To stop at one after so much loss

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I'm really just looking for advice here.

My eldest DD died in 2017 at 10.5 months old. She had a genetic condition that was diagnosed after she was born, and we also learnt we have a 1 in 4 chance of having another affected child.

My 2nd DD came alone in 2019 and she is healthy and thriving.

I have just recently has a TFMR at 14 weeks, sadly this baby had the same generic condition and we chose not to continue due to the quality of life they would have. It was a very wanted pregnancy and we are devastated. The delivery was tough and I ended up pretty unwell and in theatre.

With the 1 in 4 chance of this happening again, I feel like we need to stop trying to have another and to close this chapter, and enjoy my one living daughter (who is amazing)

My heart always saw us having another child but I just don't think we can chance those odds again. DH is happy to keep our family as it is, but would also try for another in a while if I wanted to.

Time is on my side, I'm only 28, but I wouldn't want a huge age gap if we did have another. I think I just need to come to terms with no more pregnancy/baby days.

Sorry for the ramble, I think I'm looking for reassurance that my daughter will be okay as an only and this isn't the end of the world. I come from a big family and I am very close with all my adult siblings so I'm sad we won't be gifting her that, even though there is no guarantees they would even get on.

I am so very sorry for your losses
I don't have any experience of this but I would say that you need to take your time over the decision.
You don't have to decide now; you could give it a year (or whatever length of time feels right) and revisit it then. There are positives to having bigger age gaps, so it doesn't have to be a "now or never" situation.

Bless and sorry for your loss. Whatever your decision is, don't be feeling you're depriving your child of a sibling - I had a 9 year gap - you do what's right for you

Thank you both for your replies 💐

I think you are right that I need to give myself time and not rush to any decision. I know for a fact I do not want to be pregnant any time soon. I think I will try to just enjoy this time as our little family and have the conversation later down the line. It's hard when your future seems like it's going one way then suddenly it isn't anymore 💔

I am very sorry for your losses. Is the condition one that could be tested for at an embryo stage, if you were able to go for IVF? Expensive obviously but thinking how you could reduce the odds.
Your dd will be ok whatever happens as she is clearly very much loved

I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much loss. I've heard of people having IVF and having embryos screened for genetic conditions before being transferred. I know someone who had this drone successfully as her and her husband were CF carriers.

I’m an only child. And never missed siblings or wanted any. As far as I’m concerned, being an only child was (and is) great.

So I don’t think your daughter is gonna miss anything. Being an only child will just be a normal situation for her.

But I understand where you’re coming from. I know my daughter (15 months) will be absolutely fine if she remains an only child.

My issue is that I’ll be 43 next month. Had DD at 41. Not a conscious decision, just met DH later in life. We’re trying for a sibling, have been for over a year. No success. DD happened after three months of trying (first month no success, second month mc at 5 weeks, third month rainbow baby)

We are willing to try and put up with any potential heartbreak. All you can do is try. You have a fair chance at success. Grab it! Yes it could go wrong and there might be tears and pain involved, but you might just be lucky.

I wish you all the best. If you feel you can deal with the pain of complications for the sake of having another healthy baby eventually go for it. Otherwise you’ll always think “what if ...”

Hugs
Kxx

We were offered IVF with genetic selection after the death of my DD. We looked into it seriously but it was a very intense process with a 25% success rate so we decided against it.

It was the right decision for us as we then got lucky and had DD2 naturally.

As we now have a healthy child we can no longer have IVF on the NHS and we absolutely cannot afford to go private, we are not big earners by any means.

I think I just need to take some time out and not rush into any decisions. Not close the door,maybe keep it ajar.

Thanks so much for all your responses they have really helped ❤️

How awful for you. Would you be able to consider egg selection? I don’t know much about this at all but I do remember reading about a couple who got the ladies eggs harvested and tested for a genetic condition and basically got pregnant with the egg that was without any issues? It might not be for you, but it might also be an option if it’s offered in the uk, I’m not sure if it is as I believe this was America but might be worth looking into?

Sorry I just saw your above post explaining!

Very sorry for your loss.
I can so relate to your experience.
I also have a genetic condition with 1/4 chance of inheritance, in my case it causes a fatal fetal abnormality that can be picked up on ultrasound. I have had 2 affected pregnancies with TFMR after 20 weeks and have one healthy living child aged nearly 6.

Didn't get the genetic diagnosis until after the 2nd affected pregnancy. When I found out there was a reason and it wasn't just bad luck I was almost relieved. It took a long time to process and we also went around and round in circles considering whether it was worth the risk to try again, whether my son would be happy as an only child etc etc. In hindsight this mental battle was the most difficult aspect as it was very very isolating, and I was quite resentful and angry, so if you can get some counselling or support from any charities I would recommend.
In the end we took the risk as I am 38 and not much time left of fertility, didn't even know if i would get pregnant to be honest, so we said we would try for 6 months. I didn't want to regret not trying, I felt the likelihood of that regret was stronger than the 25% chance of recurrence, if I did get pregnant.
I am now 26 weeks pregnant with things looking healthy, the relief was immense to get through the anomaly scan. Had really good care and monitoring from genetics team early on. I still don't take anything for granted with this pregnancy, but I do feel happy and glad that we tried.
What I would say is that it sounds like you are quite soon after your TMFR, you need to give yourself a lot of time to process the grief and don't feel rushed into making a snap decision. Before we decided to TTC i had already accepted that we could have a happy life as a family of 3 and that was an important step emotionally.
Wish you all
the best

@pleasehope thank you so much for sharing your experience, your very similar experience! I am so sorry about your two TFMR, sending you so much love for the rest of your pregnancy.
You have given me hope that things can work out ❤️ I'm so sorry it took as long as it did for you to get a genetic diagnosis xx I can't even imagine xx

It's a wierd one as even amongst people who have had TMFR, I feel like an exception to the rule as for most ppl it's an unfortunate chromosomal error due to chance and their risk in subsequent s pregnancies is small.
Time to think does definitely help, I never ever thought we would TTC again, but here I am. Take the time to process what you've been through though