Decided not to have any more kids...

[MamaSJ15]

Hello, we currently have one child, DD age 2. We had a very traumatic birth with said child, where she almost had to grow up without a mummy, thankfully we recovered and here we are today. After this, we were adamant we couldn't go though that again and we were happy with one.
Then after a while, we thought, she needs a sibling, waited a few more months to make sure we were sure then started trying. We've been trying for 4 cycles with no luck and recently I had been having doubts. So had a discussion with DH and turns out he was too!
As much as I would love DD to have a sibling, I think there are too many other factors that outweigh that. E.g. the fear of the birth, and recovery (I would opt for a c section), the sleepless nights (neither of do well with little sleep!), The money is a Biggie too, we pay for full time childcare and we would really struggle with two and the savings we do have would dwindle to nothing covering maternity pay. We feel we would rather be able to enjoy our life and the time we have DD and not have all these worries over our heads. DD has 9 cousins, and has friends from nursery that are local who we try see fairly regularly and honestly, I do love the relationship I have with her.
Can I have others views on this please? I could keep going on but I think it's long enough already 😂 sorry!

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind and after going through what you described I totally understand choosing to stick at one child.

I have 2 but often think maybe stopping at one would have been better.

I think choosing to focus on the good things in your life and move forward with one child, sounds like the right choice for you.

@Whatinthelord thank you for your response. I think realistically it is the best decision for our family. I guess I was starting to feel an obligation to have another rather that actually wanting it if you know what I mean. My 3 siblings all have 3 kids and both me and DH are one of 4 so always had siblings about. My mum was an only child and said she hated it (but I don't think her childhood was happy generally, for other reasons) but my best friend is an only child and she said she loved it. I got very confused about what we should do!

If it's just worry about the birth, my second was a polar opposite. Nearly died, blood transfusions, surgery etc vs easiest labour ever for 2nd.

Money wise, free childcare places kick in at 3 and pre-school is a lot cheaper. School is then free bar after school or childminder, but again nothing compared to nursery cost. Still worth the nursery costs in the long run vs career break affect on your future salary.

I don't regret the 2nd at all and they are really close, it's nice. However, if it's not for you then that's also totally ok. They don't need a sibling and will just need more play dates, time with extended family etc to make up for it.

We decided we were only thinking of having a second for social expectations. It didn’t seem fair to have a child just because we felt we “ought to” give our dc a sibling.
He’s 8 soon and I love the stuff we can do together as a three which we wouldn’t be able to with a younger child in tow.

If you’re both having doubts, it sounds like stopping at 1 is a good choice for you. Your DD won’t grow up disadvantaged by not having siblings and it sounds like she has plenty of family and friends to keep her company.

We’d have loved another but due to fertility issues and health problems it hasn’t happened. DD is 8 and will be an only. She would have liked a sibling but she’s okay about being an only. She has cousins close in age who live nearby so she’s rarely lonely (only time she struggled was in lockdown when we could go in each other’s houses). It’s something I’ve come to grips with and she’s happy enough.

Honestly I think it’s probably one of those ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ Scenarios. My kids argue relentlessly and always crave one to one time. We never seem to enjoy time together yet one on one they are a pleasure.

@whataboutthecat thank you, the worry about the birth was the biggest worry to start with, after that I kind of felt okay about it cause, just like you said, I've been told 'it wouldn't happen again', 'you can opt for a c section'.
I guess I was feeling a bit guilty cause maybe I'm being selfish about it? But I've got a good career, and I can't afford to cut down hours or anything to lower childcare costs. We've thought about the lower childcare costs after they turn 3 but we'd also like to try buy a house in the next few years and this would be impossible with a second child and full time childcare fees as well as after school.
I think we'd rather enjoy the time with DD more without the worries over our heads cause then we'd be distracted. I want to be the best mum I can be.

