It shouldn't be this difficult! Why can't I make a decision?

[JC17fj74]

We have a happy lovely and easy Dd who will be 4 in April.
We love our life as it is the 3 of us, he sleeps well, we have our evenings back and going on holiday or days out are easy as he's independent enough to go with the flow.

BUT I am still unsure whether we want another child. I never knew it would be this difficult to actually make a decision! Surely it should t be this hard?! My MIL says I'm over thinking things too much ( I am an over thinker tbf)

PROS:
I would love to be pregnant again I really enjoyed pregnancy, and everything that went with it the scans the kicks, the different stages etc. I even enjoyed the birth.
It would be nice to have a tiny baby again and go through all the stages again.
One of my main PROs is DS would have a sibling, I keep being told by people when me and DH are no longer around who will DS have if he hasn't found a wife or had a family of his own? 😢

CONS
Sleepless nights again I really struggled with that as I love my sleep.
Change. Change in our lives again, routine and things WILL change with a baby.
Is it fair to have to share us with another child for DS?

I know no one can give me an answer as ultimately it's our choice but I just feel so on the fence and I don't know how to choose. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo 😭

Do you have a large family or does your partner? What does your partner think?

Ironically enough I'm actually an only child. I am fine with it and no no different so was always happy growing up.

husband has a brother who is 11 years older than him and they are not close at all.

He is unsure like me, wants another maybe so DS has a sibling and says it would be 'nice' but we are still going backwards and forwards with it.

We had a similar discussion. We had DD and thought we were done with one - DH is an only child and many in his family stopped at one. However when DD was nearing two, we decided we would like her to have a sibling - so DS came along.

It did change things but DS is a very good/easy baby so sort of "slotted in" without too much change - DD loves her baby brother but she did become and still is quite clingy - she also regressed a little bit but is back on track now.

We are now considering a third....

They’re all valid points, but yes only ultimately you & DH can make the the decision. Everyone will have an opposing opinion to the points you’ve made.

I had all these preconceptions of what having a second child would be like but ultimately I had a second because I wanted too, and the reality was so much different to the ideas I had. I think you can make all the lists you like but it comes down to whether you instinctively want a second or not.

Please don't have a second baby so your child has company in later life - there's no guarantee they'll get on, live on the same continent or even like each other that much. And what if the second baby you bring into the world "for your DS" needs lifelong care and that then becomes his responsibility after you've gone?

I'm not saying don't have a second - but as a pp said it should be because you instinctively want one, not some misguided idea of your DS possibly being lonely in 40 years time.

(Disclaimer, I am a single only child without children and I am happy, but sick to the actual back teeth of people asking me how I'll cope in old age. Having a sibling to worry about wouldn't make my old age any easier!)

There’s 5 years between my two DC and it’s an awful gap. They’re not close at all. If I could change anything, I’d have had them much closer together.

Having said that, I’d rather have DS2 than not have him! He’s adorable. But two kids are definitely harder than one.

Have a second baby because you want a second baby, not for a sibling to the child you already have.

I have much experience through my own family (with my sibling, my dad and his 8 siblings, my mother and her one sibling) and that of DH (between him and his 5 siblings). Plus looking around at friends and their set-ups, NOTHING guarantees a good sibling relationship.

As for who looks after you in old age: I'm in EU, brother in NZ, parents split up two different UK cities - who is going to look after them? There are no guarantees of anything.

Have another child if you love kids and want to bring another mini-you into the world but for no other reason.

It's so hard but as others have said -if you have a second, donit because you and your partner want a second, not for your first child.

I am one of 3 - my brother is 5 years older than me and we have always been very close - even as young children. My sister is 4 years younger than me and we didn't have a great relationship growing up. We are still not massively close as adults obviously, I love her as my sister but we are very different people.

All of your pros/cons are very valid (although that obviously doesn't help you make the decision ).

My son is 7 now and I have pretty much always been in the one and done camp - difficult birth and he wasn't an easy baby, however, last year I did wobble and think maybe we should have another. Various life stuff means we didn't go for it and recently, I've wobbled again. I'm 34 so maybe that makes a difference

Logically, it's a terrible idea! DS is at a nice, easy stage. Eats well, sleeps well, settled in school, easily entertained and we can do spontaneous things without it being a trauma. We have some plans to extend our house which we have wanted to do for ages and it's getting underway with the design work. I have a job that's demanding but I love and I have had 2 promotions since DS and I am potentially looking for the next rung up in the coming year or so. We are fortunate to be financially secure, DH is able to work very part time so he can take DS to/from school.

In other words, life is pretty perfect, so, like you, I think, why disrupt that? Why go back to sleepless nights, nappies, bottles, weaning, toilet training and toddler tantrums but there is just a little niggle in me

@JC17fj74 OP just wondering if you have decided..

I'm also in the same boat except my DD is 2.5 years.

Interesting that you said you were an only....could you tell me what was your experience of that?are you close with your parents? Did you have lots of friends growing up - felt you were able to do more ? Mum has more time with you. Just interested.

No one with a sibling ever says they felt they had
to share their parents- they just accept they have a sibling (on the whole way better than having your parents to yourself). Tbh I’m finding the sleepless nights with my second easier as I was better prepared and less of a shock to my system.
Yes your life will change, maybe even more chaotic at first but you will find a new rhythm just like you did with your first.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that is what I do keeping thinking ...that I will be able to cope with the lack of sleep as I'll be prepared and it doesn't last forever!

Oh why is this so difficult

In exactly the same boat as you OP but our DD is 2. Cannot come to a decision at all and every time I think we have I seem to waver again.