Feel at my limit with one but guilty for not providing a sibling

[animaux19]

I have a toddler who I adore but the truth is I already feel at my limit and find a lot of parenting quite monotonous and frustrating. I've had issues with mental health my whole life and it's a huge battle to stay in a good place. In order to be the best version of myself and a good mum I really feel the need time to focus on my career, myself and my DH as well as parenting.
I have a really good relationship with my sibling and feel I'm depriving my child of this and as I'm approaching my late 30s so really feel under pressure to make a decision.

Anyone else feel similar? What did you decide to do? Wish I could find peace and make a decision!

I have one son who is 7 now. I am 34 (DH is quite a bit older than me) and we decided to stick at one. Our DS is great and we obviously adore him, however, he wasn't an easy baby by any stretch and I really struggled with the first 18 months.

Like you, I have a good career and want to continue to progress in that, so another baby would have quite an impact.

I also got to a point that I couldn't face going back to the baby stage again once DS got to about 3, life suddenly became so much easier. He sleeps well, eats well and is now a lot more independent. I feel like I/we can give him a lot of time and attention which we probably couldn't with two.

In terms of siblings- there are really no guarantees they will get on. My brother is 5 years older than me and we have always been very close. My sister is 4 years younger and in all honesty, our relationship was never good. Even now, we aren't close -I love her but we are very, very different. My son has lots of friends and in normal times, I make sure we invite them to play etc. He seems happy - likes time with his friends but is also happy to chill at home.

Don't be silly!!

Very many of us have siblings that we dislike or have nothing to do with.

I have a few DC but if you are one and done then that is right for you, no ifs or buts.

I’m in a similar position, I’ve got a 15 month old DD. I was so unhappy when she was first born as she cried all the time and didn’t sleep but have enjoyed being a parent a lot more in the last 6 months or so. I just can’t imagine going through the baby stage again, it gave me quite bad anxiety and depression. She’s a lot easier now but I still find it hard work and miss having time to myself! I do feel guilty about not giving her a sibling but plenty of siblings don’t get on - my sister and I aren’t very close and argued a lot growing up.

You never know. Having 2 made life much harder for 18 months but now we are reaping the benefits, especially jn summer, they keep each other entertained for hours

I was always in two minds about having another and circumstances never allowed it to happen anyway. I was nearly 41 when I had DS and although we tried it never happened.. I'm 49 soon and still long for another. I don't know if that longing will ever go. I think if you have another you are best doing it sooner rather than later as they can grow up together. I have such guilt and regret for not trying harder but we were never really able to have more.
Good luck x

I feel exactly the same. Its getting me down but I just can't bring myself to have another. I want to go back to uni and finish my degree but am I being selfish. I should be focusing all my efforts on LO, plus I know he'd love a sibling.

Never have a baby because you think you "should"
If you want to stop at 1 OP then that's the right choice for you. It's definitely not selfish.
Oh, and there are plenty of folk with either a bad or non existent sibling relationship. So the idea that every child "needs" a sibling is nonsense.
What your child needs is a happy mother.

It's your choice what to do, no-one elses. If it helps I'm an only child and I had the best childhood IMO. My parents were so laid back and kind, friendly, engaging. My mum worked full time and cared for my gran who was very disabled. I helped and loved her with my whole life. I did have lots of cousins to play with at the weekends. The only time I've ever felt a sense of, I guess floating, is when my parent are ill. I have MH problems aswell so please feel free to message me of that's allowed here 😊💐

Just also wanted to say,you don't have to be the best version of yourself! You already are x

Toddlers are exhausting. If I were you just hold off making a decision for a year or so. I know you say you’re approaching late 30s but I’d also say you know you don’t want another baby right now. Maybe in a year you’ll feel differently. I have a 3.5 age gap between my two, I know it’s not that big a gap, but at the time all my friends had two year gaps between babies. I just knew my mental health could not have coped with that so I waited... And if you decide just to stick with the one, there’s nothing wrong with that, families come in all shapes and sizes. As others have said there’s no guarantees. I am not close to my sister and she lives in another country...
Just don’t put pressure on yourself . You have enough to be dealing with right now and sounds like you’re doing great. Don’t feel like you have to decide right now. Maybe try and out it out your mind and reassess in six months or whatever.

*put it out your mind

You can't guarantee any sibling relationships anyway. If you have another baby do so because you want another baby rather than on behalf of a potential sibling relationship. There's nothing wrong with only having one.

You should absolutely do what works best for your family and your own peace of mind. I’m sure you are a very caring dm and I’ve personally learned being realistic about what I can take on is really important.

Just to offer a different perspective on the amount of work involved with two... Dd1 was a VERY high need baby. After 3.5 years we had dd2. She was much easier. From 2.5 and 6 they played together all the time which actually in some ways made parenting easier, because they need less of my input.

My neighbour and very good friend has one by choice and she doesn’t regret her decision. She has also said that in some ways she feels one dc can actually be more work as they need more of your time. That said having one was the right decision for her - very difficult pg, traumatic birth with significant birth injuries, high need baby and then high need toddler and she is on meds for depression and anxiety.

