Feeling so guilty on family... I am 37 (38 soon) and decided I just cannot do it again....I am happy husband is gutted

[solbright]

Need some support from other mums who are one and done by choice. I had my son 7 years ago and my pregnancy was horrible (I had a few scares, then had a bleed and ended up with terrible prenatal anxiety then pre eclampsia which was thankfully mild). Labour was horrendous...he pooed in me so needed the drugs to speed it up...had an epidural and ended up in theatre with a ventouse and a bunch of Drs on standby due to his heart rate being low and pooing in me. Post birth I tore front to back and bowel impaction and then pnd. We have been a really happy little family of 3 and until covid had holidays each year and my son was our sidekick and I have always been one and done. I have never had a broody bone in my body since the day he was born.

However a year ago I did say I would try again as the guilt of leaving my son alone got bad and I was approaching 37 and my husband has always wanted another. Then covid hit so we decided not to and deep down I was very happy with this.

We were meant to try in Jan...this gone weekend in fact....but last night after a blazing peak OPK I had a huge panic attack and it all came out that I just cannot do it again. Husband was great and said no amount of expanding the family was worth the state I got in. He said for his own sake we must draw a line so he can move on and I am of course gret with that but feeling utterly guilty like I have let my husband and son down by being one and done.

I am going to get counselling for this guilt to move forward but I simply just never wanted one more......

I think considering everything you went through you really shouldn't feel guilty at all. It's you that takes the health risk getting pregnant and I don't blame you for not wanting to go down that road again.
I really think your dh and son will get over it and you need to let go as there is nothing to feel guilty for.
I do think you may benefit from therapy in regards to your birth as it sounds quite traumatic.

Ah bless you. It does sound like you had a really bad time. We had quite a traumatic loss before our only and the thought of a new pregnancy did not even enter my mind until recently, and it's a scary thought!

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. It's perfectly understandable why you don't want to go through that again, and I think it's good that your husband understands and that you are able to talk about it. It's also good that he recognises that you need to make a final decision so he can move on and not keep hoping for another one. Counseling is always a good idea if you want some outside perspective and guidance. Hope you find peace with this soon.

You poor thing OP

Just think: if you had watched your husband go through all that, would you expect him to do it again? I'm sure he feels the same about you.

Also, will it be good for your DS to see you (possibly) go through all that again? Doubtful.

Counselling is definitely good to help you process trauma, & hopefully eventually help you shed the guilt.

Also, we have several very happy onlies in our family

@solbright
What's so awful about having one child or being an only child that makes you feel guilty? Absolutely nothing.

We have one child (my choice, DH would have liked a second). She's now 15 and we are a very close happy family. She is a lovely girl, enjoys some socialising but also relishes her own, and our, company.

Have a conversation with your DH. Let him know you appreciate him respecting your decision (which wasn't made easily) and say you want to make plans for how you want your lives to be as a family of three.

Shared interests, sport, culture, trips, travelling - whatever you fancy. The three of you being a team. So much fun to be had with your DS, please don't let guilt or regrets hinder you.

It sounds like you had a really tough time it's no wonder you can't face it again.

My son is 7 too and I didn't have anything like as bad a time as you did- pregnancy was fine but long labour ending in an emergency c-section so not great. DS wasn't an easy baby tbh and I decided in the first year that I was firmly in the one and done camp.

I did wobble a bit just before covid but I really can't face it again.

We are great as a 3 and I try to focus on the positives. DS is happy/confident and we have some great adventures. It's nothing to feel guilty about.

There's a Facebook page called one done and on the fence that would be perfect for you. There are lots of mums in the same boat and I'm sure you would benefit from reading their stories and what people are saying

I dont know if you thought about adoption if you really want another but don't want to go through pregnancy again