I don't even know what to call this...

[GAL8]

Ok. Prepare for an essay.

I'm really sorry to vent this on here but I have no one to talk to who would get it.

I have one child, DD (2.3)
When she was born she was rushed to ICU. She suffered a stroke. She's fine now. More than fine, very clever, switched on etc.

However the first year + was mentally incredibly hard for me. Trying to be a brand new Mum, then diagnosed with PTSD after the ordeal, watching her milestones are met like a hawk, there was little to no enjoyment in my head, sadly. FYI - I've always been anxious. I very much worry about the future, crossing millions of bridges I'm in actual fact nowhere near. You'd never think that if you met me; I appear chatty, confident, outgoing.

Anyway.
Im one of 3 kids. My partner is an only child. We keep talking about a second. I even went & bought folic acid, vit D etc several weeks ago (not used them)

I feel there is a pressure to have at least 2 kids. I know it shouldn't matter. But I find I almost have to excuse the fact I 'only' have one. Every time I think of having another, I just can't make my mind up. But it's on my mind EVERY day. Constantly thinking 'will I regret not having another in ten years time?' (Im 32)
Also what if I had another & there was something wrong with him/her? We had such a close scrape with DD to something like that happening I almost feel if we try again we are just 'asking for trouble?'
I don't know if I could cope if there was something wrong.. & I know that's all I'll think about throughout another pregnancy. Horrible pessimistic 'what ifs' clouding my head.
Then I think, well if I feel like this, it's best to play it safe & not have another.
Then I think, what if something happens to DD, then we are left with no children?

How do you know you want another? Is it a strong desire? I never wanted to be a mum when I was pregnant with DD, but now we are the best of pals & I'm so glad I had her.

I often think if all the trauma hadn't happened, would I find it easy to just get on with it & have another? I don't look forward to the newborn stage, etc, but the reward DD has given us outweighs that & I tell myself that'll be the case for another. Maybe (!)

I'm sorry to bang on, I probably sound unhinged. I just need to speak with people who don't know me I think. & to get all this out of my head.

I have one child. I am also an only child. I don’t really think anything of it. My DH is one of 4 and my DC has lots of cousins because of this though. I do too and we are all relatively close. I have lots of friends and so does my DC, who is 17.
If you want a bigger family go for it. I think maybe as I am an only one and was always very happy as a child I didn’t really think I needed more that one myself. Financially having 2 would have been difficult for us. We are now financially comfortable but a lot older. But that’s wasn’t why we didn’t have another. We were just happy with one. Oh, and the dog, who even my DC calls brother. That’s our family and we are happy with it.

One of my dc was in /out of hospital for 10 months as a newborn.. I was desperate to have a other dc to try and 'cancel out' the memories of baby +hospital =stress and not enjoying him properly... I had a dc when he was 2 and a half... I have a great relationship with the dc that was poorly. In fact he brags how I was there for him 24/7 and nursed him in hospital!! He is nearly 20 now!! Younger dc was a dream baby, no toddler issues and is now 17 and still no bother!! Glad I had another...
No 2 pregnancies are the same. And def no 2 dc either... Sorry you had a scarey time with your dd. It does stay with you but good memories can be added also!!

I had a similar experience to you op. I feel an extremely strong desire to have another. I want to experience a 'normal' time with a newborn and hope this will be a healing experience. This desire is much stronger than my concern about something going wrong again, although I do of course worry about that. I also have always wanted for ds to have at least one sibling.

I have 1 child and we are really happy. We experienced secondary infertility although I had HG when pregnant and was in and out of hospital. I also suffered very badly with PND and PNA so having 1 may have been a blessing in disguise

I had exactly the same feelings. High risk pregnancy and then a prem baby. I was very traumatised. The reason I went for another, is because I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. So I realised that I must not be completely comfortable with the idea of only one child. I had another and she ended up in NICU too and also has a physical disability. But I’m happy with my choice and she’s amazing. However I’m never ever ever having another baby. I’m 100% certain and all those what ifs have gone away.