It really is the hardest decision. I would never have imagined myself stopping at one - I've always adored children and was so desperate to start a family. Now, if it were purely my decision we would have started trying for a second, but only really because of the 'should'
feeling. I don't crave another child. I share all the same worries as many other people on this forum about my DS being lonely, but it doesn't seem reason enough to bring another child into the world. Especially as I'm now 40 and not in the greatest health.

This is stupid I know, but I almost feel like a failure for not really wanting to do it again. I think I always felt motherhood was my natural calling, and whilst I adore my son and think I'm a good mum, I also need my down time and don't know if I have the patience for another. Of course this doesn't mean I think other women who have only children are failures by any stretch. I think it's more about what I thought my role would be in life. Plus it really bugs me when people suggest that parenting one child is a whole different kettle of fish to having multiple children, suggesting that it's only really dipping your toes in to parenthood/taking the easy way out.

I wish I could just be happy with sticking at one and not carry this guilt about it.

@catpoooffender this is SO similar to how I feel. Nothing else to add, just wanted to share that you’re not the only one with this conflict.

This is stupid I know, but I almost feel like a failure for not really wanting to do it again.

I completely identify with this. I haven’t felt a twinge of broodiness since having my DD five years ago, but I do feel guilty that she won’t have a sibling, particularly as she has been alone so much during the past year. I look at people who have a second child almost as a matter of course and wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I’ve never had the urge.

But of course plenty of people never have the urge even for one child, so I suppose it makes sense that some people’s broodiness is satisfied after one. We are all different!

A lot of my 'mum friends' are now having their second. I thought them getting pregnant would finally give me the answer as to whether I want another. To be honest it didn't really - I didn't feel jealous or anything. Though every time I hear someone is expecting their second I have the 'I should be doing that' feeling. Probably like I would if I knew someone else was successfully losing weight (which I need to do). Now that the babies are all being born, I do have a bit of a twinge of broodiness. But then I think of what it would be like to take care of DS AND cope with a newborn at the same time and I just can't imagine how I'd do it. I found the first weeks of motherhood so incredibly hard and have no idea how I'd have coped if I also had a toddler to look after.

I can definitely empathise.
Part of me is desperate to give my son a sibling, with visions of them being good friends.
However, we cannot afford it at all. He'd have to share his room as well and we'd have literally no money for little days out or treats, so in that sense my son's quality of life would decline.
Plus, I know from my own relationship with my brother (and work - at a school) that siblings don't always get on lol.
And, personally, I had a difficult pregnancy health wise, my son was prem and we've had a few hospital stays in the last year. I find toddler tantrums quite hard and he still doesn't sleep through - never has.

So, coupled with the fact my OH doesn't want another, I'd say we are probably done. Not sure if that little twang of guilt/what if will ever go away though.

I am totally at my limit with DS although I love him dearly! He was tricky through the baby and toddler years, turns out he has additional needs, and he definitely wouldn't cope with a sibling as he needs a really predictable home routine. Even aside from that, I couldn't cope with any more DC and DH doesn't want one either, so we are happy and guilt free as we are. Never feel bad and don't have a baby just due to societal pressure. I often trot out the overpopulation argument if people moan about only kids...!

If you think you would be happier and a better parent with just one, then that’s more than enough reason.

Siblings don’t always get on! (I feel like a bloody referee in our house and feel guilt they don’t all get the attention they need esp the high needs one). Plus I’m exhausted and sometimes snappy which isn’t great for them.

An ‘only’ can be very happy and not lonely if they have your attention, plus if you make an effort to include their friends when older etc.

I only have one and she's almost 20 now.
I've never regretted my decision.
FWIW, I can't stand my brother either, can't remember the last time I spoke to him but I'd guess at around 10 years, and then only to be polite.

Mine is nearly 4 now and likely to be an only. Lots of friends having their second babies at the moment and I just feel grateful it's not me. With one child, I am able to be the happy, sane, patient mother I want to be.

We have an only not by choice (infertility) but I think it was probably the best for our family anyway- we both found the early years hard. I do feel guilty sometimes that he doesn’t have a sibling (and in fact very few relatives) but he seems to be growing up pretty balanced and is super social and out with friends all the time.

I can relate.

Had DS at 39. From 41-43 we were managing a terminally ill family member and grappling with DS's autism diagnosis. By the time the dust settled, I was too old for it to happen. So DS is our one and only. He really wants a sibling so the guilt is huge. Lockdown made it doubly difficult as he was very lonely. It really hurt me to see him like that.

I just try and focus on giving him as much of my attention as possible , ensuring he has lots of play dates (COVID permitting) and as rich a life as possible. That's all I can do.

I know how you feel. DD very much wanted a sibling, but I've struggled with just one child, and I'd struggle a lot more with two. She really wouldn't benefit from a parent who was significantly more grumpy and shouty than I am at the moment, but obviously she can't understand that. We've stuck at one.