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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

I only want one child - is this selfish of me?

16 replies

anon2244660011 · 25/10/2021 07:14

Just that really!
Our daughter is 2.5 and she is our absolute joy. We love her so much and have so much fun with her !

I found the first baby year incredibly hard and not enjoyable , and I just don't know if if I could or if I would even want to go through that again !

My husband would like to consider a second at some point in the future - he knows I'm not ready yet and we are not in a position yet to try anyway (we are relocating for work and covid reasons) but I'm not sure I will ever be ready !!

The only reason I would consider having a second is for my daughter to have a sibling . Is this a good enough reason if it isn't what I want ?! Parenthood is so much about putting yourself second , I feel like this would be another sacrifice I would make for the sake of my daughter !!

OP posts:

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NatMoz · 25/10/2021 07:19

I'm pregnant and I'm adamant I only want one.

My husband's got 2 siblings and neither of them live on the same continent. My brother is a pain.

I personally don't think it matters and I wouldn't do something if it is going to result in a financial burden/upset/resentment from you.

It may just mean that you may have to spend more time entertaining your one child or arrange more play dates but I don't think that's a terrible thing.

Caspianberg · 25/10/2021 07:27

There’s always go to be be if it’s of being only child and negatives. I dot. Think one or the other is strong enough to make it a problem either way.

We have one. Likely will stick with one. For us right now it’s our choice and I’m happy with it. In future maybe we will change

MintJulia · 25/10/2021 07:27

Being clear how you feel is important. Understanding that your DH might, in time, decide he wants a second and eventually consider it a deal breaker is important too.

You may change your mind as memories of the baby phase fade and hormones take over. He may decide he is happy with 1.

It's too soon to make a decision, let your finances and domestic arrangements settle and see how you both feel in a couple of years time.

Sunseeker90 · 25/10/2021 07:29

Not selfish! Surely its more selfish to bring a child into the world that either you or your dh didnt 100% long for?

As a mum of 1 6yo dc I have a much more straightforward time of it.

Dh and I play with dc every day, lots of activities and friends and had a busy anf exciting life.
There wad a time they asked for a sibling quite often but alot of children at school had just had brothers or sisters born and probably seemed like an expected next step for them!

For us we have a good support network of my dm my mil etc so its much smoother day to day.

Dont have another just to give a sibling! There is no guarantee they will get on!

Mouseonmychair · 25/10/2021 07:34

Not selfish at all. As well as the environmental impact of not having a second child it's more selfish to bring a child into the world that isn't 100% wanted by both parents.

wobblywinelover · 25/10/2021 07:35

My son considers himself lucky being an only child. He hears his friends at school getting annoyed with their younger siblings and he is so grateful he doesn't have to put up with it. Initially I had considered two but my son was quite difficult to deal with in the early years and I don't think I could have given him the full attention he needed. There are benefits to one child families, wish I had been in one too

TheFabledSnake · 25/10/2021 07:39

I've only one, she's 6 now. She is very happy and I don't feel she's missing out. I can spend time with just me and her, she has lots of friends. But she needs her own space, and I'm glad she has it.

CasaBonita · 25/10/2021 17:26

No I don't think it's a good enough reason. YOU have to want it 100%.

We have an only. It's awesome, I love it. Yes there's an element of me being selfish but I don't care! It's my life too and I was never happy to make such a monumental decision based only on that my child 'needed' a sibling. Which they don't anyway, we have a great life!

JudgementalCactus · 25/10/2021 17:39

Not selfish at all. And I say that as a former kid who begged for a sibling and then wanted to send him back. I felt my needs always came second because "I was older and more understanding so I should let him have his way".

He lives abroad now and we speak once every few months.

Siblings are overrated.

DivorceAdvicePlease123 · 25/10/2021 17:53

Only child here. I'm 37. I had a fantastic childhood with two loving parents who I had all to myself every day. My own room. I had friends and cousins to play with so I wasn't lonely, I had plenty of toys and books to keep me occupied when I was by myself. As an adult I am very independent and absolutely love my own company. But I am also very, very selfish with my time and don't want children at all myself. That may or may not be down to my upbringing.

PumpkinPie2016 · 25/10/2021 18:56

It's not at all selfish to have an only child.

My son is nearly 8 now and an only child. Like you, I didn't enjoy the first year. It was just really hard work and the physical recovery from an emergency c-section was hard. I did consider having another to 'give DS a sibling' when he was about 3 but I couldn't face it. DH is older than me and didn't mind either way.

I felt guilty for a while but I am so happy that I only have one now.

We have a lovely life. DS is a sociable little boy who has plenty of friends. He is well loved by us and our wider family.

I have a very demanding, full time job (I do love it but it is high pressure!) and only having DS means he still gets plenty of my time. I can devote time to facilitating his hobbies, doing things with him at weekends and supporting him with homework etc. I think I would struggle with 2 or more!

He's at a lovely age now where we can enjoy long walks in the Lake District or have a meal out which he will enjoy with us.

I have 2 siblings and I am close to one but never got on with the other, particularly when we were kids. There is really no guarantee siblings will get along.

foxy86 · 30/10/2021 18:07

I have a 9 year old and won’t be having anymore. It’s just not feasible. The thought of having another fills me with dread! Another couple of years and I’ll have my money back as he will be in high school so won’t need to pay for a childminder anymore. I am able to pay for a couple of after school activities for him too which I wouldn’t be able to afford if I had another. I came from a poor family with plenty of siblings and I now own a property and have a car and can provide my one child with the things i never had.

BridgeFarmKefir · 30/10/2021 21:53

I am in a similar position to you OP. I have a 3-year old. She's brilliant. But I didn't really like being pregnant and I'm not a person who's crazy about babies. To be honest while obviously I've always loved her it's recently that I've found we have loads of fun together.

I don't want another. I know my husband does. It's a conversation we're going to have to have soon. It's hard - he's one of 3 and actually has a tricky relationship with his siblings. I have a brother but he's disabled so I had a very different childhood/ sibling relationship with him.

Ive also found that people seem to have more extreme reactions to you saying you don't want to have another vs. Wanting to have a 2nd, 3rd, 4th even. I sometimes question if I'm being unfair. Maybe even missing something. But I don't think I am.

No answers I'm afraid, just solidarity

SlB09 · 30/10/2021 22:17

Just turned 4 year old here and and only recently starting feeling like maybe we could have another. I look at my LO and he's such a caring and sociable boy that I feel really Really guilty that he may not have a sibling. I'm acutely aware of the growing age gap too but my husband had cancer with chemo earlier this year so we're advised not to try for two years anyway (did sperm bank). I think we're both in the same head space where the first 2 years were so traumatic, reflux, allergies etc that not sure we could actually do it again but my heart and maybe hormones are starting to feel like there's a little space to fill in the family. At 2.5 NO WAY I would have even thought anything like that.

Nowifi · 31/10/2021 13:31

I have a 5 year age gap and it is very hard going back to the baby stage! I won't say I regret it as I love my second but it was a lot easier before and I miss the relationship I had with my first daughter, it makes me quite sad but that's probably me just being over dramatic

dorris88 · 31/10/2021 13:43

I was looking for this post. I have a DD and DSD and I've always imagined myself with two kids, however I too did NOT enjoy baby stage. I've loved her so much since she was about 18 months. We also have such an easy, happy and calm life.

However quite a large part of me goes through waves of longing for another when I imagine having a 6 & 3 year old. Not a 3 yo and newborn lol.

In my ideal world I would birth a walking totalling child lol

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