Finding things hard

[RaeRaeMama]

I'm really finding it hard at the moment

DD is 4.5 months and hasn't been sleeping much for the past 4-5 weeks. In the last week I've been really struggling to get her to nap as well, I can't put her down anymore without waking her. She's not sleeping at night much again, waking me every hour or less last night and at one point it took me 2.5 hours to put her down.

My house is a mess. It's just all a mess.

I look hideous. I haven't had my hair cut in 6 months and it's very thick so it's got to that point now where it just looks dreadful.

We do not have a lot of money and we're struggling with that also. I'm cutting things as much as I can but we have other responsibilities like pets.

My partner is knackered. I feel completely touched out. I never get any time to myself. My partner always wants me to do everything with the baby he is always trying to hand my daughter back to me.

He's not lazy, he is always trying to get things sorted round the house or in the garden, he's very much a doer. But that means even when we get to the weekend I am isolated I am alone I am stuck in this house with my baby. It's a never ending cycle.

I am disgustingly lonely, unkempt, angry at the world. I can't find myself.

In the middle of the night when she's had me up for the umpteenth time I do occasionally think about just killing myself to get out of it. I know that sounds really awful and dramatic, but I am just so lonely and I really hate myself. I feel pathetic. Why am I so bad at this, Why can't I stay on top of things.

My DP parents are coming to visit in a few weeks this is the first they'll have seen of my DD and they are bringing his sister and her family too. I'm breastfeeding and she still feeds a lot. I feel very anxious about the whole visit. I want the house to look nice. His parents made comments a few times about how we should move to something bigger (like money is no object or something?) we live in a two bed end terrace and have two cats and a dog as well, so it is a bit small maybe. But we're fine.

I just think I'm going to be either crumble or explode if they criticise me. I just can't take it. I do not like who I am. I'm angry and sad.

Yes my daughter is glorious, no I don't sit and regret it, but I feel like I'm reaching the end of being able to take it anymore.

Why am I writing this? Because I have no one to talk to about how I feel. I don't want to burden my partner anymore than I already have (I.e. a lot), my best friend doesn't have any children yet I just don't feel like she understands, my mum is away at the moment and I don't want to spoil her break.

@RaeRaeMama first up...you are not alone feeling this way. Second up your daughter is very lucky to have such a living and caring mum.
Don't for a second think that you are a bad mum.
What's happening is you are sleep deprived. I've been there.
If you can - try and get out of the house for a walk. Put bub in the pram. Even it's just around the neighbourhood or local park. Even 20 minutes out of the house makes a massive difference.

Also - who cares what the in laws think! Screw them! They should be helping not bring critical. Honestly I've been through the same and you know what - as long as the house isn't a complete state - it's all good. Plus they can make their own fucking tea! Make me one too. Sorry but if a rant there! Makes me so mad when people expect the works when your baby is so young.

And on that....it's hard now but just you wait in a few months she will be crawling and then before you know it like my DD who is 2 - chatting and running and just a ball of fun (most of the time!).

I used to worry what in laws think but the most important thing is you and your bub bring happy...

As for the best friend - invite her around or go for that walk together....it will be great company and good for you to chat to another adult. She's your best mate!

Stay strong awesome momma.

Much love

OP, this sounds so so tough. You are doing great, just keep putting one foot in front of another. You got this, mama.

Please get in touch with your GP for a wee chat, they are there for you.

When your little one is a little older, have you considered sleep training? Maybe worth having a read of what's out there and whether it is something you could do.

Consider joining Peanut or the equivalent, I think there are some local FB groups as well. I've had success meeting other local mums with babies of similar age to go for those walks and to get you out of the house.

Big hugs, OP. You are doing great. Keep swimming.

Oh love sleep deprivation is the hardest thing, I too had the most awful sleeper so I know how tough this can be. Plus you are breastfeeding which although wonderful is tough too because only you can do it.

I promise you it will get better, she will sleep better in time and you will feel better too. Try and sleep when she sleeps, it does help and get yourself into bed early. I always found having a shower and putting on some clean clothes and out for a walk with the dog made me feel better.

I think you also need a honest chat with your DH about some help at the weekend either taking her out for a walk in the buggy or sorting the washing out. Plus schedule some time with him and if DD is in a clingy phase and she just wants her mummy then park your bottom on the sofa with DD, get DH to make you both a cup of tea or whatever and just have a chat.

Unless your in-laws are awful people which they probably aren't then they'll know that once you have a baby your house looks terrible 😉 but if it makes you feel better tell them in advance the place is a mess.

It will get better xx