Uni Blues

[Annietheangst]

My DS is leaving for uni in 5 weeks (300 miles away) & I feel heartbroken. No exaggeration. So very proud of him & KNOW he needs to spread his wings but DH works long hours & me & DS have always spent so much time together. He is totally the centre of my world. I just can't imagine not seeing him every day. I have anxiety too so travelling is an issue. We live in the sticks & he says he will never be able to live here again properly once he graduates as the work just isn't here. This is true. So it all feels like the beginning of the end - & that's without the possibility that he meets a girl from miles away too. All his close friends are staying local to work or further education. I'm so envious of their mums. I know it's selfish but I just can't stand the thought of him leaving. Help appreciated

I think you should be proud of the young man you have brought up, not let him know how you feel, and then focus on what you are going to do with the next stage of your life.
Being a parent is part of what I do. It is of course a massive part of me, but my entire world doesn't revolve around my adult dc being in our house. You will now have more time and more freedom that you have had for (at least) 18 years. What do you want to do with that?

Thanks for replying. I am enormously proud of him & definitely will not let him see or know how I'm feeling and I do work (from home ) so will still be busy but yes my world does revolve around him it's just evolved that way as we spend so much time together & I've been the hands-on parent. I will have more time for my work & hobbies for sure. I'm just not sure how to handle this feeling of grief and not seeing him for months at a time.

Allow yourself time to feel sad about the change, but importantly don’t let him know how deeply this is affecting you - he mustn’t be allowed to feel any guilt for going away. Your job as a parent is to have prepared him for this next step - that job is now nearly done and you can feel proud that you have helped to get him here. And then it’s time to look after yourself and determine what you want this next phase in your life to be.

Sadness when something good ends is natural - it reflects how good it was - but it will pass and leave space for new things.

Let yourself feel it, and watch how the feelings change and fade. Take care of yourself when you're struggling with both kindness and distractions. Explore new ways to spend your time and new goals to pursue.

Keep it in perspective that this is positive and the result of your great parenting. Also remember that you can't predict the future and to stay in the present. There is no point upsetting yourself with fears about what may happen in the future, and worrying about every day of the next three decades all at once is why the feelings are overwhelming you.

The feelings are natural and will resolve naturally if you respond in healthy ways.

Where these feelings become toxic and persist is if you don't respond in healthy ways or if you start trying to force them away by interfering with his independence (either directly or indirectly through causing him guilt at your distress).

Oh, and remember that this isn't the end of the relationship just the beginning of forming a parent-child relationship as adults, which can be just as positive and enriching albeit entirely different to what came before it.

I think you need to work on feeling more positive about changes for him - otherwise it'll be disheartening for him. To stop yourself feeling lonely why not take on a new challenge, job or hobby? My twins went to uni (different ones) in the same year so it went from busy to quiet with just me and DH but you need to focus on the positives and do things for yourself - not just for DS.

Thanks for helpful advice especially to you user16395699 & living in the moment. You're right I am looking & fearing things which are too far ahead to know at the moment. Just want to reiterate to you all though that DS is totally oblivious to my distress. I am being as bright & positive & cheery as I always have been with him. I would never do or say anything to make him feel guilty or responsible for me in any way. I do my crying in the shower & internalise it all (making me unable to eat or sleep). In some ways maybe the build up will be worse than the actual separation? Only time will tell. 5 weeks time to be exact! When he was little he was a ' clinger' . He had to be peeled off me at primary school & at parties. He's always been a home bird & socialises only with his small group of close friends. I think I'm shocked as much as anything that he's made this decision & to go so far away. So being concerned about his health & welfare is part of my issue too. I know it's natural I am just struggling with it on so many levels.

DH and I set ourselves projects when DS left for uni at the other end of the country.
We went to art-house films , trying to see many films by certain directors, for example. (Not everyone's cup of tea, I know... but we kept it up for a year or-so) We also went to galleries and museums more often and looked for special exhibitions. We're not particularly arty either!
Our DS went off without a backwards glance and thoroughly enjoyed his time as a student. I hope yours has a great time too. You"ll enjoy hearing all about it at Christmas, I'm sure.
We basically re-set our lives (or tried to) as just a couple again, going out more, treating ourselves, keeping busy and enjoying each other's company.
We also did things singly, i joined a craft group and a foreign language circle, DH got involved in local politics. Each to their own. But we did put some effort into it.

Nice ideas thank you. DH works long hours but I'm hoping to start a garden project at least. Did your DS come home after graduating or is he miles away?

When this happened to us we adopted an older child. It’s been a fabulous experience, one I’d recommend to everyone. Our empty house is now a buzzing home again and our second child is a joy.

Glad you found it useful. I think you're right that the anticipation will probably be worse than the reality - you have all the unknowns and uncertainties right now, but once it is here those will be gone and you can just deal with how things really are.

User16394699 I've actually copied & pasted your reply into my survival guide for the autumn !! Have you been through the same experience or are you 'just' wise? I have these two recurring thoughts which are causing me stress, the main one being that I will no longer be a mum. I know that's not entirely logical & that I will always be 'mum' to my boy but I will no longer be 'a mum' as my main occupation. I'm not entirely sure why this thought totally floors me. The other is just not being able to see him on a daily basis as I have for the last 19 years. I have always disliked whinging mums with empty nest syndrome thinking them selfish & pathetic. I really don't want to be that person

Adopt, adopt, adopt! Be a mum again to a child who really needs one. It’s SO fulfilling.

I don't think we have the capacity to do that though it must be amazing- financially/ practically it wouldn't work as we only have only have DS's bedroom (& ours) & he'll need somewhere for the holidays!