding it very lonely because essentially everybody else has what I want and I have nobody to grieve with me because it's not what my husband wants. I'm even a bit jealous of those who have fertility problems because at least they have a partner who wants the same thing and they can go through it together.

@Respectfulparent I've read a couple of your posts on this board and they resonated with me. I have been pining for another one for almost two years and I think I need to accept that it's probably not going to happen. DH feels very strongly about it and he does not want any more and he feels a bit betrayed that I now want another one as we had an understanding that one would be enough. However, we have been having these tragic talks over the last year or so and we have been trying to resolve this. A number of times he has said that he will agree to have another one because he loves me and doesn't want me to be sad (we have a good relationship and love each other very much - which makes the whole situation so difficult!), but at the same time he says that he would be sad and stressed if we did have another one because he doesn't want one. It feels wrong to do it if he's not on board, and like you, I couldn't imagine going through pregnancy, labour etc knowing that it's not something he wants.

I just don't know what to do though. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this and feel that I would be sad forever if we don't try for another one. But I really do love my husband (which is why I feel so guilty, selfish and shitty to even put him in this position) and I don't want him to resent me or be sad. DH keeps saying he'll give me what I want but that there will be certain conditions, e.g. he won't get involved with the pregnancy (we had a traumatic TFMR in the past) and he won't do the crappy newborn stuff, and he wants to be able to do the things he enjoys. Basically he is saying that I would look after the potential baby for the first couple of years when it's challenging, and he could take part in the fun stuff when they're older. Now, I know that it probably sounds bonkers, but I kind of understand where he's coming from. He doesn't want a baby so why should he do the baby things he doesn't want to do? I think in my guilt and desperation to have a baby I would agree to those terms. I know he's a brilliant father but had a tough time with DC being small, so it kind of makes sense to me. But would this arrangement actually ever work in real life? Surely someone is bound to end up resentful? And anyway, if you need an arrangement like this, should you really have another child?

I don't know. It's incredibly depressing.

@BabyPotato this sounds very familiar. I would suggest that you try couples counselling. We found it super helpful. We also have a very loving relationship but this was an issue we couldn't work through alone. We were also super worried about resentment issues regardless of which route we took. One of the things our counsellor actually suggested was coming up with a 'wish list' to compensate for not getting what we want for both of us. Maybe it would help you to come up with a list yourself that would make it easier for you having 1. Mine was very focussed on supporting our child's social development, ensuring she isn't lonely, reducing pressure on her to look after us when we are older etc. My husband felt really selfish doing his list so he never actually finished it before I made the decision that I wasn't going to have another if it's not something he wants.

He is also going through personal counselling now to deal with some grief and attachment issues that are affecting his relationship with DD (and hugely affecting his ability to even contemplate having another). But I wanted to take the pressure off him 'changing his mind' as being the goal of those sessions so he could focus on what was really important for him.

Thanks @Respectfulparent. Sounds like our situations are rather similar. It's such a hard situation to be in though and I wish it were more straightforward. I think it's great you've found help in couples counselling. I actually suggested it to my DH after seeing your earlier post, but I knew he wouldn't be keen and actually I think I might struggle with it too, so we've agreed not to do it now. I think I'll keep reading and finding things to try instead.

That's interesting that you mentioned the wish list - it's such a good idea and I feel that we kind of did something similar last year when we were talking about this. DH had reluctantly agreed to have a baby and sort of wanted something "in return" - he has now done a couple of big(-ish) things for himself that have really helped his self esteem but cost quite a lot of money. It sort of made sense he did these things because my ask was even bigger, but I feel that I can't bring it up anymore because it was ages ago and now we've kind of gone back to deciding whether to try for a baby or not. I don't want it to seem like I'm asking him to "keep his end of the bargain", because it doesn't feel right. And I don't actually mind it either as his self esteem is so much better these days and he seems happier in himself so that's obviously a good thing, but I just remembered our "deal" when you mentioned the wish list. I think I'll have a think and see if I can come up with my own wishlist. Thanks for the advice.

It's good that your DH is having counselling, like you said not to change his mind, but it sounds like it would be beneficial for all of you. It sounds like you have very caring relationship and you're both willing to listen to each other and work through this as a team, which is good. I hope you both find peace with this.