Please help me come to terms with this..

[BooseysMom]

I've been on mumsnet for years now and often can be seen frequenting the 40+ ttc threads and now more recently the one child families thread.
A second never happened and with the big 50 looming I am going through hell beating myself up after not being able to provide a sibling for DS. We did try for another on and off for 4 years but having DS at 41 meant I felt exhausted and like I couldn't cope with another as well as him. Now I hate myself for not trying harder to conceive. It's too late and I wake up every night fretting and crying. Peri symptoms keep me awake and then this endless worry going around and around in my head.
Can anyone please help me to come to terms with this and reassure me that siblings are not the be all and end all!! ...I'm so depressed and feel so bloody guilty
Thank you xx

I come from a background of big families, but the happiest person I know is my cousin who was an only child. She has an amazing relationship with her (now quite elderly) parents, oozes confidence, and has achieved so much in her life. When she found herself unexpectedly pregnant with a second baby she was initially horrified because all she wanted for her son was to give him the sort attention and opportunities she'd had growing up without siblings. It's an anecdote of one, but honestly there's real advantages to being an only child and no guarantee that siblings would get along.

I’m one of 5 and used to fantasise about being an only. I know several only’s and they’re all happy kids.

I'm an only child and I bloody love it! Always had my mum to myself, didn't have to compromise with siblings about choosing meals/activities/holidays etc. Don't pity only children, it's great.

I have just one, even though I imagined myself with many.

He’s 17 and a very good, happy, self sufficient kid. He feels sorry for his friends putting up with annoying siblings. He loves that he gets to choose so much at home & knows how lucky he is. He is quite mature in conversation, having spent a lot of time with us and GPs. He’s kind, cooperative and interesting.

We’ve been on some amazing holidays as a trio - cruising has worked well for us, the 3rd person in a room is very cheap so he’s been all over the world and made lots of friends on the ships too. We wouldn’t have done this with more DC.

Of course, there are downsides, but we have no option to appreciate the good! And the biggest voice, to me, is DS who doesn’t mind one jot.

@justwant2beamum..I love you

In fact I love you all... THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I'm shouting because I'm in tears as I write this and am so grateful to you lovely MN'etters

What really got me down was when I saw a mum at the park with her older boy holding hands with his little brother and hugging him.. I really didn't need that! I just have to find a way through this ...I feel like I'm wading through treacle every day!

DH is an only and considers that the ideal. We actually have two and he feels guilty all the time that he can't give them enough one-on-one time or always give them what they want because we have to consider both of them.

I sometimes get very upset about not having a second. A combination of events including previous miscarriages meant that I wouldn't have coped ttc & either miscarrying again or having issues conceiving. Plus with no family around & DH working long hours for my MH it ended up being the right choice.
My DD loves that she gets all of our love & attention. She did go through a period of being hugely upset at being an only, all her friends have siblings. So.....we got a puppy & that has brought her so much joy.
With 1 it has meant we've been able to afford things we couldn't have done with 2
I know several only adults & they are lovely, well balanced, happy people.

DP is an only and he had a wonderful childhood, no sibling squabbling or fall outs, loads of friends. He had zero issues as an adult and a wonderful relationship with his parents.

Stop beating yourself up, he'll be fine!

OP, I had a similar experience to you. Always planned to have two, but didn't due to secondary infertility. I found it really hard to come to terms with initially, and I felt so guilty.

DD is 15 now, and she is honestly the happiest, most well-adjusted kid I know. Incredibly confident, fantastic social skills and tons of lovely friends. We have a really close relationship - much closer than most of her friends are to their parents. She has never wanted a sibling and considers herself lucky not to have had to deal with sibling rivalry, constant comparisons, siblings who don't get on etc. She has also benefited from more time, attention and financial resource being lavished on her. From her perspective, there are genuinely no downsides, and if I could go back now and change how things panned out, I wouldn't...not because I didn't want another child for myself, but because I actually believe now that dd has been much better off as an only child.

I do still have some concerns about what happens when we are older, and whether dd will find it a burden to be the only one to support us. However, I bear the entire burden of caring for my own elderly parents despite having a sibling, so there are never any guarantees. We are also planning ahead to ensure that we minimise any burden as much as possible.