@museumum yeah I agree, that's kind of how I've been feeling too. Nice to hear your views, thank you.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing first of all, I love your username 😂
I admit we don't see the family as often as we maybe could, but they always seem so busy (with all their 3 kids 😂). But we do playdates when we can 😊

@ThePontiacBandit I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, but nice to hear the result.

@Whatinthelord yes of course, there is that side of it! I do remember me and my sister relentlessly arguing when we were growing up, that can't have been fun for my parents 😂

@BeingATwatItsABingThing first of all, I love your username 😂
I admit we don't see the family as often as we maybe could, but they always seem so busy (with all their 3 kids 😂). But we do playdates when we can 😊

Thank you.

My DD1 is 6.5 years older than DD2 and I know I didn’t put enough effort into socialising with her in those years. She has a few cousins but they live quite far away. Until she went to pre-school and primary school, she didn’t really have many friends because I didn’t have any friends with children. My heart broke for her a lot. She has lots of friends now though and can play really nicely on her own or with others. She adores her sister and had started asking for one when DH and I were TTC but I think she would have been ok without a sibling too.

My dd is an only child thanks to secondary infertility. She is very happy being an only child, has great social skills and tons of friends. She is never lonely and has never wanted a sibling. She has lots of cousins and is very close to one of them in particular. We have an incredibly close relationship. I still have my career and my own life.

I didn't plan it this way, but if I was starting again, I'd only have one through choice now. Our family feels complete as it is.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I think the early years are hard because some children don't know how to play by themselves, which means it can be very full on for parents. But I think the fact that my DD goes to nursery full time (which she loves) means that when she comes home, she can sometimes just want to sit and do something by herself, even if it's just 5 mins. I hoping it means she will enjoy the quiet family life because everywhere is always so busy and full on 😊 and we LOVE going to the beach too!! (Just thought I'd throw that in there!)

@AlexaShutUp sorry to hear that, but sounds like you have a lovely family of 3. I completely agree with what you mentioned, the close relationship, career etc.
I found a thread last night called The joys of one, and the positive comments on there really put my mind at ease too. Such a lovely group of people on here to help 😊

I have one (6 yrs old). I also agonised about having another a couple of years ago then changed my mind for similar reasons to you.

He used to ask for a sibling when he was 2-4 yrs and it broke my heart. This had a big influence on me then wanting another which looking back was ridiculous!

Anyway fast forward to now and we're all loving life. He also has lots of cousins, lots of friends and ironically lots of our friends have also stopped at 1. There are also plenty of only child families at his school so it's clear that this is becoming far more common.

The pros for us - well the obvious one is that we only have one child to consider, we can put all our time into him but equally we get plenty of time to pursue our own interests. Only one set of school fees to pay, clothes, holidays, days out. Pretty much anything goes because we only have him to consider!

I don't doubt he would have been a wonderful big brother and at times I get a pang of sadness. But I don't think I would have been such a wonderful mother of 2, especially in the pre school years, because I'm clearly too selfish and protective of my own time!

I also don't look at it through rose tinted specs, those friends and family who do have 2/3 kids are stretched very thin, lots of arguing and stressed out parents. That's not the life I want.

Anyway if you do decide to have another, just make sure you do it for the right reasons. Which is primarily because the parents actually want another, rather than feeling guilt tripped into it!

IMO I'm a massive advocate for just having one, it's a lovely set up and we're all very happy

Think you have plenty of reasons for having one already.

Speaking as an only child myself though, I so, so wish I had a sibling.

Thank you @CasaBonita, what a lovely comment to make 😊 I'm starting to feel more like it's a good decision to make to stick at one. It means we will be able to move forward easier, take holidays, days out etc without worrying too much about the money. My siblings each have 3 kids and I see how stressed out they can be!
Me and DH have always like the simple life and I think we will both appreciate being able to continue this.
I really appreciate the positive comments 😊

@ponderingthisthing yes, for us personally I think it's the best thing.

I completely understand, my mum said the same thing (she was an only child). Which of course is one of the reasons it's been playing on my mind. But she also didn't have cousins nearby, and went to a very tiny primary school. My best friend is also an only, and she said she loved it growing up. I guess it all depends on the upbringing and situations personal to each person. I'm sorry you felt that way.

