not sure why I am feeling deflated regarding family questions

[onlychildhamster]

Do any of you have family members who ask how many children you want and keep questioning why you want an only child? I don't have any kids yet, but am planning for only one. The main reason is because I want to have a child in my mid thirties (up to 37) and having an only child makes it easier to plan; I don't want to be pregnant any older than that even though i know many women do it these days.

So my SIL (who is unmarried and single btw) asked me how many kids I wanted, and at what age. I said one and in my thirties. She started talking about how women who have children earlier have a lower rate of breast cancer and how siblings are so much better for children (she is 1 of 4). my MIL tried to comfort me by saying that its ok to have an only child, just need to arrange more playdates. I actually tried to justify having an only child using costs- which aren't the only reason but easier to explain and usually shuts people up - £1600 childcare in London and the fact we have a 2 bed flat with a huge mortgage (and want to upgrade to a bigger flat) is generally not the best conditions for having multiple children. but neither MIL and SIL could understand that cos i guess MIL had 4 kids while on an extremely low income but that was in the 1990s and SIL gets benefits and still manages to get by (she is quite young and just out of university).

But thats the thing- while I am only 28, I have a taste of being a DINKY (double income family no kids) and its pretty great- ability to overpay mortgage while still going out to eat every week, overseas holidays, money for private dental treatment (maybe I can do without the luxuries, but I can't imagine what its like to live in pain cos you can't afford to spend thousands on teeth). So I am not willing to have a child earlier if I can't afford it (or move out to afford it which doesn't really work anyway due to commuting costs), and also I am conscious of the fact that inflation/destruction of the NHS could mean that even fairly essential stuff is a luxury and I never want to be in a situation where my child is in pain and I can't afford private medical treatment to ease his/her pain (NHS refused to treat my husband last year, he had to go privately and thankfully he had the insurance). I think having 1 child would be easier to deal with that scenario, paying for the health insurance premiums of multiple children just sounds like a really big commitment. I don't think most people understand such concerns so they just think you are selfish or slightly weird.

I think it just made me feel deflated cos I know I will meet many more people like that in the future. And they are nice people too. How do you all cope with it?

Not sure why you think it needs 'coping with'.
If you are confident in your choices, then explain if you want to, or not if you don't, and then say something along the lines of how we are all different and make different choices.
Lots of people find it difficult to grasp that other people think differently from themselves. You can choose to try and explain over and over or you can acknowledge that you think differently, and you aren't criticising their choices so you'd prefer it if they didn't keep criticising yours, and then move on to another topic.

However, this is all slightly theoretical at the moment. Many people think they would love a big family and then either can't, or, once they have had one, decide they don't want another. Other people in their 20s are adamant they don't want children and then change their minds. Other people plan one and then twins arrive.

There isn't much about it that is predictable.

Huh? I mean I know it’s late but I had to read that twice. You’re worrying about private dental treatment for your future kid(s)?

Either way, i think you’re overthinking it - just relax and see what happens in life. Most of it is out of your control anyway. And if people query your family set up in the future, you can tell them you’ve never lost a nights sleep with tooth ache.

@Realyorkshiretea more like if we had to pay for private medical treatment for everything! I mean, I do come from a country where you pay for medical treatment (not as bad as USA) but it did cost and my sister and I were fairly healthy children!

For 2 adults and 1 child, it's £200 per month for Bupa and £240 for 2 adults and 2 children. We do have private medical insurance from our companies right now but probably best to know how much it costs to get it outside of work. If one day it becomes an essential.

You haven't had the child yet.

See how you feel when they reach 2/3. Lao don't put so much pressure on yourself and your situation!

Honestly who cares what the SIL thinks! Maybe she slightly envies you making the choice to have one!

I have one and have thought about another but you know what happy , healthy .. lovely home and hubby...there's no pressure.

Good luck and enjoy your future bub x

We're one and done for various reasons and no one seems to "believe" us, it is very annoying I agree!! This was always our plan and it's even more so now we have our DS - no offence to DS who is the light of the world as far as I'm concerned

I have been asked about more children/had people lamenting DS being an only child whilst still pregnant/days after giving birth/whilst in hospital with a very ill premature baby etc etc...

I don’t understand why you are having these in-depth conversations about something that isn’t going to happen for years and is no ones business but your own.

We have one child, born when I was 39, by choice (both timing and number). I only ever discussed it with DH. There may well be people who think we’d been trying since our 20s, or that we weren’t able to have more children, but that’s irrelevant to me.

We have one. I never set out to just have one, but for lots of reasons that's what happened for us. We're a happy family.
In a way, it's just one of those things that people talk about for the sake of it. also men never get challenged on it, just women.
In the same way that if someone has two girls, they will be asked if they are planning to 'try for a boy'.
It's just mindless chit chat, or insensitive (if coming from closer family/friends). Hasn't happened to me much as I have sensible family and friends, but if people did comment I'd have a few stock phrases to embarrass them and then change the subject.
As DD gets older (11) no one asks about it anymore.
There's no real point in you discussing it at this stage anyway though, as it's all theoretical still.

Whether your arguments about private medical insurance are valid or not is irrelevant. The point is, you don't need to justify your choice to anyone. If you only want one child, that's entirely your choice.

You may change your mind further down the line or you may not. You may find that you are unable to have any children. Or you could end up pregnant with twins.

Whatever happens in the future, it will be for you and your dh to decide how you want your family to be. Other people can make their own choices.

You’re being quite ridiculous to discuss in so much detail something that might not even happen at all.

To throw another angle on it, I tried to have a baby in my 30s and then wasn’t able to at all, despite two rounds of ivf etc… so this whole theoretical discussion is pretty irrelevant.

If you want one child that’s nobodies business but your own but don’t spend so much time and energy getting bogged down in the minute detail.

And tell your SIL and MIL to just mind their own business in general

I do have to at people who have a "plan" about their lives, how many kids they will have etc. At 28, I wasn't having any kids. Now I'm 41 and have two. I know plenty of people who planned on having loads of kids and haven't been able to have any for various reasons. You can't control what happens in life, so there's no point getting into arguments with people about it.

When people draw you into these conversations, just shrug and say 'we'll see....'

I am always shocked that people feel it is their business/ right to ask these sorts of questions.

A family member of mine had one child and was then subjected to relentless pressure to have another from an older family member, because it would be "unfair" for the child not to have a sibling.

They did go on to have a second which the mother didn't particularly want, and honestly it hasn't worked out all that well. The second child, although of course loved and adored now he's here, has special needs and is not at all "easygoing" like the first was. They are having a very tough time of it with him.

Honestly, it's OK to be a bit direct with people sometimes and tell them it is none of their business. It's an incredibly personal thing to say and some people just don't seem to realise that. Certainly don't let them influence your decision in any way.