Grieve for the child that you couldn't have, by all means, but grieve the loss for yourself and not for your existing child. I have learned from experience that being an only child can actually be an incredibly positive thing, and from the perspective that I have now, I am actually grateful that we were able to give that gift to our dd.

Oh gawd siblings are not that important! I have a brother who isn't interested in his family. He walked out of our lives when he met his (now) wife. Gradually from the age at 17-21 he distanced himself. I haven't spoken to him in 6+ years. He hasn't spoken to his own mother in that time! Not through lack of trying on our parts. He's just not interested.

I have to say I also have zero relationship with my sibling. We just don’t get on, never did. I’m pretty sure we never will and I have made my peace with it. Yes there are adults who have incredibly close relationships with their siblings but there are undoubtedly a similar amount who have no relationship at all.

Do you think some of your feelings might be your own feelings about not having the opportunity to have another baby and what you might have enjoyed and cherished if your life had gone down that path?

I have 2 older siblings and we might as well be not related as we are that different. I'm not going to tell you to stop beating yourself up as I have been in your position berating myself for not having another and I realise now it was irrational but it's also an important feeling for you to recognise and make peace with. I think your son sounds happy and hopefully one day you will come to a better place with it all. It's so hard though I know!

Hi, I'm an only as my parents struggled to conceive. I had a wonderful childhood and am so close to my parents as an adult. There are no awkward issues about who to bubble with, or childcare or where to spend Christmas etc. I don't miss siblings as I never had them and I just kind of see the advantages rather than the disadvantages. Please don't worry, your son is super lucky to have invested, attentive parents.

Op, I am an only- child and i've never once wished for a sibling. Not even now that my parents are no longer here. Sometimes I spend 5 minutes on Xmas day wishing for that big family gathering you see on TV - then I see my friends posting on facebook about what utter arseholes their sister/uncle/neice/granny is and I revel in the bliss of my little family.

My partner is also an only-child who loves it. She was adopted at 8 months after being abandoned as a baby. Her adoptive parents couldn't have any of their own, so that was that.

My DS will be the only one. We've had several years of fertility treatment and some losses. I'm 40 this year and I just don't want to go through it all any more. I have my baby and he is enough.

Huge families aren't the be all and end all. In fact, looking at all of my friends, I only have one person who I would say has a close relationship with a sibling. The rest fight like cat and dog. My own parent's detested their siblings.

Let it go. It's too much baggage. Go enjoy your wee one.

[quote BooseysMom]@justwant2beamum..I love you

In fact I love you all... THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I'm shouting because I'm in tears as I write this and am so grateful to you lovely MN'etters

What really got me down was when I saw a mum at the park with her older boy holding hands with his little brother and hugging him.. I really didn't need that! I just have to find a way through this ...I feel like I'm wading through treacle every day![/quote]
That is a 20 second snapshot of a dream. The reality is, she will take them home and within minutes they'll probably be battering seven shades of shite out of each other because they both want the same toy. Or one wants to watch something the other doesn't.

I knew two sisters who were a competitive nightmare. What one got, the other had to have. It was morning to night squabbling. Their mother was frazzled trying to referee them for 18 years! I think she was glad to see the back of them when they left home.

We watch TV and movies and we are sold a dream and real life is not always like The Walton's. In fact, it's more like The Addams family.

Thank you all, you wonderful ladies! Great
to hear all your experiences and really inspiring stories. It really helps me find a way through this towards peace.

@BrainFoggerty...thank you. It's a lovely idea to get a puppy. I'm trying to talk DH round atm! We got a hamster instead and now DS (who thankfully has never expressed any interest in wanting a sibling) says we're a family of four!

@AlexaShutUp.. what a brilliant story and written so beautifully! Thanks for sharing it. Your DD sounds wonderful. I hope DS will grow up to be as lovely!
Re. Elderly parents, I also worry about DS bearing the burden of us ageing but like you we are planning ahead. Also i'm going through the same thing with a half sibling who has zero interest in helping me with my elderly father. I haven't seen him for years since I paid the bill for his hugely over-priced meal for his big birthday a few years ago and didn't receive one word of thanks! It leaves a bitter taste. I think I wanted to create a perfect family unit with siblings who cared for each other and in reality it's often far from being perfect.