You have to do what feels right for your family but thought I would give another perspective on being an only child.

I’m an only child and had a very happy childhood growing up with my cousins. I hate being an only child as an adult though - my parents are getting old and dependent on me and there is nobody to share the burden or even talk to about them who understands. DH is one of 4 and we have 2DCS who are very close to each other - I feel jealous of their relationship.

If paying two sets of nursery fees is the main problem, maybe wait a bit so that your older child is receiving the 3yr old funding or about to start school? My DCs have a 3 yr age gap and that works well. I also had a terrible first birth but DD was out in a few pushes and home from hospital within a couple of hours!

@Chickoletta thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. There are many factors making us lean toward having only one child, the ones mentioned are the obvious ones, we have looked into various different way to be able to afford it comfortably and if we want to be able to do things and enjoy our life it's not easily doable.
I appreciate both sides of the situation for different reasons. But after hearing others' positives of having just one child, it has made me more sure about it 😊

[quote MamaSJ15]@BeingATwatItsABingThing I think the early years are hard because some children don't know how to play by themselves, which means it can be very full on for parents. But I think the fact that my DD goes to nursery full time (which she loves) means that when she comes home, she can sometimes just want to sit and do something by herself, even if it's just 5 mins. I hoping it means she will enjoy the quiet family life because everywhere is always so busy and full on 😊 and we LOVE going to the beach too!! (Just thought I'd throw that in there!)

@AlexaShutUp sorry to hear that, but sounds like you have a lovely family of 3. I completely agree with what you mentioned, the close relationship, career etc.
I found a thread last night called The joys of one, and the positive comments on there really put my mind at ease too. Such a lovely group of people on here to help 😊[/quote]
Can you please share link to that thread OP?

@CasaBonita

I have one (6 yrs old). I also agonised about having another a couple of years ago then changed my mind for similar reasons to you.

He used to ask for a sibling when he was 2-4 yrs and it broke my heart. This had a big influence on me then wanting another which looking back was ridiculous!

Anyway fast forward to now and we're all loving life. He also has lots of cousins, lots of friends and ironically lots of our friends have also stopped at 1. There are also plenty of only child families at his school so it's clear that this is becoming far more common.

The pros for us - well the obvious one is that we only have one child to consider, we can put all our time into him but equally we get plenty of time to pursue our own interests. Only one set of school fees to pay, clothes, holidays, days out. Pretty much anything goes because we only have him to consider!

I don't doubt he would have been a wonderful big brother and at times I get a pang of sadness. But I don't think I would have been such a wonderful mother of 2, especially in the pre school years, because I'm clearly too selfish and protective of my own time!

I also don't look at it through rose tinted specs, those friends and family who do have 2/3 kids are stretched very thin, lots of arguing and stressed out parents. That's not the life I want.

Anyway if you do decide to have another, just make sure you do it for the right reasons. Which is primarily because the parents actually want another, rather than feeling guilt tripped into it!

IMO I'm a massive advocate for just having one, it's a lovely set up and we're all very happy

Really resonate with this - thanks for posting

I am perfectly happy with one DC, in fact I knew even before he was born that I would never, ever even consider having another. I think emotionally it must be so hard to have more than one child (although I appreciate plenty of people do ), I just couldn't imagine having the emotional strength to support more than child, let alone the practical support needed.

My DS (now 20) is perfectly happy, he is very confident, sociable and outgoing, has huge circles of (different) friendship groups.

My DM is an only DC, she is now in her 80s but is very sociable and outgoing, easily makes friends, is never bored - she says she's always made the effort to make friends and it shows ... she is never lonely despite being widowed.

@isthisouting I am so sorry, I didn't see your message, I have tagged you in the thread I was referring to 😊

@Ragwort that is very nice to hear, thank you for sharing 😊 it's so lovely to have such positive responses!