P.S., if you do have another, your ‘what if my child dies and I’m left with none’ worry will be replaced with ‘what if both my children die’ or ‘what if one child dies and the other is traumatised for the rest of their lives from their sibling dying’ Anxiety will just latch on to any situation you’re in.

I often think if all the trauma hadn't happened, would I find it easy to just get on with it & have another? I don't look forward to the newborn stage, etc, but the reward DD has given us outweighs that

Probably. If the trauma hadnt happened then you wouldn't have the fear. But you do now. Have you thought about counselling OP?

My first baby died after he was born, I had my DD 2 years later and I was fine. Thoroughly enjoyed DD as a baby and have nothing but fond memories of her as a baby.

2 years later I had another DS and it was horrific. He looked the double of his brother and it was incredibly hard. I developed PND and spent the first year of his life worried sick he would die. He was a perfectly healthy baby aside from small weight but I was absolutely terrified with him.

Hes 4 now and I look back at that time of our lives and wished I'd gotten help for those thoughts and the worry. I didnt think I needed help at the time though. I knew the fear came from my first baby but I didnt realise how not normal it was to be that worried and anxious

I've no advise whether you should have another or not but I really do advise getting some counselling and they can help you and the way you feel X

P.S., if you do have another, your ‘what if my child dies and I’m left with none’ worry will be replaced with ‘what if both my children die’ or ‘what if one child dies and the other is traumatised for the rest of their lives from their sibling dying’ Anxiety will just latch on to any situation you’re in.

This is really true OP

I had an awful pregnancy and birth with our first. He had to be resuscitated at birth ( EMCS)and it was touch and go for a while. He was continually poorly as a baby until about 8 months. Was under hospital care until 18 mths, three visits to paediatrician. I wasn’t sure I wanted another because of all that but also didn’t want an only. Then I fell pregnant and miscarried about 6 -8 weeks. I was really upset. After a while I decided I would like another and we talked about it. Fell pregnant fairly quickly had a much easier pregnancy and birth ( normal delivery) and he was a really easy baby. I went on to have another and later on a surprise pregnancy so have four DC now. Each pregnancy was different and each birth. All different as babies/ toddlers. Now all grown up. I love them to bits.

You don’t sound unhinged at all just cautious to do with the trauma.

So much love and support from all of us!!!
I guess you need to work out if your desire for another trumps the fear.
Lots of people telling you their stories may help to reassure and give perspective.

I had my first child in tragic and difficult circumstances. I always knew I wanted a second but husband was terrified. I thought the second would give me a normal maternity leave. Its been hard in a different way. The pregnancy was harder and there has been huge stress from a different source and child was very hard for 4 months. So it's not given me 'magical ' time back and it's a hard slog. But I have two healthy children and the second is becoming easier. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. You have time to decide too. I noticed that lots of people I knew got pregnant around the time their first turned 2. It amplified the feelings for me but having a larger age gap than that does not mean they won't get on. In fact, it might make it easier.
Good luck and lots of love xx

I also had an extremely traumatic birth, our DD's shoulder got stuck and she was in NICU for two weeks. She is absolutely fine and we were so very lucky there, it could have gone horribly the other way and it left me with extreme trauma and fear that it will happen again. I recently fell pregnant and was so frightened I miscarried or I may have miscarried anyway but what I would say is go and have counseling before you even begin to try, if you do.

My DD is 2.5 years and there is a huge hole where another should be. We had a partial molar before her and in the time we have been trying most people have had at least two. My husband is also terrified not only of the 12 week scan but also of another birth.

I still very much hope for another but am still frightened although it is better so I know how you feel in terms of the wanting to but also the what ifs. A bigger gap isn't necessarily a bad thing, no they may not play together as little kids but as older kids and adults they will have more in common and let's face it they will be older for far longer than they are little.