@OneForTheJourney...I have a brother exactly the same and wonder if I'll see him again as he leaves the care of my ageing dad all to me while he does exactly what he wants all the time.

@justanotherneighinparadise.. I know just what you mean!

@HowLongTo2022..Yes I do think it's a big contributor. I think it's a proper mid life crisis tbh! I did enjoy being preg, apart from the heartburn, and wanted to have the experience again.

@Lemmings123... thank you

@WillowSummerSloth...thank you so much, that's a lovely thing to say

AlexaShutUp.. what a brilliant story and written so beautifully! Thanks for sharing it. Your DD sounds wonderful. I hope DS will grow up to be as lovely!

Thanks @BooseysMom, I'm glad it helped. And yes, my dd is amazing in so many ways. She brings me so much pride and joy that I genuinely can't imagine how having more dc would make me any happier. Your ds is enough, and he will bring you the same joy.

I am one of three . I don't have many memories of my mum or dad giving me attention or spending quality time with me as a child. I think my siblings raised me even though they were a few years older theirselves. We were fed and kept healthy and warm but our emotional needs weren't met. My mum was always angry with anyone coming onto her path. We were often told off for anything and not allowed to stand up for ourself. As a result of that we all have self confidence issues. I fell pregnant at 21 years old and it never crossed my mind to tell it to my patents. If i felt like my parents and i were in the same team and if i had their support i am sure i would have kept the baby. If that ever happens to my daughter i don't want her to feel helpless like i did. I am making sure than she knows she is loved unconditionally and she always have our support. Clearly my mum couldn't cope with 3 children. I think she should have sticked with 1 if any but she had more so that we had siblings later in life. At 42 years old now i realise how much emotional abuse she put us through and i am very sad for the children we once were. I have only 1 and i am a good mum. I don't think i would be a good mum if i had more. I have a tamper like my mum but it is easier to keep calm when you have only 1 well behaved child. Better having 1 happy child than having 2 unhappy. Most important thing is wellbeing of our children after all xx

@AlexaShutUp.. thanks so much

@Lynsey5.. thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear your upbringing was so difficult. I have had a similar experience when I was a child and had a very overbearing mother and older brother who always shouted me down so I grew up with little confidence which DH feels has negatively affected my whole life.

If I had a DD I would never treat her like that if she fell pregnant. I would support her as you would.

Yes it's a good point that the wellbeing of your child is the most important thing, not the amount of siblings they have . I will try and remember this.
Thank you.

@PatsyStone39..
*That is a 20 second snapshot of a dream. The reality is, she will take them home and within minutes they'll probably be battering seven shades of shite out of each other because they both want the same toy. Or one wants to watch something the other doesn't.

I knew two sisters who were a competitive nightmare. What one got, the other had to have. It was morning to night squabbling. Their mother was frazzled trying to referee them for 18 years! I think she was glad to see the back of them when they left home.

We watch TV and movies and we are sold a dream and real life is not always like The Walton's. In fact, it's more like The Addams family.*

Just wanted to say thanks for this post. It's so very true that we are sold a dream of the perfect family and the reality is often so very different.

As a 41 year old mum of one (2.5 years) I am thrilled to read this thread. My only is already extremely social (when we see people on walks or at parks!) and hugely confident, is extremely close to both me and DH - she wants to make friends everywhere we go so I absolutely can't wait for her to return to nursery. It is hard though OP. All 5 cousins are in different countries. I worry about this more than I should but she's seriously more well adjusted than me, so it's been a delight to read that this is the case for many onlies throughout their lives

Have a read of this OP

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4117986-to-ask-for-your-stories-of-life-as-an-only-child

I remember being envious of my friend who was an only - her and her parents had a really nice vibe like they were friends and they did more fun stuff together then the traditional families who (in my 12 year old mind) were dragged down by fussing about younger siblings.